One More Chance

Desperation can be a good thing sometimes.

I was put on my first diet at 10 yrs old. Since then it feels like I've tried 'em all. 

Me at 10 yrs old

Yet I remember one time saying "I'll give up anything, except my Best Foods Mayo!" And I was serious.

I didn't think I should have to sacrifice; that was too Spartan; I refused to go on yet another "diet", because after all, it was a lifestyle change, so why couldn't I keep my mayo? And of course, it wasn't fair...etc etc etc. All that squirrely thinking stuff.

So...I lost, regained, lost, regained, lost, regained...

 Then, at 460 lbs I finally WAS willing enough to give up ANYTHING, even my favorite drug, my mayo (which I slathered on almost everything, of course). It took a long time to find my path. I lost over 150 lbs over the course of a few years.  Then I got stuck, and regained about 50 lbs. I came so close to permanently giving up. I was losing hope.

All that to say: desperation can be a good thing. 

I recently joined Sean Anderson's support/accountability group, yet I wasn't sure it would work one more time for me. I mean, come on, I'm now 65! But I finally was willing to try, one more time. I was again desperate.

My desperation has fueled my willingness to be teachable, to be honest with "strangers", to try again. To out myself when I see Me making excuses. 

More to the point: I'm just plain skeered to go off plan at this point! When I catch myself negotiating (out of habit, I now think, since it feels almost automatic), it shakes me up to think I could blow it that easily. 

I'd like to re-label that fear as a "healthy respect". A respect for the level of importance I need to put on STAYING on track, since I don't know how many do-overs I have left in me.

But for this day, I feel really grateful to have been given One More Chance.

Still on the journey,

Retta

APRIL 5th Back to Consistency

I read a terrific post by Chris at A Deliberate Life (HERE)   

a while back. She said a LOT of great stuff, and I highly recommend it. But the word that reached out and grabbed me the most was CONSISTENT. 

I thought of all the times in my life I've "dieted". All the "tries", all the repeated efforts, programs, methods. Fail, try, fail, try, fail, try, ad nauseam. 

If I had just picked one and been consistent, I would have been done with this thing EONS ago. 

Out of curiosity, I looked at my own blog index and found I'd written about Consistency/Consistent 85 times!!!!!!!! EIGHTY FIVE!!

It was even my "theme" for 2011... sheesh...

My first reaction was... exasperation at myself! 

My second was... sadness and embarrassment over all the wasted time.

My third was... I just shook my head, smiled sheepishly to myself, and decided to read each and every one of those posts. To see if there is anything helpful there for me. Because I still WANT to learn consistency. 

It's not a matter of "need" to. 

I WANT to.

And I hope that will make the difference.

In fact, I BELIEVE that WILL make a difference.

I want to Consistently DO, not just talk. 

Talk is cheap... it's what I DO that will make the difference.

My book quote for today:  "The true story of every person in this world is not the story you see, the external story. The true story of each person is the journey of his or her heart." --from The Sacred Romance, by Brent Curtis & John Eldredge

My verse for today: "Call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me."

My quote for today: "Consistency. Doing it day in and day out and not letting it be optional." --Chris Oursler, A Deliberate Life

Enjoy the Journey to Wellness, consistently,

Loretta

PS: As of April 2013, the Comments are turned off. 

Please enjoy just reading, no pressure to respond. 

I hope something Encourages you, or sparks Hope or interest. Or not. 

But either way, I want to continue to document my Journey to Wellness. 

The "numbers" do matter, since they are the result of Consistent good choices.

But it's not ALL about the numbers. 

We are more than that... we are whole people! 

Mar 12th A Peach Tree Named Frosty

This journey to health is not a "success only" deal. Well, at least not for me. And from what I read out there in Bloggyland, not for lots of ya'll. We have our ups and downs. But WE. KEEP. GOING.

Three years ago in my back yard we planted a little peach tree. We had such high hopes for Frosty (yes, we actually named her; and yes, she's a girl). The first year, we had 3 absolutely DIVINE peaches. No comparison whatsoever taste-wise with store bought. Heavenly!

Then, the trials started. 

My husband had worked in a peach orchard as a teen, and thought he knew "enough" to successfully do this. Uh, it was harder than we thought. 

Long story short: surprise low temps killed most of the buds one year; some bugs ate up others one year; we didn't prune correctly and lost some key branches another year... on it goes.

But we haven't given up on Frosty. While she doesn't look very lush and promising on top, under the ground her roots are growing deeper. We feed and water her, and do our best with what we know at the time. And have hope for improvement in fruit yield, this coming year.

And so it goes with this weight loss journey. 

