JUNE 14th Strawberries, Sharks & Tears of Joy

Hello Journal & Friends,

For some of you, being told you needed a Size 3X dress would bring on tears of horror!! 

But for me... I had tears of joy. Yesterday was Jim's day off, and we went shopping and goofing off together. I got all dressed up and tried on a new lavendar dress, to see if it fit yet. YES!! It was a 3X. 

I've been buying clothing occasionally on clearance, but always in sizes too small for me yet. And I got this one a couple of months ago. It's been 26 YEARS since I've been able to wear a 3X!! When I was 460 pounds, I could barely squeeze into the largest 6X's that the Lane Bryant catalog sold. So... this is extremely encouraging to me.

While we were at WalMart, I spurged on some silly party plates to eat my lunches on.

For lunch today Tinkerbell and I had a small piece of the sugar free pie we also bought there.

And we couldn't forget Joey! Here is her new squeaky toy, which she loves:

We also picked strawberries yesterday...our barrel planter is overflowing with ripe strawberries, finally. Yay!

You know how you work hard, and wait, and expect results from your efforts...yet sometimes those results are not always exactly what you expected?? Hmmmm...

It's been a whole month since I started my Secret September Challenge. Wow... and we have both benefited so much! We've hit and overcome that "wall", where the honeymoon phase is over and the routine sets in. 

We've discovered some weaknesses we each need to work on, and I've had some new realizations that I think are going to help me go forward and make progress.

One of them is that my perceptions are skewed. REALLY SKEWED. Remember, I started up there pretty high, at 460 pounds. And when you are that overweight so long, I think it messes with your head... at least it did for me. 

What *I* think is normal, is not. 

What *I* perceive as bigger or smaller, is not.

What *I* feel is more or is less, is not the same as other people.

A perfect example: my new lavendar dress. I am sooo excited to be "down" to a 3X. Yet most of you would be aghast if you found yourself in a 3X. It's all in the perceptions. 

And... I think that's been working against me. 

Both my Secret Challenge partner and I have been having trouble ratcheting down the calories. And I finally realized just recently it's because, TO ME, the 1600 I was aiming for SEEMED VERY SMALL. But that was because I was--without realizing it--comparing it to what I USED to eat.

What I USED to eat was abnormal, not normal. Okay... intellectually, that's obvious. But I'm talking here about feelings... senses... perceptions... emotional reactions, whatever you call it.

I was using an ABNORMAL YARDSTICK as my comparison. I need to change my perceptions. To compare to a healthy, normal, moderate amount. 

I have the same trouble with portion sizes. A "normal" portion seems mighty tiny when I am hungry!! Yet invariably afterwards I am satisfied. But beforehand, it didn't "look" like very much. Again, I was comparing to the amounts I USED to eat. Skewed perceptions.

I know this will take time... to get so used to a new thing that it becomes my New Normal. But that's what I'm working on. Visualizing, accepting, enjoying, embracing and celebrating a Healthy New Normal. 

From Dr Phil's book: "Having specific, carefully mapped out, vividly envisioned goals is an absolute requirement for success."

My verse for today: "...put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love."

My quote for today: "If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell." --Lance Armstrong

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 669

DAY 403 Choosing to See the Rainbow In the Midst of the Storm

Good morning, Journal & Friends!

Instead of whining yet again today about not being able to post pictures, hows about I make this a THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT post??

My world has been rocked lately with all this stuff about MyGuy's job being up in the air... which rocks our financial world, which rocks our future. 

(Insert amusing and/or nostalgic photo of an adorable toddler on a rocking horse... can you see it?)

But at the same time the tough stuff is going on, there are also GOOD things, if I will SEE them... have eyes to see, and a heart of gratitude. I am really working on that. And you know what? I found some stuff. :-)

(Now insert a goofy happy kitty face here... got it?? See? You have quite the imagination)

Okay, in no particular order:

**MyGuy has been having chest pains for over 2 months. The results of his Stress Test came in last week: he passed with flying colors. Not only that, they said for his age (61) he has "above average exercise capacity". His heart is fine!

