One More Chance

Desperation can be a good thing sometimes.

I was put on my first diet at 10 yrs old. Since then it feels like I've tried 'em all. 

Me at 10 yrs old

Yet I remember one time saying "I'll give up anything, except my Best Foods Mayo!" And I was serious.

I didn't think I should have to sacrifice; that was too Spartan; I refused to go on yet another "diet", because after all, it was a lifestyle change, so why couldn't I keep my mayo? And of course, it wasn't fair...etc etc etc. All that squirrely thinking stuff.

So...I lost, regained, lost, regained, lost, regained...

 Then, at 460 lbs I finally WAS willing enough to give up ANYTHING, even my favorite drug, my mayo (which I slathered on almost everything, of course). It took a long time to find my path. I lost over 150 lbs over the course of a few years.  Then I got stuck, and regained about 50 lbs. I came so close to permanently giving up. I was losing hope.

All that to say: desperation can be a good thing. 

I recently joined Sean Anderson's support/accountability group, yet I wasn't sure it would work one more time for me. I mean, come on, I'm now 65! But I finally was willing to try, one more time. I was again desperate.

My desperation has fueled my willingness to be teachable, to be honest with "strangers", to try again. To out myself when I see Me making excuses. 

More to the point: I'm just plain skeered to go off plan at this point! When I catch myself negotiating (out of habit, I now think, since it feels almost automatic), it shakes me up to think I could blow it that easily. 

I'd like to re-label that fear as a "healthy respect". A respect for the level of importance I need to put on STAYING on track, since I don't know how many do-overs I have left in me.

But for this day, I feel really grateful to have been given One More Chance.

Still on the journey,

Retta

JULY 1ST Flashbacks & Facebook Attacks

Sitting here shaking my head at myself. Not with disgust, but more with a sort of compassionate amusement. Hope that makes sense. I'm a lot more kinder to myself these days than I used to be. People around me should be glad... cuz I also tend to be kinder towards THEM now, too. :-)

Anyway, it all started with a comment I read yesterday in a Facebook group I belong to (won't say which one). A new guy pulled out his "MD" credentials, and proceeded to say snarky mean stuff about someone I highly respect in the low carb world. 

He made his harsh judgment based SOLELY on a photo of said person. A photo!! He proceeded to defend his expert ability to make such evaluations based upon scant evidence because he was a medical doctor. Say what??!!

I admit it... I fumed. I fussed. I talked to my computer. MyGuy said he was a troll, and don't give him the attention he wanted and he would go away. 

I waited. 

But the next day, the conversation was still on, and I gave in and joined it. Here's what I wrote, minus the names involved:

"Have to admit I was really pissed off at [******'s] arrogant and harsh judgmental comment re [*****]. And THEN to justify it by claiming to be an expert at analysis with little information??? I wanted to box his ears in defense of [*****].

I am sooo tired of that kind of attitude. I started out at a higher weight myself. Years later, and doing LCHF, I've LOST 159 lbs, with more to go. But if someone like [******], who claims to be an MD, looked at my photo, I would still get the same harsh judgement, based soley on looks, as [*****] did!! He would still call me "substantially overweight, poorly muscled... with metabolic dysfunction." Well, DUH??!! 

One who started out very large WILL have more challenges. Come on, applaud [*****] for being physically active, continuing to learn and experiment at what could work for him, and for generously sharing his info with us. [*****] is a class act. [******].... not so much. Ban him? Not my call. I'd say let [*****] decide!"

(A little weird with names blanked out, but that's out of respect for privacy)

I could have said a lot more, but it's Facebook, ya know? Short and sweet. I was still thinking of the whole attack earlier today, as I was thumbing through an old journal I used to keep. And guess what I read, from 1996.

That's 18 years ago.

I had been making a "must do" list that I felt I had to learn to do in order to be successful at this weight loss thing. Further down on the page I wrote:

1) Decide you are willing to do whatever is necessary to change your life, no matter what, no excuses.

 2) Decide how hard you are willing to work, which will determine how long it will take you to reach your goal.

Blush.... did I mention that was 18 years ago?