I had done this weight loss thing SO many times in my life, I thought I knew "enough" to successfully do it this time. But yes, it was harder than I thought. I won't repeat all the set backs here... that's not the point.

The point is: I haven't given up. 

I'm working on "feeding and watering" my mind, body and spirit, and have hope that in due season, I will have some good fruit.

In the meantime, I've made mistakes; had setbacks; detours; weight regains; weight losses; then regains... sigh. I've been sorting out some "stuff", with not a lot to say here. :-}

Yes, I've been discouraged lately. But I can stay there, wallowing in self-pity. Or, I can replace those thoughts with good stuff... and choose to Believe. 

Not much else to say. I gotta just keep going.  Because some days the Fear Dogs nip at my heels, barking at me that it's too late, and I'm just fooling myself. And that's scary.

Please, God, give me what it takes to keep going, to Believe, and to succeed.

My book quote for today:  "Discouragement destroys hope... When discouragement  tries to overtake you, the first thing to do is to examine your thought life. What kinds of thoughts have you been thinking lately? ... You become what you think. Think discouraging thoughts, and you will get discouraged. Change your thinking and be set free!" --Joyce Meyer, from Love Out Loud

My verse for today: "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

My quote for today: "What is to give light must endure the burning." --Viktor Frankl

Enjoy the Journey (or at least, don't QUIT the journey til you can enjoy it again!),

Loretta

=^..^=

MAY 22nd But... I Was Doing So Well

I wrote this late Sunday night... and I've been debating if I should post it or not. Sometimes I envy those with "private" blogs. 

Then, this morning, I read my email. In there was a wonderful note from an internet friend that was so uplifting and encouraging, and I knew I had to be honest. This journey is not a success-only trip. For me, it's had it's share of stumbles, too.

I temporarily wandered off my yellow brick road... but I think I'm finding my way back now. Anyway... here goes:

But... I was doing so well. 


Famous last words, right?

Had a fascinating/painful experience... fascinating  because my Father was a police officer, then lawyer, then finally federal court judge.

Painful because my Other Half has been on vacation almost 2 weeks. The longer it went, the farther  behind I got in everything.

The pressure built.

It finally blew.  

Hurt feelings... disappointments... old wounds surfacing... old trigger buttons punched.

As I lay alone in bed sobbing my heart out to God, giving him my laundyry list of complaints, I felt met with understanding and compassion. Then, it was like a gentle voice said, "Yes, I agree with you, he DID do all those things. Yes, he WAS guilty of all you accuse him of... Now, argue for the defense."

??!

Like in a courtroom... and I had just argued the case for the prosecution, and now I was being asked by The Judge to argue for the defense.

This wasn't just some "reframing" psychobabble... it was a change of heart-view.

It was hard.

I didn't WANT to see it from any other point of view... I was the injured party here.

But I did... and though it was like pulling teeth at first, slowly I could see another side... and I could also see why it hurt me so bad.

I gave all the arguments for the defense I could think of, sort of reluctantly at first.

But at the end, the Closing Argument for the defense was: Yes, he falls short... but he's doing the best he knows how.

Um... Just. Like. Me.

Eating everything in the kitchen had not helped.

Crying my heart out had not helped.

But looking at him from another point of view... with a changed heart... with compassion and love, did help.

I no longer want to eat everything edible in Oregon, justifying it with "what's the point?"

I at least want to keep trying.

Love is a very powerful thing. A real thing... a permeating thing... a getting down to the root of stuff thing.

I'm healing.

I'm going on.

I refuse to give up.

Not exactly enjoying the journey right now... but getting better,

Loretta

Day 1009

MAR 16th The Headless Husband

Hello Journal & Friends,

Well, I gone an' dun it. I bit his head off this morning! Yep, MyGuy went to work headless. 

See, JUST LAST NIGHT I decided to memorize a verse. Yep, you know what's coming. Now folks... you don't have to be a Bible thumping Christian to benefit from the wisdom of this verse. Here she be:

Whatever is true, 

whatever is noble,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely,

whatever is admirable

-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-

think about such things.

Well OF COURSE I had my commitment tested this morning. Of course. Sigh. And I failed this first test. 

After said husband did the typical annoying Husband Stuff, I was in the kitchen fixing his two meals to take to work. I was grumbling to myself and thinking on what was NOT right, what was NOT noble, what was NOT admirable, etc etc etc. Yep.

Then it struck me what a coinkydink it was that we haven't had a fight in ages, and now it happens the morning after I decide to clean up my thinking! Just great. 

