APRIL 15TH CHANGE O DIRECTION IN MY LIFE

Buckle your seatbelts… change of direction coming.

From now on this blog Is just going to be about me today and where my last journey is taking me around A new corner. I can no longer type with both hands so I'm using a dictation app which is sort of goofy doesn't work weLL BUT BETTER THAN nothing please forgive typos and clunky formatting

If you would prefer ALL upbeat BETTER SCHOOCH ALONG there're a lot of others out there who are wonderful at that

But this is just my story :

I’m a left-handed artist who is now Learning to except complete loss of Left sidE. Yeah I'm still in the HEY THIS AINT FAIR PHASE. And my dear sister Karen SAID something to me the other day that really helped : she said it's okay to cry ITS OKAY TO CRY! And I said well that's good because I've been CRYING A LOT lately.

SO there you go the last gRAND adventure.

My heart is broken for so many people HURTING  around the world right now. PLEASE BE Aware now, THAT IF TALK OF GOD makeS YOU UN comfortable that's okay I understand BUT YOU ARE Still welcome here WITH open arms right now GOD is the only thing SOLID that I have to hold onTO.

GODs been so kind to me and Never rejected me but always been there for me NO MATTER HOW much I GOOF UP.

THIIS  is so hard on my sweetheart OF 43 years Jim. He is taking such good care of me AND DOES everything everything everyday LATE INTO MANY NITES. I am so blessed to Have been married to him all these years what a guy.

 A Couple of days ago HE WAS so tired, AND I said a prayer, God how can I love him betteR, he deserves better. And I was so surprised to instantly get a reply OH,I didn't hear a voice I'm not that crazy but I DID heAR an IDEA: I was reminded OF AN old hYMN CALLED Learning to lean…  the whole point OF THE IDEA IS TO LEARN TO  LEAN ON JESUS, NOT SO HARD ON MY JIM. IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE GOD WAS REALLY RIGHT THERE AS I SAID MY REQUEST , AND IT WAS SWEET THAT I GOT SUCH A FAST ANSWER 

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Learning to lean

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Sad, broken-hearted, at an alter I knelt

I found peace that was so serene

And all that He asks is a child like trust

And a heart that is learning to lean

Learning to lean

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Learning to lean

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Songwriters: Jeannie Vee Clattenburg

PLEASE, LORD LET ALL THE SCARED AND HURTING PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD KNOW THEY CAN LEAN INTO YOU, AND YOU WILL HOLD ALL O F US, ME TOO, AND FIND COMFORT AND HOPE.  

HUGS, 

RETTA

Dec 22nd Ending the Year with Hope & Peace

So many changes, so much to feel thankful about. 

Very busy, like everyone else. :-)

I'm feeling encouraged and hopeful. Lots to think about, lots to learn, lots to do.

Do.

That's the key. Consistently do.

I'm still working on my SERF practices. That stands for Spiritual, Exercise, Rest, and Food Plan. Simple, yes, but easy for me to remember.

In case anyone missed it, I wanted to offer a Christmas present to ya'll: 

a free e-book from Dr Marty Lerner (link below). 

It's the one that I feel God used to show me some pieces to the puzzle that I had been missing. It's not just a bunch of theory. Anyone on this journey to health very long has had it up to HERE with theory, yes?!

It's action oriented. Short. Practical. Sure... work on the Whys all you want. But in the meantime, DO. That's the book in a nutshell. In fact, in his 30-ish years of running an addiction clinic (Milestones in Recovery), Dr Lerner has been convinced that until we get our behinds fully into DO mode, we will be side-tracked and stuck forever in the WHY mode. That we will have the cart before the horse. 

So his solution: DO. Then once rolling in the right direction, we can work on the other stuff.

Highly recommended. Here is the link to the free ebook, no strings attached. 

Merry Christmas!

My book quote for today: "You make a daily choice in how the rest of your life goes, and it can be great. The rules are straightforward: exercise hard and you will grow younger. Care about other people and you will grow happier. Build a life that you think means something and you will grow richer." --Crowley and Lodge, Younger Next Year for Women

My verse for today: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

My quote for today:"Be like the bird who, pausing in her flight on limb too slight, feel it give way beneath her, yet sings, knowing she hath wings." --Victor Hugo

Retta

=^..^=

JAN 4th Ain't Got No Rezolooshuns!

I'm still alive an' kicking!

