Sept 5th Tick, tick, tick, tick...

I'll share with you a favorite quote today (feel free to use this poster for your own use; click to enlarge, then download the large file):

Been a long, hard, dark tunnel.
But there is light at the end... it's gettin' closer.


Never give up, never surrender.

Loretta
=^..^=

MAY 17th Pressing On

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves to never give up, never surrender. 

And there are those days when I just need to counter the doubts and fears with Truth.

A favorite verse of mine that I find encouraging is:

"Those who hope in the Lord 
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Is 40:31


Enjoy the journey,

Loretta

NOV 6th The Wall & The Pig

Smack!! 

What was that?? Oh... the Wall I ran into. sigh...

I realize that it's not acceptable behavior in "motivational" circles to admit struggle. But unless I face a thing and am honest with myself, how can I deal with it? It feels like I hit a wall recently... got so far, and then splat! Can't seem to regain my footing and continue.

I say "seem" because I know that's not true. It just feels that way. And while my feelings have been bouncing all over the place lately, a part of me is still determined not to be ruled by them. Not to let them dictate my future. They are good for finding clues, but not for making decisions. I suppose it's these kind of times when I see if I truly believe the stuff I spout on this blog, eh??

For several years now I've related to the image of the Flying Pig. I once posted this picture: 

The idea of a flying pig is such an over-the-top figure of speech as to imply the impossible. But to me, it speaks of POSSIBILITIES.  Of overcoming the impossible. Of a hope so powerful that is acts like fuel for my determination. I LOVE the idea of the little pig defying all odds, and FLYING! He's sort of been my little mascot, sitting above my computer.

I see him every time I come to the computer. And I remember that all things are possible with God. So I refuse to let the discouraging thoughts put down roots into my mind.  I just can't dwell on them, and let them grow; it's too dangerous. 

All I can do is to DO what I know to do, and trust that eventually I will be back on track and see progress. I WILL fly. I refuse to let go of hope, to let go of my dreams and give up.

Sometimes we get so close to that edge. You know that edge... the drop off of despair... the cliff of total discouragement... the gulf of giving up. I don't know about you, but it's scary to me. While it's tempting to just give in and take the easy way out, full of excuses and self-pity, it's also terrifying how easy it is to slide back and go the wrong way!

So no... I refuse to go there. I don't care what anybody says... even my own mind. I WILL fly. I get to choose, and that's my choice. I wish I could say, like some do, that "it is easy". Well, right now it AIN'T easy for me. 

I admit that sometimes I whine "it's not fair". But remember what they say? The fair only comes once a year, and usually out in the country. (Ha ha on me; I just read that this morning, and said "ouch!")

Some days we just have to choose to keep going in spite of "life". And eventually, it gets better. I really believe that. No, I don't "feel" that right now... but I do believe it.

My book quote for today: "Unfortunately, most people struggle to change or renew their circumstances (lose weight, fix their marriage, make more money), when they should be asking God to help them renew their minds." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!"

My quote for today: "There is no use trying," said Alice; one can't believe impossible things."  "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." --Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Gazelle photo courtesy of Stig Nygaard

Wings & Poster courtesy of Moi

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1171

OCT 24th Heartfelt Update

This last Monday my Sweetie and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. 35 years! That translates to over half my life. We looked at each other, and just couldn't believe it. 

In our hearts, we are still those two young lovers holding hands as they walked around the flea market. We stopped at a booth, and Jim bought me a stuffed animal. It was two puppy dogs, their paws held together with velcro. As we left, the vendor saw WE were holding hands, smiled and said: "Puppy love!"

My sister Karen,   in addition to being a writer, is a talented musician. For our wedding, she wrote and sang a song for us. It was a promise from God, and the main line said: "This gift give I to you, to love one another." It went on to promise that even through floods of trouble, our love would never be washed away.

Well, if you think you can make it for 35 years without going through troubles, you haven't been married long! :-)  But, we made it. Neither of us is perfect... far from it. Yet that promise has held, and I think I am finally learning what love really is.

Love is to give without expectancy of return. To love for loves sake alone. A return is just icing on the cake, but it's not the motive for the giving. Love is. Do I DO that all the time?? Nope... but I'm learning.

I'm thankful for that promise all those years ago... that Gift of Love. 

Oh... and I still have that stuffed animal!
Edited to add: I dusted off the puppies and added their Portrait at the beginning of this post. :-D

Cry of My Heart, by Terry Butler

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

Day 1158

SEPT 28th Always Keep Going & Decisions

It's been a hard few days... well, weeks actually. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of tears, lots of soul searching. I'd have a few good on plan days, then go over my calories. Rinse and repeat. 

I finally slowed down, got honest with myself, and listed what the major thorns were, including what I might do about them.

1) I was re-visiting my spiritual roots, and asking a lot of questions, and trying to learn what it really means to do this thing in God's strength, not my own limited supply. I felt like such a failure... Answer: Admit defeat; accept God's compassion, mercy, and grace. Trust in His love. Rest in that love.