What does this have to do with weight loss? Everything!! It's my thinking that gets me into trouble. My thinking, not my circumstances, leads me down the drain. And that used to lead me to the kitchen to soothe or escape it all. That's why I thought, hey, I'll memorize this great verse, and it will magically transform me. 

Okay, so I didn't expect it to be effortless. But it still comes down to choice. I didn't have to sit there stewing in my own juices, rehearsing all his flaws. I did it because I felt hurt and justified doing it, and was feeling such the martyr! I was polishing my own halo. 

What's my point? This journey takes effort. Choices. Commitment. And if anyone thinks they will get there and not make any mistakes, they're delusional. :-D

Oh yeah... and Chris, at A Deliberate Life,  talked about me in her post on Wednesday! :-O

Okay, not really. But I saw myself in her pattern analysis. I was tired of counting those pesky little calories, and for two weeks I tried to tell myself I didn't need to. But... I do. So I'm back at it. It's a useful tool and I probably won't have to do it forever. So instead of grumbling about it, I'm working at feeling thankful to have a helpful tool.

Thanks, Chris. ;-)

My book quote for today: "I can only be defeated if I give up or die." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash The Warrior Within

My verse for today: "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love."

My quote for today: "Work each day on your thoughts rather than concentrating on your behavior. It is your thinking that creates the feeling that you have and ultimately your actions as well." --Wayne Dyer

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 942

FEB 14th Happy VD & Other Stuff

Hi Journal & Friends,

Okay, don't holler at me for the title... I know what VD stands for in medical circles! But I saw Anne use that at Carb Tripper and it cracked me up, so I shamelessly stole it! LOL! Come to think of it, she often cracks me up. :-D 

On to the Other Stuff...

I recently stumbled upon a website created by Todd Henry called the Accidental Creative, and found it fascinating. Don't have a clue how I got there, but am glad I did. 

They have free podcasts and one was an interview he did with author Michael Bungay Stanier, who wrote Do More Great Work (Here). 

Now, here's what caught my curiosity. Before I listened to the interview, I had clicked to his website to see if I was interested. There, the description of the book was TOTALLY BORING!! Ugh... yet the podcast had promised oh-so-great things.

Daredevil that I am (yeah, right) I listened anyway. Surprise! I found the interview extremely fascinating. The author was... different. And interesting, in an odd sort of way. I liked him! (Here is the podcast interview) 

He got on to the topic of "failure", and how we perceive it. And he went on to say he regularly meditates, and that "I regularly fail to meditate with any capacity whatsoever..." He explained that he found it difficult to focus, and yet he didn't see this as a negative. He just accepted that he was learning, refocused his breathing and went on. 

I loved his relaxed attitude. He was not threatened by a "perceived" failure. He talked about having the willingness to come back to whatever it is we are trying to learn, and to just go on. To be willing to be resilient. 

This goes along with what I've been thinking lately... about not being afraid of failure. To not hold back, but to leap out there, to dare, to live and be bold.

To try things, and see what does and does not work. To experiment and play and explore.

Just last night I watched a short youtube video interview with Maurice Sendak, the author/illustrator of Where The Wild Things Are. I didn't know he was so... crusty! And opinionated, thoughtful, outspoken, feisty, and bold. 

And he said something that most creative people can identify with... in fact, anyone who is standing on a cliff edge, wondering if they dare take that leap of faith and try something new. It doesn't matter if it's in a creative area, or a new plan to health and fitness... I think the principle holds true:

"Artists have to take a dive, and either you hit your head on a rock and you split your skull and you die... OR... that blow to the head is so inspiring that you come up and do the best work that you ever did. BUT... you have to take the dive, and you do not know what the results will be."

There's that message again... boldness. Living fearlessy and boldly. Take the dive, take the risk.

Right now I'm involved with some art projects I've never done before, and sometimes when I "think" too much, I start to say "but I'm in over my head". So... I don't think about that. :-D 

Instead I'm gonna remember what Maurice Sendak said, and take that leap of faith!

From Dr Phil's book: "Be willing to get out of your comfort zone and require more of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and behaviorally."

My verse for today: "Be exalted, O Lord, in your strength; we will sing and praise your might."

My quote for today: "Let the wild rumpus start!" --Maurice Sendak, Where The Wild Things Are

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 911

DAY 518 Working Stuff Out

Hi Journal & Friends,

Late getting this written... back from another doctors' appointment, where I got the go ahead for more minor surgery on my hands... right one this time... next Thursday. Yippee, more fun.  But the good news is, he said of the 12 cysts on my hands, most of them probably will NOT need surgery. Scar tissue from being infected and cut open to drain will sometimes destroy the cyst capsule, and it can't get infected any more. Therefore, no need to bother with it. Yay to that!