I'm still here, plugging away. I know I believed that when I wrote it. But I didn't have a clue HOW to do it. How to implement those great ideas. Obviously "just do it" didn't work for me. So, here I am, still learning. Still working on it. 

I don't think I realized how deep I'd have to go, how deep I needed to change. Or maybe how hard it was going to be to change from the INSIDE out. Oh, I'd lost weight before, and regained it back and then some. But I knew I wanted true and permanent change this time.

The above "MD" guy on Facebook who slammed my low carb friend doesn't have a clue how hard it can be for an exceptionally large person. I mean, you don't get REALLY large without having really large inner problems that need addressing. 

WAIT, let me say that differently. Because it's not about the numbers. I've learned that ANYONE who finds it a real struggle to change must have really large inner problems. And that can take time. Sometimes lots of time. 

Falling down on our face and getting up Time.

Getting discouraged and having to gather up our courage to try again Time.

Making mistakes until we find the right way for US Time.

Learning to treat ourselves with respect, love and kindness Time.

Just... lots of Time.

So please, be patient with yourself and never give up.

Is it awful of me to be glad that others in that Facebook group came out swinging in defense of their low carb buddy at the unfair judgment?? (I don't think so... )

Never quit,

Loretta

JUNE 28th Compassion & Respect

I'm about to share one of the many MANY events that occurred in my life caused by me being Fat. 

Wait... no. 

Caused by the REACTION of others to me being Fat. It's a personal story, that I haven't told often. You'll soon know why. (If you are offended by a little too much information, please skip this post.)

And I have a reason for sharing... it has to do with a TED Talk I watched yesterday, given by a young doctor named Peter Attia. Here's the link  to the 16 minute video, but I know most are too busy to watch. So in a nutshell, here is my synopsis of it:

Dr Attia is a surgeon. Young, strong, healthy. Called to the ER to check on a diabetic woman who had an infected foot, to decide if she needed an amputation or not. He gave her quality medical care, but now admits that back then he judged her harshly for "being Fat", and basically bringing this on herself. 

Fastforward a few years.This strong, exercising, Food-Pyramid "healthy" eater started gaining weight and discovered he was Insulin Resistant. He finally started questioning everything he had been taught about Diabetes, and realized his lack of compassion and empathy for that diabetic woman and indeed, all those "fat people that just didn't care enough to take care of themselves better" (paraphrasing him).

The end of the TED talk touched my heart. He looked into the camera and said if that woman was somehow watching, would she please forgive him for his attitude towards her. For while he did his best as a physician, he had failed her as one human being to another.

This TED talk triggered a flood of memories for me. I've had my share of run-ins with doctors and so-called Experts over the years. I've tried all my life to get a handle on this weight thing. I've done what They prescribed, yet gained weight. I've gone to "counselors" who, as it turned out, were more messed up than I was. I've paid thousands of dollars over the years, trying this and that... I'm sure many can relate to that.

The event with a doctor that hurt me so badly happened when I was about 22 years old. I was trying to be responsible, so went down to the Free Clinic (I was low income) to get some birth control pills. They wouldn't prescribe them without an exam. You ladies know which exam... THAT one. For you gentlemen... it's where you strip buck nekkid, put on a flimsy paper gown open in the back, lay on your back on the exam table, put your feet up into stirrups, and open your knees apart to expose yourself to a total stranger. Yes.... THAT exam.

Bad enough for most of us, on any given day. But when one is already ashamed of their body, it's beyond humiliating. Got the picture so far??

The nurse had me all set up, then in comes a young male doctor, in a hurry, businesslike. The first time I meet him is in this exposed position. He says little, and starts. As he struggled to get the instrument inside me, he mutters loudly "you're just too damn fat"... and...  "are you sure it even goes in??" referring to my partners anatomy.

I lay there in stunned silence. On the outside, I just froze. On the inside, I was dying of humilation. He left, I got dressed. I left. As I drove home the dam finally burst, and I sobbed all the way home. I couldn't stop. When I got home my partner was alarmed and finally got out of me what had happened. It took all the persuasion I had over him to stop him from going down to the clinic and beating the s*%t out of that man, or worse. And yes, back in those days, that definitely would have happened if I hadn't been able to stop him.

