NOV 2nd The Engine, The Caboose & Artsy Stuff

Hi Journal & Friends,

I think I'll do a summary here of my new mindset. If nothing else, it'll help keep me focused when I get too busy and forget. I can come back here and get a refresher.  :-D

I've enjoyed and benefited from my blog for all this time, and it definitely served it's purpose: to help me focus. Well, at least that was the idea. I feel I've learned stuff, and grown and made friends, and it's been mostly a positive experience. 

Now... I've decided to shift my thinking. I've been making "weight loss" a priority, at the front of my thinking, the "star" of the show. Weight loss was the Engine, and my Life was the Caboose.

Now, I want to make my Life the Engine, and this weight loss thing the Caboose. Life will lead, weight loss will follow.

That doesn't mean it's not seriously, hugely important to me. I'm not shifting priorities, as such. What I AM shifting is how I get there, my technique for achieving my goal.  It means that I am no longer making weight loss my main and only focus, putting my passions and dreams on hold until I am "healthier", or stronger, or smaller, or whatever...

At first, I was a little nervous about it, concerned that I would lose all focus and start gaining back the 120 lbs that I've spent YEARS getting off. I mean, I've done that in my past... lost some weight only to bomb out and regain it and then some. 

But I'm now involved in 4 or 5 different creative/artsy projects... and I feel ENERGIZED. I feel excited and hopeful, and somehow this is translating into a willingness to do what is healthy for me nutritionally speaking. I feel like I WANT to exercise. I WANT to eat on plan, and the proper amounts. 

No, I am not perfect at it. I let that idea go years ago. But I AM shooting for progress.

Progress, not perfection

I feel it was right for me to have thrown all my focus into this at the beginning. And if my goal had been shorter, with less to lose, I think it would have been enough and I would be at goal now. But... thanks to all my "wanderings", I have NOT reached my goal yet. But it's time for me to do it differently now. I'm at peace with the nutritional plan I've finally settled upon... low carb, wheat and sugar free. Food is not "the enemy", but a tool for good health.

And I've even pretty much stopped fighting the truth about my physical limitations as regards to exercise. It is what it is... so I have stuff I can do from my wheelchair, and I want to do it with a grateful attitude. Heck... there are some people who can't even do that much!

All this has been gelling for a few weeks now, but became firm on Monday. I had a doctors appointment for blood pressure and weight loss follow up. What a frustrating appointment! Hadn't lost anything to speak of since the last appointment, and my blood pressure hadn't gone down. He wanted to send me up to northern Oregon to a hospital with a "bariatric" program. He admitted he didn't have any answers for me, and said they could do some "testing" to see what's up. Turns out it specializes in weight loss surgery, which he has repeatedly recommended for me. 

Well... that did it. 

You know how when you squeeze a fruit, what's inside of it will come out? Squeeze a lemon... get lemon juice. Squeeze an orange...you get the idea. Well, I felt squeezed.  And I heard myself tell him: "I am not ready to accept that I can't do this! Other people do it... and if there is even one person in the whole world that can do it, then I can too!!"

So there it is. Never give up, never surrender. :-)

I'm not yet ready to spill the beans about the artsy stuff I'm doing right now... but soon I hope to have something to share with ya'll. It's new to me, so feels a little "risky". But why not?? It's fun, exciting, and who knows where it might lead?? 

From Dr Phil's book: "Your thoughts powerfully program you."

My verse for today: "A happy heart makes the face cheerful..."

My quote for today: "I paint... God smiles. I guess I can call that paid in full". --author unknown

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 808

AUG 1st Outrunning the Hounds of Discouragement

Hello Journal & Friends,

First, the official weigh in business: 333... again. That number is looking mighty familiar! 

So... what do you do when you feel the Hounds of Discouragement hot on your trail, nipping at your heels??

(photo credit) 

All I can say, for myself is, choose to keep going. Quitting is not an option. It's more fun when I "feel" all excited and encouraged. But it's not a requirement.

I've looked at my sidebar under "The Monthly Shrink", and was tempted to rename it "The Bouncing Ball". It's demoralizing to see I am higher this August than August of last year. And embarrassing. But it's the truth.

There is nothing for me to do but keep going. I feel so close to figuring this out, and admit it's embarrassing to say that with no "proof",  if you know what I mean. 