2) I was fed up with so many thoughts about ME, and this weight loss struggle, and always feeling like success was just around the corner; it was just out of reach; it was teasing me, illusive and slippery. Answer: see Answer #1 :-}

3) I was frustrated to realize that I was STILL doing the "as soon as" thing with regards to my art. "As soon as this weight thing is solved, I can concentrate on my true passion."  I thought I had gone beyond that, only to find I had fallen right back into the same muck. Answer: change where I spend my time, my energies.

4) My health has been acting up and causing so much physical pain, that I fell into the most deadly of all thinking: self-pity. It drained my energy, and I found myself many times saying "oh what's the use?" Answer: Be honest with my feelings. Remember gratitude. Then go back again to Answer #1

5) And with the health problems, I thought about Time. None of us are guaranteed more Time. And I came to the conclusion I didn't want to spend all my focus on this weight thing. Yes, I will keep going, and working at it. But I am tired of talking about it for now. I want to spend what computer time I have over at my art blog instead. Answer: obvious!  :-D

So I think this (too long) post will be it for awhile here. I was recently asked to join a book project, which was subsequently postponed. But it got me to thinking, and I've decided to close out here with some of those thoughts... it sort of sums it all up:

Fat baby. Fat child. Fat teenager. Fat adult.

Until I started my blog, I rarely talked about it. I smiled. I answered "I'm fine" when asked. But how "fine" can you be when your highest weight was 460 pounds??

Why talk about those early years?? Because they were the foundation. No blaming, simply for understanding. Wearing leg braces due to a birth defect, I first learned to walk as a chunky 3 year old. 

Upset, scared, crying? Food. 

Mad, sad, glad? Food. 

Reward, bribe, celebration? Food. 

You name it, Food was the solution.

This foundation set me up for a lifetime struggle. Not being taught food was for nutrition, but could be a comforter, soother, escape, even friend. That's what I "heard", anyway. How I wish I had been taught a healthy way to process feelings. Instead, I was told "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." 

Except for a couple of teenage attempts when I "dieted" to an almost normal weight, I've spent a LIFETIME with this weight thing. It invaded, affected and tainted EVERYTHING. I was put on my first "diet" at age 10, which taught me I was viewed differently, even by adults. 

I felt like a target. Cruel words and treatment, based upon external appearance, cut deeply. It was hard to develop self-confidence when I was constantly made to feel I was "less than." 

I've loved art as long as I can remember. But didn't believe in myself enough to seriously pursue it until recently. Have I mentioned I am 61 years young?? I may be a late bloomer, but I now want to bloom audaciously!! 

Yet when asked to join this project, I was embarrassed and ready to decline. I did NOT feel worthy of it! I've been struggling a LIFETIME, and yet am still not to goal. As of this writing, I have lost over 100 pounds, but am still barely even halfway there!

Then it hit me. I DO have something to say. ONE THING! The most important lesson I've learned along the way:

 NEVER QUIT. 

Ever. No matter what. 

Always ALWAYS 

keep going. 

Over the years I've tried or wanted to try just about everything, including weight loss surgery. But my insurance denied coverage. Which turned out a blessing in disguise, because losing that last hope made me desperate enough to be willing to change.  I had lost weight repeatedly in my life... but never kept it off. It always came back, and then some. I didn't want another diet. I wanted true inner change. 

For my lastest attempt in 2009, I had a simple plan: 1) Don't eat sugar or flour 2) Do some kind of exercise 3) Positive mental input, all on the foundation of my relationship with God.

That's it. Nothing complicated, and I tailored it for me. I could have anything, anytime, as long as it wasn't sugar or flour, which affects my blood sugar. Going sugar-free/gluten-free removed the insane physical cravings, giving me a fighting chance. Now I concentrate on the mental/spiritual issues. I have some medical issues that I have to work around, but this change made it possible for the first time in my life to KEEP OFF the pounds lost, with an occasional bit of bouncing. I know for it to be permanent, I have to change INside. My progress has been turtle slow, but I have hope and determination. 

Do I ever want to give up in frustration or discouragement? Yes! But feeling like doing something and DOING it are two different things. My source of strength is my relationship with God. He has never given up on me, so I won't either. Period. 

We all have the ability to choose. Sure, I was taught poor coping strategies as a child. But I was the one making those unhealthy choices as an adult. Me. That's GOOD news, because now I can choose to make BETTER choices. 

It's not easy, at for me. I aim for progress, not perfection. I am undoing a LIFETIME of damage, poor habits, early programming, and bad choices. It's been a long, hard road, and it's taken a long time to find pieces to MY puzzle, unique to me. I encourage others to seek what is right for them, and NEVER GIVE UP until they find it. 

My nutritional choices have gradually improved over time. I still struggle with quantities, and have decided to go back to what I did in the beginning: calorie tracking. I've studied and experimented, and that's just what seems to work best for me.

Same with exercise. I've tried lots of way to get movement, believing it's important to my health. My goals include walking again! Building strength, getting lighter, getting out of my wheelchair. It will happen one day, I'm convinced. All I have to do is NEVER QUIT! And a huge part of that relies upon that daily healthy mental/spiritual input. In fact... I'd say most of it.

"Sometime in your life you will go on a journey. It will be the longest journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find yourself." --Katherine Sharp

At 61, I think I am finally finding the real me.