My point?? Even if we think someone "brought this on themselves", they are human beings with feelings, hearts, hopes and dreams. No one wakes up each day thinking "oh boy, today I want to be hugely Fat and in pain, and have people treat me like crap and judge me". 

No... we all deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.

Maybe if I hadn't gone through a lifetime of my own struggles I would be one of those who looked down their nose on the "pathetically weak" people. I dunno. But what I do know is... EVERYONE deserves love, acceptance and forgiveness. Everyone can use some encouragement. Everyone has dreams and hopes and are worthy of our respect. Not for what they "do", but for the fact that they ARE. 

We tell ourselves we are "doing them a favor" by blasting others with what is "wrong" with them. Like a fat person doesn't KNOW they are fat?? Like that doctor was letting me in on some little secret as I lay there in that vulnerable position?? 

Well... everyone has a story. 

It sounds cliche, sure, but we ARE all fighting our own battles. I'm thinking if we tried to remember that, maybe we could muster up a little more compassion and respect for others on this sometimes rocky path we call Life... I'm sure those of us still on this journey to health would appreciate that. Well, for that matter, EVERYbody would. :-)

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

End o' the World, So Let It All Hang Out!!

Well, since the Mayans seemed to predict the end of the world tomorrow, or at the very least the beginning of some cataclysmic events... I thought I'd take this opportunity to let my opinion fly!!

About what??  I was thinking about sarcasm lately. It can be witty, clever and/or funny when aimed in a general direction. But...ever been in the receving end of it, aimed at you personally?? It can bite... it can sting, depending upon the source. 

It's called DISRESPECT. 

This is what the good ol' dictionary says... 

SARCASM:

the use of irony to mock or convey contempt...

derision

mockery

ridicule

scorn

sneering

scoffing

cynicism

Wow... talk about disrespect... Yowch!

And I've been thinking about it, asking myself what was it in me that responds to sarcasm so negatively. Someone with a different background might just say "eh", and shrug it off, not giving it much thought.

I, on the otherhand, was surprised, disappointed and hurt by my run-in with it. That was MY response. The other person didn't "do" that to me. They are responsible for offering the stick of dynamite, but I'm responsible for adding the match to the fuse. 

So I'm trying to learn from it. And as I thought about it, I remembered hearing sarcasm growing up. It seems to me that the "best" sarcasm, the snarkiest and wittiest, usually came from "smart" people. They had a knack with words, and unless held back by kindness, they knew how to let it fly. 

That's what I remember as a kid... some "smart" adults with the ability to make biting, witty, sarcastic remarks, aimed at individuals. Hey, I like a good joke as much as the next guy. Just not used to hurt individuals, ya know what I mean?? 

Wanna guarantee that the people in your life withdraw from you? That they avoid you? That they shut you out? Just be sure to treat them with sarcasm. Oh, and be sure to do it in anger; that's a winning combo, for sure. <yes, read: sarcasm>

Funny thing... I searched for the word "sarcasm" in the Bible. Not there! At least not in the many, many different translations I checked. The only one I found it in was a modern version that was written in everyday, casual language. Here's what I found:

"Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless--that's your job, to bless..." (I Peter 3:8, emphasis mine)

Boy, that gets the point across. :-O

So all this thinkin' led to even more thinkin'... when I goof up on this whole weight loss/health journey thing, how often do I aim that same kind of sarcastic barb AT MYSELF??!! That jerked me up short, since the answer was too often. Ack! :-O

The antidote? 

Kindness. 

Let's all extend it not only to others, but to ourselves, as well!

I can require more from myself...

I can be willing to get comfortable with being uncomfortable...

I can remember their are no shortcuts to success...

I can start doing what I say I believe is necessary to succeed...

I can remember I'm fooling myself to think it will get better without DOING the right choices...

I can stop pampering myself, or feeling sorry for myself...

But through it all, up or down, succeeding or stumbling... I can do it with kindness. 

SO CUT OUT ANY SARCASTIC self-talk, Loretta!!

Yes, ma'am.