For those of you that don't weigh in... I understand. But for me, I WANT the truth. The feedback. The data. For me the scale is a very useful tool, and I appreciate it. It's not a "number" that is affecting me. It's my own performance, or lack thereof. But if I hid from it, I could rapidly soar back up into the stratosphere and be in the 400's in the blink of an eye. I need the accountability and information from that tool.

This last month I spent countless hours learning to count the carbs accurately, learning to eat the right ratio of fat, protein and carbs. And now it's down to lowering the calories and yet keeping the right percentages of each. Portions, portions... Hmmm.... all too familiar. But I know it's key for me now.

I've had no exercise for over 3 months. Doctors orders. Soaring blood pressure. My new medication is starting to take effect, and that gives me hope that soon I'll get the okay to kick up my heels. It funny to hear ME say that I miss exercise! But I do. And I'm hopeful that will soon contribute to my progress.

I'm sorry this is not very cheerful... one of the things I always hope to do is encourage others. Yet I am in tears right now, and finding it hard. One thing I CAN honestly say is... always keep going. I know I am.

From Dr Phil's book: "You must have a new conversation with yourself that responds to negative messages truthfully and positively."

My verse for today: "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters."

My quote for today: "He who moves not forward, goes backward." --Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 715 

DAY 248 Light Bulb Moment

Hi Journal & Friends,

Yesterday, as I sat crying while washing dishes, I had an epiphany. A light bulb moment. A breakthrough. An honest-to-gosh aha moment!

I realized WHY I had been so frustrated, so short-tempered, so irritated, so demoralized, so down and discouraged.... since last Saturday.

Because I wasn't using FOOD to numb those feelings. 

But... and here is what set it all off... I wasn't able to easily use the NEW coping techniques I had been using, either. 

My husband has been home since last Saturday, sick. It's now Wednesday. I couldn't rudely blast my music... I couldn't get lost in a nice book-on-tape without constant interruption. Even listening to my music on my ipod was repeatedly interrupted.

Just to find uninterrupted computer time has been a big hassle. I am not having my usual time to be quiet and connect to my feelings. I am struggling to keep up with basic chores, let alone find time for things that give me joy.

Bottomline, my frustration level was so high, I just wanted to scream!!

Chris (A Deliberate Life)  left a comment for Alan (Foolsfitness)  that caught my eye. Here is part of what she said:

"...It doesn't matter why.

If you set a calorie cap, and stop eating you will figure out why.

Because all the crap you're cramming down with the food will come up and out.

When you really want to binge, it's a good time to sit down and ask yourself why...

You will discover what you are eating to cover if you get past that urge and wait.

It's hard though...

Is it boredom, loneliness, sadness or anger.

You won't know until you put down the food and listen."

And that is exactly what happened to me... the stress and pressure from always feeling behind, not having the time to pursue my dreams, not having the mobility to get stuff done quickly so I WOULD have more time, wondering if it was just all pointless because it's just too little too late, lack of sleep, frustration at a painful infection in my left hand, yet again... on and on it poured out.

So... my point is... without any sort of DIVERSIONS, the feelings finally came bursting through to the surface. And that's a good thing in the long run.

In a way, I kind of feel GOOD to realize that these new coping mechanisms DID replace the food. I didn't bury myself in a vat of mac n cheese, or make a midnight run for extra crispy at KFC. And I haven't in over a year. So SOMETHING is working. 

And while I may not enjoy the crummy feelings, they do expose my faulty thinking, since they are the by-product of my thoughts. So this is useful information, and tells me where my thinking needs cleaned up! And for that I'm thankful.

That's what I'm working on now... cleaning up my stinkin thinkin.  :-)

From Dr Phil's book: "What you really want is to feel better about yourself."

My verse for today: "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

My quote for today: "Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious." --Bill Meyer

DAY 191 Toon Tuesday Fable

Hello Journal & Friends!

I wanted to post today's Toon Tuesday this morning, cuz later today is my biopsy, and I might feel grumpier then, LOL!

The illustrations are black and white 18th century woodcuts that I had fun coloring. The story... I am to blame for that, LOL!

The Farmer & The Rabbit

There once was a Farmer who decided to raise carrots.

All winter long, he looked at the luscious seed catalogs, and dreamed of his big crop. The snow finally thawed and the weather warmed up.  Spring arrived, birds sang, and the earth was bursting with new life.

As spring turned to summer, The Farmer visited his fields every day, checking the progress of his precious crop of carrots.  Day after day, he repeated his routine.