And I finally have something to say. So... here I iz.

The one advantage of being sick ALL of December is that I had no energy or desire to get all philosophical and analytical, and make up a bunch of optimistic and high-flying New Year's Resolutions. Nope, not this year. Not interested.

They're great if they help you. But I discovered something as the new year rolled around, and I noticed all the pro and con resolution talk: that was I was content. I didn't have any desire this year to shake things up, or make huge dramatic changes. 

What I've been doing seems to be "okay". There is no drama, no angst. Me and my Lord are just truckin' along, with Him leading and me trying to stay on the right path. When I wander off into the weeds now and then, He lovingly helps me scramble back on track. It's the no drama part I'm enjoying... the peaceful part.

Okay, the weight thing for 2013?? My highest during 2013 was 366, my lowest is currently 340. So, net loss of 26 pounds for the year. Better than a gain... I'll take it. End of story.

"Detail from Moonlight Rendezvous"

More than that, I've found Peace on this journey. And had one big eye opening revelation a few months ago that rocked me. Okay, if you are one of those that roll your eyes when the fat person talks about "aha" moments that are obvious to all around her... well tune out now, cuz here it comes. ;-)

It's this: I REALLY saw that I've believed a LIE all my life. I've thought about it before, but now I SEE it, know it. I get it. I don't know how to put it into one tiny sentence, so here is how the LIE worked out into my life:

• I felt had to lose weight to be taken seriously, to deserve respect, both personally and in my art business
• until I lost the weight, which is how I believed "mature/responsible" people behaved, I felt I was not good enough
• this LIE side-tracked me all my life, invading all areas, and holding me back from being who I was meant to be
• I kept thinking "as soon as I lose the weight" I can <fill in the blank>
• I allowed this Quest To Lose Weight to be number one, to get too much continuing focus

There's more, but you get the idea. The Weight Loss Thing sat on the throne. Got all the attention, all the energy, and drained me.

"Uphill, Peruvian Style"

These last few months when I've pulled back from the weight loss focus have so... NICE. I've already paid my dues to learn the physical/nutritional parts of what I need to do. I spent the time and effort to ask hard questions of myself, to look inside and do the Heart work. So to finally NOT make weight loss the Number One Thing all the time has been refreshing!

I asked God to help me see how to better spend my time; how to be who He meant me to be; how to not waste this gift of time; to learn to Love better.

"Time, Our Companion"

So, no big weight loss to brag about this year.

But there is one thing that I AM excited about, and proud of myself in a goofy way. At the beginning of the year I joined an online art group, the Virtual Paintout. I wanted to participate for the entire year. Each month we virtually traveled to a new place in the world, via google street view, and painted from a location there. And even though I was sick as a DOG all December, I finished December's painting in Venice, Italy!

"Are You Here, My Love?"

That was a big deal for me. It's as though something in me that I almost lost, that got buried and kicked to the side, and I almost gave up on, has come alive again. I have no allusions as to being some kind of "great painter", and changing the world or anything like that. But I do want to be who I was meant to be. To paint joy, and hope, and beauty, and put my Heart onto the canvas with that paint.  I almost lost that due to the LIE, believing that I had to do the weight loss thing first.

But the Lie has been exposed now. 

If I never lost another ounce, I will still paint. If I never sold another painting, I will still paint. I will paint with love, with joy, with passion and with hope. And with much gratitude, hoping that it can be a blessing to others.

May you all be blessed with a most wonderful and peaceful New Year!

"Hope and a Future"

Enjoying the Journey, 

Loretta

OCT 24th Heartfelt Update

This last Monday my Sweetie and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. 35 years! That translates to over half my life. We looked at each other, and just couldn't believe it. 

In our hearts, we are still those two young lovers holding hands as they walked around the flea market. We stopped at a booth, and Jim bought me a stuffed animal. It was two puppy dogs, their paws held together with velcro. As we left, the vendor saw WE were holding hands, smiled and said: "Puppy love!"

My sister Karen,   in addition to being a writer, is a talented musician. For our wedding, she wrote and sang a song for us. It was a promise from God, and the main line said: "This gift give I to you, to love one another." It went on to promise that even through floods of trouble, our love would never be washed away.

Well, if you think you can make it for 35 years without going through troubles, you haven't been married long! :-)  But, we made it. Neither of us is perfect... far from it. Yet that promise has held, and I think I am finally learning what love really is.