If the world doesn't end on the 21st, then a New Year is coming soon (can you believe that?!). Let's all listen closely not only how we talk to others, but how we talk to OURSELVES!

Even as we uplift, encourage and wildly wave our pom poms in the air for others, let's include ourselves in that support. 

As his children drifted off to sleep, every night Tommy Newberry, author of The 4:8 Principle,   whispered in their ears:

 "You are a beautiful, 

wonderful child of God."

I like that. :-)

Enjoy the Journey... said without sarcasm! :-D)))

Loretta

Day 2016

OCT 24th Heartfelt Update

This last Monday my Sweetie and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. 35 years! That translates to over half my life. We looked at each other, and just couldn't believe it. 

In our hearts, we are still those two young lovers holding hands as they walked around the flea market. We stopped at a booth, and Jim bought me a stuffed animal. It was two puppy dogs, their paws held together with velcro. As we left, the vendor saw WE were holding hands, smiled and said: "Puppy love!"

My sister Karen,   in addition to being a writer, is a talented musician. For our wedding, she wrote and sang a song for us. It was a promise from God, and the main line said: "This gift give I to you, to love one another." It went on to promise that even through floods of trouble, our love would never be washed away.

Well, if you think you can make it for 35 years without going through troubles, you haven't been married long! :-)  But, we made it. Neither of us is perfect... far from it. Yet that promise has held, and I think I am finally learning what love really is.

Love is to give without expectancy of return. To love for loves sake alone. A return is just icing on the cake, but it's not the motive for the giving. Love is. Do I DO that all the time?? Nope... but I'm learning.

I'm thankful for that promise all those years ago... that Gift of Love. 

Oh... and I still have that stuffed animal!
Edited to add: I dusted off the puppies and added their Portrait at the beginning of this post. :-D

Cry of My Heart, by Terry Butler

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

Day 1158

SEPT 28th Always Keep Going & Decisions

It's been a hard few days... well, weeks actually. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of tears, lots of soul searching. I'd have a few good on plan days, then go over my calories. Rinse and repeat. 

I finally slowed down, got honest with myself, and listed what the major thorns were, including what I might do about them.

1) I was re-visiting my spiritual roots, and asking a lot of questions, and trying to learn what it really means to do this thing in God's strength, not my own limited supply. I felt like such a failure... Answer: Admit defeat; accept God's compassion, mercy, and grace. Trust in His love. Rest in that love.

2) I was fed up with so many thoughts about ME, and this weight loss struggle, and always feeling like success was just around the corner; it was just out of reach; it was teasing me, illusive and slippery. Answer: see Answer #1 :-}

3) I was frustrated to realize that I was STILL doing the "as soon as" thing with regards to my art. "As soon as this weight thing is solved, I can concentrate on my true passion."  I thought I had gone beyond that, only to find I had fallen right back into the same muck. Answer: change where I spend my time, my energies.

4) My health has been acting up and causing so much physical pain, that I fell into the most deadly of all thinking: self-pity. It drained my energy, and I found myself many times saying "oh what's the use?" Answer: Be honest with my feelings. Remember gratitude. Then go back again to Answer #1

5) And with the health problems, I thought about Time. None of us are guaranteed more Time. And I came to the conclusion I didn't want to spend all my focus on this weight thing. Yes, I will keep going, and working at it. But I am tired of talking about it for now. I want to spend what computer time I have over at my art blog instead. Answer: obvious!  :-D

So I think this (too long) post will be it for awhile here. I was recently asked to join a book project, which was subsequently postponed. But it got me to thinking, and I've decided to close out here with some of those thoughts... it sort of sums it all up:

Fat baby. Fat child. Fat teenager. Fat adult.

Until I started my blog, I rarely talked about it. I smiled. I answered "I'm fine" when asked. But how "fine" can you be when your highest weight was 460 pounds??

Why talk about those early years?? Because they were the foundation. No blaming, simply for understanding. Wearing leg braces due to a birth defect, I first learned to walk as a chunky 3 year old. 

Upset, scared, crying? Food. 

Mad, sad, glad? Food. 

Reward, bribe, celebration? Food. 

You name it, Food was the solution.