In other news... been having a hard couple of days. Painful, emotionally speaking. Don't really feel up to explaining it all... I'm still working it out. 

Bottomline, when I faced--REALLY faced--how I felt about turning 60 on Saturday... I was crushed that I was STILL fat... that I am still not there. It's a long story... but this has gutted me. 

I'm finally past the insane screaming in my head to run away and stuff my face... I didn't, but I wanted to soooooooooooooooo badly. 

Instead, I finally decided that I might as well face it. I knew "something" has been bugging me,  but I didn't want to explore it. 

But... it wasn't going away... come on, Loretta, it's not going to kill you to face it... you've been running from emotional pain all your life and where has THAT got you... just sit with it awhile... you'll survive... go ahead and feel it... cry... listen... cry some more... listen to all the thoughts... you don't have to agree with them... you don't have to "adopt" them as your truth... be honest and admit which of them are ALREADY your personal truth and are the culprits as to why you are reeling over this... you've asked God for help... now listen and watch for an answer... cry some more... listen some more...

And whaddaya know... it took awhile, but I actually, eventually, got some answers, some insights. And it didn't kill me to NOT comfort myself with food. I'll talk more tomorrow when I don't feel so exhausted over this. 

Here is one of the things, a mini-movie, that helped to open my heart and thinking, to remember that what I believe as my own Personal Truth will shape my life, my world. 

And if I will just be open to letting go of the past and it's regrets, that there can be good to come... to be open to new possibilities. But I can't reach my hands FORWARD to take hold of my future when I am still reaching BACKWARDS, holding on to regrets and "what might have been". I want to Let It Go...

It's long... a whole 20 minutes out of my entire life...oh dear... ;-)

It was a powerful, beautiful and touching little mini-movie, that brought my racing mind back to a place of calm, and helped me tell myself NO, I will not go eat... just sit here and watch, there is something for you in here... look for it.

And there it was.

Here is a quote from The Butterfly Circus 

that touched me deeply, seeing as how it found me at this low point:

"The greater the struggle, 

the more glorious the triumph."

If you need "help", I highly recommend taking 20 minutes out of your busy life, and click on this link, taking you to the mini-movie "The Butterfly Circus". You'll be glad you did, I promise you.

From Dr Phil's book: "This personal truth as it relates to your weight, and indeed to your entire life, is vitally important, because if you believe it, if it is real to you, then it is for you the precise reality you will live every day."

My verse for today: "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry."

My quote for today: "Do all you can with what you have, in the time you have, in the place you are." --Nkosi Johnson, South African boy, died of AIDS (1989 - 2001)

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 298 And Now For Some Self-Honesty

Hello to my Journal & Friends,

Yesterday I took off from being all serious and just had some fun. Today, it's time for some self-honesty. So, I'm going to just dive right in!

I feel like I've been getting lazy and sloppy on my journey... getting too comfortable. A little bite here, a little less exercise there. Not requiring enough of myself. Not holding to a higher standard. 

It all came home to roost last night, when I stayed up too late, got hungry and wanted to eat. And I did... knowing full well it put me over my calorie budget by 400 calories.

That's when it hit me hard, that if I didn't put a stop to this now, I was opening the door for all my old habits to take over... to start growing up like weeds and choking out my new life. 

Since getting over all the illnesses from the winter season, I have not stepped up to the plate, giving it 100%. I have allowed excuses to creep in. I need to go back to the basics and get with the program again! 

I recently read a post from Sean Anderson that stirred me up and made me face myself (HERE).  In it he said: 

"If it's ever going to change, 

we have to accept the challenge 

and rise above our circumstance."

I remember once hearing a sermon on Going Back to the Basics. The preacher guy had been a baseball player in the minor leagues. He explained that whenever coaches saw a player in a slump and struggling, the first thing they did was go back to the basics. 

They checked his form, his grip, his swing, his stance, his throw... all the basics. Many times the problem was simply that sloppy or lazy habits had crept in!

I feel that's me. So, back to the basics for me. Simple, plain, nothing exciting or new.

-1600 calories per day. Non-negotiable. Period.

-Do my planned exercise for the day. Non-negotiable. Period.

-Do my spiritual/mental/emotional input for the day. Non-negotiable. Period.

That's it. Back to the basics. Not skating by or phoning it in... but doing it with all my heart.

Half-hearted efforts will yield half-hearted results. And that is not what I want. 

I want to live fully, boldly and with joy each day. I want to rise above my circumstance and live NOW. 

From Dr Phil's book: "Get real with yourself."

My verse for today: "Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song."

My quote for today: "From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached."  --Franz Kafka