Summer was fading into Fall, and STILL he saw no results! 

He was exasperated.

He was disappointed.

He was angry.

And... he was confused.

What was wrong?? He was eager to reap his bounty... but there was no bounty to reap!!

Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a flash of movement. A rabbit!

Aha!! Now he knew who to blame for his lack of a crop. He grabbed his shotgun and sprinted toward the rabbit, finally cornering him at the edge of the field.

"Why do you want to hurt me?" asked Mr Rabbit, trembling in fear.

"You stole my carrots!" thundered The Farmer.

"Please, good sir," pleaded Mr Rabbit, "show mercy on me. I am innocent."

The Farmer, his eyes narrowed in suspicion, growled: "Then how do you explain where all my carrots went?"

Mr Rabbit bravely hopped closer to The Farmer. Quietly he said: "I have lived here all of my life. Yet never did I see you sow a crop of carrots.  All rabbits know this truth, good sir... that you reap what you sow."

Stunned, The Farmer lowered his shotgun, realization dawning on him, as the brave little Rabbit hopped away.

The End.

The moral of the story, boys and girls in weight loss blogland, is that the time to prepare is not when trouble hits, when temptation strikes, when pressures mount.

The sowing of the seeds is better done ahead of time, day afer day, consistently planting seeds into our minds.

• Seeds of Truth
• Seeds of Determination
• Seeds of Hope
• Seeds of Commitment
• Seeds of Purpose
• Seeds of Self-honesty

Every good little choice along the way will add up, and yield a bigger harvest later.

Even when we didn't realize it... when we didn't feel it... those seeds were growing under the surface, quietly doing their work. Quietly changing us.

Then, later, we can reap a harvest from all our hard work. It will BE there when we need it, with deep, strong roots. We can gather what we need, to see us through.

Aren't rabbits smart?!

From Dr Phil's book: "You must get in touch with your thoughts and feelings and why you're having them."

My verse for today: "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

My quote for today: "I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit. "No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."  --Winnie the Pooh

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 6 Exercise, Strength & Jack LaLanne

Hello Journal!

Well, it's 3pm and I still don't have my exercise done today! How appropriate that I was going to cover the 2nd item today from my "need to be CONSISTENT" list, which turns out to be...drumroll..."making exercise non-negotiable". Ha! Guess what I will be doing as soon as I am done here...

Since the internet is FULL to overflowing with the wonderful benefits of exercise, I won't bore myself with that now...what I want to remind myself is how far I have come.

Do I still exercise from my Powerchair? Yes.

Am I limited as to how many seconds I can stand and walk? Yes.

Am I still recovering from a bum shoulder and can't use my resistance bands yet? Yes.

But...

Before, when I was 460 lbs, I had to lay in bed and exercise on the horizontal! NOW, I am doing chair dancing with goofy Richard Simmons Sweatin to the Oldies.

Before, my blood pressure was so high, I worried about exercising. NOW, my last check at the doctor it was around 135/80. Cool!

Before, I gave up because I was always getting injured. NOW, I have learned to say NO to someone else's ideas and do what is right and safe for ME.

Remember the old saying...Use it or lose it? Well, it's true for muscles, too. I like what Dr Phil says in his book about exercise:

"Demand nothing less than the best of yourself and for yourself."

"Food behavior and exercise behavior are highly interactive..you feel better so you want to eat better."

"Make time for exercise, then protect that time...NO EXCUSES...Let nothing interfere, absolutely nothing."

"Require more of yourself."

It may take me longer, but I WILL get there.

Ummm...guess I'd better get off my duff and get there TODAY! Sometimes it's downright scary how easy it is to let excuses get in the way....Not today.

I have so long to go on this journey, that I just MUST establish good exercise routines now. Well, come to think of it, no, I don't. Instead I will say I WANT to establish good exercise routines now. I like that better. I am responsible, it's all about choices. And exercise will bring me strength...I want strength...therefore...I want to exercise. Hey, someday I might even shock myself and say I love it!

From Dr Phil's book: "It's about changing yourself from the inside out..."

My verse for today: "Taste and see that the Lord is good."

My quote for today: "We can do anything we want if we stick to it long enough." --Helen Keller

Oh oh! I almost forgot to include this link from Dr Mercola's newsletter to some great old video clips of Jack LaLanne back in the...50's? Loved it! Scroll down past the hilarious "fat" pics to see Jack.

Enjoy the Journey...

Loretta

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