(Insert svelte gorgeous woman jumping up and clicking her heels in joy shouting Yeehaw!)

**At the beginning of last year, my blood pressure was known to climb up as high as 170's over the high 90's. 

NOW, at the last doctors visit recently, it was 129/72.

**For years whenever I wore shoes with a strap that went around my heels, I had to ask Jim to pull it into place. 

NOW, I can reach to do it myself.

**I used to need at least 3 hours to shower and get ready to go somewhere, and by then I was exhausted and wished I could just go back to bed. 

NOW, I can get totally ready in 2 hours, and still feel spunky and ready to go.

**I have areas on the bottom of my feet that need "grinding" occasionally... you know, the hard callouses that build up and become sore to walk on. Jim had to work on them for me in the past. 

NOW, I can reach to do it myself.

(Insert picture of little kid with dirty smudged face, proudly saying "I do it myself!")

**At my highest weight of 460, I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea, and had to use a machine at night to keep me breathing while I slept. The setting was a high 14.

NOW, they recently re-tested me and I was able to reduce the pressure of the air blowing into my nose from the tubing to a more comfortable 7. The lowest setting on the machines is 4, so in time I am very hopeful I will be able to totally be OFF that machine!!

(Insert celebratory fireworks bursting into a midnight blue sky... can you hear them going off??)

Even when things are whirling around fast and confusing... if I can just slow down long enough to tune in, I can find things for which to feel thankful. And for THAT, I am thankful. ;-)

Today's Peek at the Past (This was so perfect for what is going on in my life right now, I just gasped! It was from 1 year and 1 day ago.)

From Day 41, September 19, 2009:

"Imagine if those

 with the hardest thing to overcome

 were actually the most blessed"

To have that perspective BEFORE I got to goal, I would have to include things like:

• Gratitude, for all I am learning along the way
• Hope, for a positive outcome
• Trust, that it will work out for my ultimate benefit
• Determination, to reach that goal in spite of obstacles
• Imagination, to see into the future a victorious outcome
• Courage, to plunge ahead into an unknown future, but knowing it contains rewards for my efforts

(For complete post "A Can Opener for the Mind" click HERE) 

From Dr Phil's book: "You must never relax your watchfulness over your thoughts, feelings, and actions."

My verse for today: "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You."

My quote for today: A Native American elder explained their tradition in which they believe we all have within us a "Good Dog" and a "Bad Dog", that will always be fighting to be in control. When asked which one wins, he simply replied: "The one that you feed."

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 108 Mirror Mirror

Hi Journal,


Yesterday as I was standing briefly in front of the bathroom mirror, running a comb thru my hair, I was startled as I focused on my face. I did a double take.. I actually really truly recognized the beginings of a change to the shape of my face...it wasn't just a round ball. 

I cried.

It was real. I could actually SEE the beginnings of change, finally. This was so encouraging. It has nothing to do with vanity (at least not THIS time, lol). In fact, as I lose the "padding" under the skin of my face, I am looking more my age, due to the wrinkles becoming more pronounced.

No, it had to do with reality. Being able to SEE the change transports it from the hazy realm of hopes and wishes and trying and dreaming and praying to REALITY. NOW. RIGHT NOW.

Can ya tell I am excited about that?? hee hee hee hee hee.

Grinning from ear to ear here. Another thing to put on My Lists. :-)

From Dr Phil's book: "Continue to press on with an optimistic spirit."

My verse for today: "Give thanks in all circumstances."

My quote for today: "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live

long enough to make them all yourself." --Eleanor Roosevelt

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 97 Another Mini-List

Hello there Journal,

I think today I want to focus on something fun... and what is more fun than celebrating how life is getting better an' better as I am getting smaller an' smaller. :-D

Since my journey has been a slow one, I don't have a lot to put onto a list. In the past, I mentioned my improved blood work, and the clothes that I had stashed away in my closet that I tried on to wear for the Awards Banquet, which were almost too big. 