This foundation set me up for a lifetime struggle. Not being taught food was for nutrition, but could be a comforter, soother, escape, even friend. That's what I "heard", anyway. How I wish I had been taught a healthy way to process feelings. Instead, I was told "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." 

Except for a couple of teenage attempts when I "dieted" to an almost normal weight, I've spent a LIFETIME with this weight thing. It invaded, affected and tainted EVERYTHING. I was put on my first "diet" at age 10, which taught me I was viewed differently, even by adults. 

I felt like a target. Cruel words and treatment, based upon external appearance, cut deeply. It was hard to develop self-confidence when I was constantly made to feel I was "less than." 

I've loved art as long as I can remember. But didn't believe in myself enough to seriously pursue it until recently. Have I mentioned I am 61 years young?? I may be a late bloomer, but I now want to bloom audaciously!! 

Yet when asked to join this project, I was embarrassed and ready to decline. I did NOT feel worthy of it! I've been struggling a LIFETIME, and yet am still not to goal. As of this writing, I have lost over 100 pounds, but am still barely even halfway there!

Then it hit me. I DO have something to say. ONE THING! The most important lesson I've learned along the way:

 NEVER QUIT. 

Ever. No matter what. 

Always ALWAYS 

keep going. 

Over the years I've tried or wanted to try just about everything, including weight loss surgery. But my insurance denied coverage. Which turned out a blessing in disguise, because losing that last hope made me desperate enough to be willing to change.  I had lost weight repeatedly in my life... but never kept it off. It always came back, and then some. I didn't want another diet. I wanted true inner change. 

For my lastest attempt in 2009, I had a simple plan: 1) Don't eat sugar or flour 2) Do some kind of exercise 3) Positive mental input, all on the foundation of my relationship with God.

That's it. Nothing complicated, and I tailored it for me. I could have anything, anytime, as long as it wasn't sugar or flour, which affects my blood sugar. Going sugar-free/gluten-free removed the insane physical cravings, giving me a fighting chance. Now I concentrate on the mental/spiritual issues. I have some medical issues that I have to work around, but this change made it possible for the first time in my life to KEEP OFF the pounds lost, with an occasional bit of bouncing. I know for it to be permanent, I have to change INside. My progress has been turtle slow, but I have hope and determination. 

Do I ever want to give up in frustration or discouragement? Yes! But feeling like doing something and DOING it are two different things. My source of strength is my relationship with God. He has never given up on me, so I won't either. Period. 

We all have the ability to choose. Sure, I was taught poor coping strategies as a child. But I was the one making those unhealthy choices as an adult. Me. That's GOOD news, because now I can choose to make BETTER choices. 

It's not easy, at for me. I aim for progress, not perfection. I am undoing a LIFETIME of damage, poor habits, early programming, and bad choices. It's been a long, hard road, and it's taken a long time to find pieces to MY puzzle, unique to me. I encourage others to seek what is right for them, and NEVER GIVE UP until they find it. 

My nutritional choices have gradually improved over time. I still struggle with quantities, and have decided to go back to what I did in the beginning: calorie tracking. I've studied and experimented, and that's just what seems to work best for me.

Same with exercise. I've tried lots of way to get movement, believing it's important to my health. My goals include walking again! Building strength, getting lighter, getting out of my wheelchair. It will happen one day, I'm convinced. All I have to do is NEVER QUIT! And a huge part of that relies upon that daily healthy mental/spiritual input. In fact... I'd say most of it.

"Sometime in your life you will go on a journey. It will be the longest journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find yourself." --Katherine Sharp

At 61, I think I am finally finding the real me.

Enjoy the journey,

Loretta

PS: If interested, I invite anyone here to visit me at my Art By Retta blog. That's where I'll be hanging out most of the time, at least for now. 

JULY 12th Still Here & Forgiving Myself

I wrote this post a few days ago, hesitated... then thought of discontinuing my blog because I was tired of blogging about weight. Seems like I've been talking about it all my my life. I've actually been posting more lately over at my art blog.  

But, this topic was different, and felt important. And whether I like it or not, I'm not done with this wt loss journey. 

However, this last Tuesday before I could get it posted, I had an emotional meltdown over an event that was costing us thousands, all because of me. Thousands we don't have. 