Love is to give without expectancy of return. To love for loves sake alone. A return is just icing on the cake, but it's not the motive for the giving. Love is. Do I DO that all the time?? Nope... but I'm learning.

I'm thankful for that promise all those years ago... that Gift of Love. 

Oh... and I still have that stuffed animal!
Edited to add: I dusted off the puppies and added their Portrait at the beginning of this post. :-D

Cry of My Heart, by Terry Butler

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

Day 1158

MAY 13th Musings on My 1000th Day Since Blogstart

Good morning Journal,

Today I went to China and watched Jeffrey Hessing paint! Well... through the magic of video. :-) 

I adore Jeffrey and his paintings. His love of color and life and beauty. The way he sees and FEELS a painting.

If I had the means and opportunity to take only one workshop in my life, it would be with him as my mentor.

(A detail from my favorite painting of his, titled "Lijiang"; 

the complete painting may be seen Here, 

under Example paintings/China) 

As I watched the video titled Hessing in Hangzhou on his website, showing Jeffrey float along the shoreline painting at an easel rigged up on the little boat, I kind of envied his ability to travel so much. He loves painting on location. Being influenced by the LIFE of his surroundings... absorbing that life into himself and then out it comes onto his joyfully colorful canvases!

Right now, until I gain strength, I spend most of my days in my power chair. I currently can't go anywhere unless Jim is there to help load and unload my chair, and take me. So my life, my world, is here at home most of the time.

But guess what? With Jim and Joey gone camping, it's been quiet and peaceful, and I've gone out into the backyard and just sat, looking.

And absorbing MY surroundings. 

Hearing at least 6 different bird calls. 

Seeing all the spring growth, and the riot of colors in nature. 

Our backyard is huge to me, surrounded on all sides with a privacy fence and many tall trees and shrubs in site. It felt like I was in a park!

And I was overwhelmed with gratitude for this wonderful and beautiful home. 

It was a miracle the way it worked out that we could actually buy it about 4 years ago, with no money down, and I am very aware of how blessed we are. 

Here is my "park", from left to right. (can click pics to enlarge)


We have nice neighbors on all three sides who also appreciate their privacy. Oh, and Joey loves it too, because all three neighbors have doggies that come out to "talk" and play with her through the fence. :-D

Left corner (edge of house at left of pic)

This is where Joey greets a little girl Maltese daily.

Middle of left side; Joey hides her 

best chews behind this huge bush.

Farther down to left corner of yard.

Looking up above the back fence, and

a little to the rt of the little storage shed.

Smack in the middle of the back fence.

Beyond this fence lives half a dozen little
black and white Boston Terriers that race 
around and get Joey totally jazzed every 
day! And if she needed any MORE reason

to be excitable, in that reddish bush, about 
7 feet above the ground, is a birdie nest 
with 3 baby Blue Jays and noisy 
protective Mama Blue Jay!

And this is the rt corner and rt side fence. 
Beyond this fence live 2 HUGE dogs who 
wag their huge tails when tiny Joey bounces
over to greet them every day. So funny!

Even the kitties get to come outside in their

"playpen" and enjoy the grass and sun.

I wish my Mom could have seen my dream home... she would have loved my backyard.

Happy Mother's Day, Momma.

Loretta

on Day 1000

MAY 12th A Love Affair!

Hi Journal & Friends,

Okay, sorry. I couldn't resist that teaser title! I just wanted to share what a wonderful time I'm having. 

I've been doing what is popularly called "inner healing" work, and it's been amazing, powerful and surprising. 

And I really feel like I AM having a love affair... with God! In a most glorious and holy sense. I "met" Him in 1975. My life was forever changed... yet I still overate. Many things changed... but not my habit of using food inappropriately.

Over the years our relationship weathered all kinds of storms... the typical highs and lows of life. Yet He was always there for me. Nuthin special about ME... it was Him and His love. He's just that way. :-)

A couple of days ago I stumbled upon a book I read years ago called "The Sacred Romance", by Brent Curtis & John Eldredge. I dusted it off and glanced through it, and was swept back in time to when I first read it. Tears welled up as I remembered the feelings I had when I read it. What an experience! Changed forever the way I saw me, God, the yearning of our hearts, His love for me/us. 