Enjoy the journey,

Loretta

PS: If interested, I invite anyone here to visit me at my Art By Retta blog. That's where I'll be hanging out most of the time, at least for now. 

SEPT 23rd A Thought for Sunday

Just a little something for which I am thankful...

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

Day 1127 

JAN 12th A Song & Baring My Heart

Hi Journal & Friends,

When I was 20, I thought I had forever.

In a few days I'll be 61... and now I think differently. I want to have not wasted this gift called Life. I want to BE the person I was created to be, to live a DELIBERATE life, to live on purpose and with passion.

This Time theme tends to 

show up in my art, too...

I know some of you don't watch videos... you skim in 30 seconds and are off to the next blog... I get it, really. So, just for you, I'm including some of the lyrics from the video below. :-)

I was struck by it... how much it expressed my longing to live a life that matters, that leaves the world a tiny better for having been in it. 

I Was Here

I wanna leave my footprints on the sands of timeKnow there was something that, and something that I left behindWhen I leave this world, I'll leave no regretsLeave something to remember, so they won't forget
I was hereI lived, I lovedI was hereI did, I've done, everything that I wantedAnd it was more than I thought it would beI will leave my mark so everyone will knowI was here
I want to say I lived each day, until I dieAnd know that I meant something in, somebody's lifeThe hearts I have touched, will be the proof that I leaveThat I made a difference, and this world will see
I was hereI lived, I lovedI was hereI did, I've done, everything that I wantedAnd it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was hereI lived, I lovedI was hereI did, I've done, everything that I wantedAnd it was more than I thought it would beI will leave my mark so everyone will knowI was here
I just want them to knowThat I gave my all, did my bestBrought someone some happinessLeft this world a little better just because
I was here.......

Some have cattily said it's an arrogant song by Beyonce, like she thinks she's "all that". Well, I don't see it that way. 

I see it as someone who wants to LIVE their life with purpose, with intention, not wasting it and wanting to give back. To love and to be loved. To live a DELIBERATE life. 

That's the cry of my heart, too. I don't need the applause of the audience, or my name in lights, or pats on the back. I DO need to know, in my heart of hearts, that I did my best to live, love, and give. 

On my darkest days, I admit I cry and have regrets and feel I missed the mark. But most days now, I feel like I am at least reaching out, aiming higher, and trying to make Time count for something... to be the person God created me to be... "that I gave my all, did my best, brought someone some happiness, left this world a little better just because I was here..."

From Dr Phil's book: "Be realistic about what you can control and what you can't."

My verse for today: "Let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

My quote for today: "I will live this day to it's fullest. Time is the coin of my life, and I choose to spend it wisely." --Carl Sandburg, paraphrased

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 878

DEC 28th I Stuck to my Plan & The Birthday Girl!

Hi Journal & Friends,

Joey went with us on Christmas Eve to see the Christmas lights... what fun! 

We made our "imitation blizzards" to take, and they turned out delicious. I didn't miss the Dairy Queen version in the least! And we knew what we were drinking was actually good for us, too. Well, "most" of it. Jim wanted a "butterfinger" flavor, like the one DQ makes. I came kinda close, but to get his requested flavor had to use some of his little Russel Stover butter crunch candies whizzed up in them. Oh well, it was still better than going off plan and hitting the local DQ!  :-D

I went into the holidays with a plan, and stuck to it. I can't tell you how encouraging and energizing that feels. By the way, if anyone reading this did NOT stay on their plan, please don't wait til the new year. Start NOW. You'll feel that same encouragement and energy just from making the choice to make your health a priority. Or, as Anne at Carb Tripper calls it, your Fitness Goals. You've gotta see her latest VLOG, it's so good.

Anyway, grab ahold NOW, don't wait, you'll be glad you did. :-)

So... off we went to see the pretty lights. And Joey was sooo funny. She spends most days at home with me, so she is always jazzed when she gets to go on an adventure. This was her first Christmas... she will turn one year old on Dec 28th... oh, wait, that's today! 

Happy Birthday Joey!

Here are a few of the pretty houses we saw (can click to enlarge).

First stop was at the

Elf Training Center:

 Joey and Jim looking

at the lights:

 Joey was excited by 

people walking around...

lots of parents brought 

their children and that

got Joey all jazzed. Not 

that it takes much to get a

mini-schnauzer jazzed!

 She caught me aiming the

camera at her:

 Can you see what the

neighbor did for his 

decorations?

 The neighbors lights:

 Next we were off to the 

"fancy" neighborhood. Every 

year they do a food drive, 

since they get thousands

of drive by lookers.

It was a residential street, with lots of pedestrians. Joey was so excited by all the people walking around... and actually tried to sort of sing/howl when she heard the carolers... too funny!

And I want to thank all of you that left such great comments after my first VLOG attempt. You were soooo kind and encouraging! Why... I think I'll even do another one some time, ha ha ha!

From Dr Phil's book: "You must hold yourself to a higher standard now. You cannot be wishy washy."

My verse for today: Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble."

My quote for today: "Age is something that just doesn't matter, unless  you're a cheese." --Billie Burke

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 863