I was sobbing, angry, feeling so full of grief, regret and self-recrimination. I was feeling so horrible that my "fat" was once again impacting our lives negatively...and I asked my husband to forgive me for allowing this weight, this FAT, to poison our life together. 

It's a long story, and he was so loving and sweet. But the one thing he said that stood out above all else, that quieted my sobs, was that even if he had known what he was getting into all those years ago... he would've married me anyway. I can't begin to tell you what those words meant to my broken heart.

I finally realized that the problem was... 

*I* was not done forgiving myself.

 Here then, was the start 

ONLY THE START 

I see now, of that forgiveness 

that I wrote about a few days ago:

I've been reading a book titled 

The Healing Code, by Dr Alex Loyd.

Fascinating book, really. In a nutshell, it's purpose is to help people get to the root cause of their problems. And it puts forth the idea the root of our problems are issues of the heart. And some of these "wounds" happened a long time ago in our lives. We might think "well that's ancient history". But if it's not been truly healed then it's still there, causing stress on our systems and interfering with our bodies ability to function optimally and to keep us healthy, both mentally and physically (that's MY summary, not theirs).

The program is divided into 12 "categories". I've been going through them, one per day. It's a sort of prayer/meditation type of healing work, combined with energy medicine. Hard to explain without quoting the whole book.  :-)

Anyway, the category for last Friday was "unforgiveness". This includes any unforgiveness towards others, God or oneself. I thought since I had already gone through all the categories, it would be no biggee. 

First, I read the "truth statement" I had written for this category:

"In love, I forgive as God has forgiven me. I am learning to see as God sees. I choose to forgive and Let It Go, knowing God will work it out to the highest good of all involved." 

Next, I asked myself if there was anything about this overeating thing in regards to unforgiveness that still bothered me, and instantly the thought popped up: I wasted a lifetime messing around with this! 

It was so strong that I immediately started to cry. I was being honest with myself, and it opened a floodgate.

Then, I said the suggested prayer, closed my eyes and started the work of healing those memories and wrong beliefs (I won't try to describe that... it wouldn't really make sense unless you'd read the book, and I know it sounds weird enough as it is!). As I saw flashes of myself at different ages, it was as though a loving presence was with me, taking me along, giving me a different way of seeing.

And I remembered part of my Truth statement I had read right before I started: "learning to see as God sees".

I felt amazed and humbled, to think that this was the way He saw me.

Me: I saw failure; tried over and over yet never learned; misled, stumbling along, wasting this gift of life being distracted by this weight thing; affected all areas, nothing was untouched by it, all areas of my life--work, play, relationships, dreams, spiritual life, you name it.

God: He saw me with compassion, understanding, kindness, mercy, great patience. And the most shocking to me of all: approval.

Approval??!!

Me: I tried and failed over and over and over and over...

God: I tried and failed over and over and over and over... YET I WOULD GET UP, DUST OFF AND TRY ONCE AGAIN. He approved of my spirit, of not giving up, of mustering up the courage to risk the pain of another failure. He approves of that kind of heart!

That is stunning to me. I have never thought of it that way before.

It has nothing to do with being "obsessed" with dieting. I legitimately need to get the weight off. I need to find a way, not give up and just accept it.

The very fact that someone is trying is worthy of approval! And if we don't quit, if we are open to learn and grow and change... I believe we WILL get there.

I forgive myself for not getting there sooner. It's been a lifetime journey. I was a kid, just trying to cope with life the way I had been shown. It's all I knew to do  (as a result, I was put on my first diet at age 10). I carried that behavior on into adulthood, a deeply ingrained habit to use food for more than just nutrition. And yes, I was given wrong nutritional advice. And I paid the price for all that.  I'm still discovering pieces to the puzzle... answers.

I forgive myself. My whole life was affected along the way, but it was not done intentionally. I didn't know any other way. I tried everything I could think of throughout the years. I just kept trying...  

I want to see Myself, my life, the Younger Me, the way God sees me: with compassion, understanding and patience. And I am giving myself the nod of Approval for never quitting. You did the best you knew how, Kiddo. Now you know better and can DO better.