Part of the blurb on the back of the book says: 

"The Sacred Romance invites us to see what God is doing behind the scenes of our lives to woo us to Himself. A glimpse of His wild beauty arouses our desire and puts us on a journey to capture or be captured by love..."

Please... if anyone is open to looking at things a bit differently than normal, this is the book for you. Not churchy or preachy. Simply beautiful! You can buy a used copy on Amazon for 1 penny plus shipping, and it'll be one of the most loving things you ever did for yourself! 

Well... that's not what I had intended to write! LOL!

I meant to say that during this inner healing work, I've felt so wrapped up in Love, and so totally supported by God, and feeling like all shame and guilt over what I did to myself has been peeled away and healed. I feel free from it, totally. And in it's place is this cuddly soft cashmere wrap of Understanding, Encouragement and Love.

Yep, I'm having a wonderful time. I'm following the lessons in a book I recently finished reading. I'm so new to it, that I hesitate to write all about it yet. I'm no expert, that's a for sure! But if there is interest here, I suppose will.

(Joey about to exit her doggie door)

Jim and Joey are on vacation, camping out. Jim called and said it was chilly at night, and that Joey immediately crawled INSIDE the sleeping bag with him. 

So it's all quiet here on the home front. I think that is why I was able to just quiet myself and see some of this breakthrough progess. :-)

(Joey was raised with 2 kitties who like to get up on things. 

I think Joey must think she is a cat!)

My book quote for today: "The true story of every person in this world is not the story you see, the external story. The true story of each person is the journey of his or her heart." --Curtis & Eldredge, The Sacred Romance

My verse for today: "The Lord is God, and he has made his light shine upon us."

My quote for today: "Be like the bird who, pausing on her flight on limb too slight, feel it give way beneath her, yet sings, knowing she hath wings." --Victor Hugo

Enjoy the inner Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 999

FEB 16th Self-Concept & A Nice Discovery

Hello Journal & Friends,

A couple of days ago I was listening to a talk on my ipod by Brian Tracy,  a motivational speaker. He was on the subject of our self-concept and said we won't rise in life ABOVE how we see ourselves.

I paused my ipod to think about it, and decided--almost to my surprise--that I LIKE WHO I AM BECOMING. And I meant it. That was a nice surprise.

I resumed my ipod, and guess what he said next?!! 

He started talking about an area of research I had not heard of before, called "The Psychology of Becoming." He said everyone is always continually changing and growing as human beings, and becoming more and better and different. 

That we are always changing in the direction of our ideal "self", and in the direction of our dominant thoughts and dominant goals.  He goes on to talk in detail about things that hold us back from growing and changing in a healthy direction, and of course, how TO grow and improve and change in a good direction.

All that to say... I LIKED what I found myself thinking ABOUT myself! 

See, I can think back to much of my life where I was sooo disgusted with myself because all I could think about was my failure to be "strong" and lose weight. As kids, we grew up in a "just pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" environment, and I spent most of my life feeling ashamed of myself... wondering what was wrong with me... why can't I DO this?? This obvious and visible failure to "control myself" bled over into every area of my life. I used to think of it as a fungus, a mold, that spread silently into every crevice of my life. 

So, to realize last night that I genuinely LIKE who I am becoming... well, that makes me smile. And feel very grateful, calm, peaceful, and hopeful. And yes, strong inside. I think God meets us where we're at, and doesn't shove us aside just because we have flaws. I feel grateful that He always seems to bring something my way just at the right time when I need it. 

And this little coincidence... of me saying out loud to myself: "I like who I am becoming", and then the very next topic was all about The Psychology of Becoming... well, it was just too cool!!

My book quote for today: "All lasting growth begins with changes to the mental images you hold inside your head. They ultimately spread to the outside and create permanent changes in your circumstances. This is part of God's perfect design." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place." 

My quote for today: "Sometime in your life you will go on a journey. It will be the longest journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find yourself." --Katherine Sharp

Feeling happy today and enjoying the journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 913

FEB 7th Then & Now & Happy Tears

Good evening,  Journal & Friends,

Yesterday afternoon a realization struck me... energy. 

I had energy. 

What's the big deal, you wonder??

Because for YEARS that has been the one thing I did NOT have.

I can remember how many times at the doctors office, when asked to recite my litany of complaints "for the record", I always, ALWAYS mentioned lack of energy. 