I let go of the disgust at all my past failures to lose weight. I let go of the impatience and frustration and harsh judgements, that it took me this long to change, to "get it". In it's place I offer myself approval and love.

I forgive myself.

As you can see from the opening of todays post, this is an ongoing process. I suspect there is still more work for me to do in this area. :-}

My book quote for today: "As relentlessly as you try, you cannot think one thing and experience something else." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me."

My quote for today: "Never give up, for that is the place and time that the tide will turn." --Harriet Beecher Stowe

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1054

FEB 16th Self-Concept & A Nice Discovery

Hello Journal & Friends,

A couple of days ago I was listening to a talk on my ipod by Brian Tracy,  a motivational speaker. He was on the subject of our self-concept and said we won't rise in life ABOVE how we see ourselves.

I paused my ipod to think about it, and decided--almost to my surprise--that I LIKE WHO I AM BECOMING. And I meant it. That was a nice surprise.

I resumed my ipod, and guess what he said next?!! 

He started talking about an area of research I had not heard of before, called "The Psychology of Becoming." He said everyone is always continually changing and growing as human beings, and becoming more and better and different. 

That we are always changing in the direction of our ideal "self", and in the direction of our dominant thoughts and dominant goals.  He goes on to talk in detail about things that hold us back from growing and changing in a healthy direction, and of course, how TO grow and improve and change in a good direction.

All that to say... I LIKED what I found myself thinking ABOUT myself! 

See, I can think back to much of my life where I was sooo disgusted with myself because all I could think about was my failure to be "strong" and lose weight. As kids, we grew up in a "just pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" environment, and I spent most of my life feeling ashamed of myself... wondering what was wrong with me... why can't I DO this?? This obvious and visible failure to "control myself" bled over into every area of my life. I used to think of it as a fungus, a mold, that spread silently into every crevice of my life. 

So, to realize last night that I genuinely LIKE who I am becoming... well, that makes me smile. And feel very grateful, calm, peaceful, and hopeful. And yes, strong inside. I think God meets us where we're at, and doesn't shove us aside just because we have flaws. I feel grateful that He always seems to bring something my way just at the right time when I need it. 

And this little coincidence... of me saying out loud to myself: "I like who I am becoming", and then the very next topic was all about The Psychology of Becoming... well, it was just too cool!!

My book quote for today: "All lasting growth begins with changes to the mental images you hold inside your head. They ultimately spread to the outside and create permanent changes in your circumstances. This is part of God's perfect design." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place." 

My quote for today: "Sometime in your life you will go on a journey. It will be the longest journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find yourself." --Katherine Sharp

Feeling happy today and enjoying the journey,

Loretta

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DAY 913

FEB 7th Then & Now & Happy Tears

Good evening,  Journal & Friends,

Yesterday afternoon a realization struck me... energy. 

I had energy. 

What's the big deal, you wonder??

Because for YEARS that has been the one thing I did NOT have.

I can remember how many times at the doctors office, when asked to recite my litany of complaints "for the record", I always, ALWAYS mentioned lack of energy. 

I distinctly remember the time it came up last year... just one year ago. I told my doctor that I was doing good to get one or two good days per month, where I felt actual energy. It was almost always an uphill battle. I had to force myself to get up, to do stuff, to move. I'm not even talking about pain levels here... just actual energy.

Well, yesterday I realized that I can now say I have, on average, 3 or 4 days PER WEEK.

For those of you who exude energy, be thankful. Don't take it for granted, okay?? I feel so grateful to be improving, and feeling real energy, it almost reduces me to tears. Happy tears.

Today, happy tears. :-)

Below are my favorite pages from a little hand painted book I made a few years ago in ink and watercolor, illustrating the book of Proverbs. I always wanted to be that woman, who had energy to do all those things, to care for her family with love and creativity. Energy... I'm finally enjoying some.

 (can click to enlarge)

From Dr Phil's book: "Have a plan and the courage, commitment and energy to execute it... you will overcome the tough stuff."

My verse for today: "The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy."

My quote for today: "Think and wonder, wonder and think." --Dr Seuss

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 904