I distinctly remember the time it came up last year... just one year ago. I told my doctor that I was doing good to get one or two good days per month, where I felt actual energy. It was almost always an uphill battle. I had to force myself to get up, to do stuff, to move. I'm not even talking about pain levels here... just actual energy.

Well, yesterday I realized that I can now say I have, on average, 3 or 4 days PER WEEK.

For those of you who exude energy, be thankful. Don't take it for granted, okay?? I feel so grateful to be improving, and feeling real energy, it almost reduces me to tears. Happy tears.

Today, happy tears. :-)

Below are my favorite pages from a little hand painted book I made a few years ago in ink and watercolor, illustrating the book of Proverbs. I always wanted to be that woman, who had energy to do all those things, to care for her family with love and creativity. Energy... I'm finally enjoying some.

 (can click to enlarge)

From Dr Phil's book: "Have a plan and the courage, commitment and energy to execute it... you will overcome the tough stuff."

My verse for today: "The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy."

My quote for today: "Think and wonder, wonder and think." --Dr Seuss

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 904

DEC 22nd We Are Loved & We Are Worth It

Hello Journal & Friends,

I'm enjoying the holidays this year... in a sort of gentle way. It feels peaceful and thankful. 

Jim put up our white icicle lights this year, adding several large green wreaths with huge red bows. The house looks so festive and pretty! It always touches me when he does this... it's a lot of work. If he had his way, he wouldn't bother. But, he does it solely because he knows how much I love it. I don't take that for granted... it's a gift to me!

I started my sugarfree/glutenfree gingerbread men this morning... the dough is in the fridge "resting", and I'll finish them later today. They'll be my dessert contribution at a family Christmas Eve dinner.

I was trying to put my finger on why I'm feeling so peaceful this holiday season. Aside from staying away from crazy crowds of shoppers ;-) I think it's because I am feeling "worth it". 

• Choosing to make the extra effort to bake fun holiday stuff that is On Plan, because my health is worth it. 

• Choosing to tell the hostess of the dinner we'll be going to that I don't want to offend anyone, but will NOT be eating anything with sugar or flour, and offering to bring something... because I am respecting my own needs and putting my health first, above "politeness". And she was totally gracious!

• Choosing to pass on things I used to abuse, like store bought egg nog (which is full of sugar and chemicals) because I would rather lose weight and get healthy than repeat past poor choices. And I do mean reeeaaally poor choices... we'd get a half gallon of the stuff and Jim was lucky if he got one serving. Guess who drank the rest?!!  Now, I would rather take care of myself than go for that immediate gratification that comes back later to bite me in the you-know-where! It's just not worth it anymore. I found a recipe online for Almond Milk Eggnog from Carolyn Ketchum HERE  that I'm going to try instead. And I'm more than fine with that choice... in fact, it makes me smile.

• Choosing to continue to work on the mental aspect of this journey. I did my homework so have the majority of the nutritional stuff worked out, with a little fine tuning to do yet. But I am still 100% convinced that long-term success lies in the area of mental toughness. I have a spiritual foundation that gives me a solid footing. But after that, I know it's been my squirrelly thinking in the past that derailed me. So, I continue to focus on that aspect. More to come on that in a few days. :-)

My Christmas gift to myself: Choosing to believe I am worth it. I want to respect myself. To make loving choices that will help create my healthy future.

And in the long run, it also turns out to be a gift to those I care about, since I am better able to live, love and give if I'm healthy and strong.

Do I ever struggle? Of course. Just last night I started to go over my limit. I had to laugh when I remembered Chris's post  about how to tell if you're really hungry... would you eat radishes or cabbage?? Uh... no! Not THAT hungry. Then stop. Do you want to lose the weight or eat that? Uh... I want to lose the weight. Then stop. 

I'm going to join the trend in taking a Christmas mini-vacation from blogging. 

So I hope all of you have a most WONDERFUL Christmas, or Hanukkah or other holy days you celebrate. 

Me... I'm celebrating the birth of the Christ child who grew up to be the Savior. And it was all because of Love. So God's gift to me and to you at Christmas is Love.

See ya in a few days!

Enjoying the Journey during the Holidays,

Loretta

=^..^=

PS: Joey is doing great! The vet's office said to try to keep her calm so she won't tear out her stitches... then laughed and said "good luck with that" when they remembered she was a Mini-Schnauzer, LOL! Joey says Thank You for the well wishes. 

DAY 857