Since then I have been paying more attention, looking for changes. So, today here is another Mini-List:

1.  I now do not need to take Lasix daily (for water retention), but about once a week or as needed. This was a symptom of CHF (congestive heart failure), but with the weight loss, it is improving.

2.  I have had a decrease in pain levels, and have been delighted to be able to cut my pain meds in HALF. I feel more awake, less drugged, more energetic. :-)

3.  I can now JUST reach my heels with my fingertips... which means that after a shower I can put moisterizer on my dry, cracked heels... something I haven't been able to do in about 15 years!

4.  I recently pulled out my warm winter robe from last year... and it was QUITE a bit looser. 

5.  About 4 years ago I bought a pretty rose colored sweater (online purcase from Lane Bryant, so couldn't try it on first). I couldn't wear it because the arms were too tight, and the rest barely fit. I saved it, thinking that someday I would be able to wear it. Well, SOMEDAY HAS ARRIVED! I dug it out from the back of the closet and tried it on... and was astounded at how loosely it fit!! I could even comfortably button it if I so chose! LOL! I have been stubborn about buying new clothes, wanting to lose at least some weight first. My "everyday" sweater has gotten old and raggedy, so this is like a pretty reward for making progress. 

Yay!!

That's it for my newest mini-list. :-D

From Dr Phil's book: "Be willing to get out of your comfort zone and require more of yourself."

My Verse for today: "The Lord gives strength to his people."

My quote for today: "Self-pity is our worst enemy."--Helen Keller

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 74 Cinderella Getting Ready For The Ball

Hello Journal,

One of the blogs that I enjoy visiting is by Zaababy, The Incredible Shrinking Woman (here). She occasionally makes a list sharing how things are different for her now. I love reading her lists...they help me dream of the day when I will have things to put in my own list.

Well, yesterday I finally got something to put on a list! It will be a Mini-List, since it is only one thing...but it was so much fun to ME, that I want to record it. So here it is, my itsy bitsy First Mini-List: 

I tried on the clothes that I am wearing to this Friday night's Banquet Award, where my husband will receive his 20 Year Pin from work....

AND MY CLOTHES WERE ALMOST TOO BIG!!!!

Today is our 32nd Wedding Anniversary, so this is a fun surprise, like a gift to me. :-)

I have saved this outfit for over 7 years, just in hopes that someday they would fit, because I thought they were so cute. They have never even been worn...still like new. The skirt is a light blue jeans skirt, and the top a peasant blouse with embroidery at the throat and cuffs. I was worried that the skirt, non-stretchy, would be tight and I would feel uncomfortable....and that the blouse would be tight and I would feel like 10 pounds in a 5 pound bag!  But, if it were not for my extra large upper arms, the blouse would be a size too large...I really was shocked! And delighted...and elated...and giddy...and could hardly believe it! Clothes TOO BIG on ME???!!! That NEVER happens to me. It is a NEW thing. And I could get used to it...LOL!! Gimme more, gimme more. ;-)

I don't know why it took this kind of experience for me to feel like it is REAL...that I really have made progress. Numbers are sort of intangible to me...I recognize them intellectually, but they just don't reach my emotions the same way as this did. But to put on clothing, and feel it against you, and it feels LOOSE...this was my first experience of this happening on my journey. 

When you are over 400 lbs, you just don't buy things that are fitted...cuz they won't FIT! You must allow for jiggle room, squish room...so you buy stuff that stretches, and has elastic...not because you LIKE it, but because you MUST. You buy whatever you can find in your size, not because it is YOU.

I totally look forward to being able to buy clothing that is the Real Me. And to be honest, I am not even too sure how that will look yet. But it sure will be fun finding out!

From Dr Phil's book: "Require more of yourself."

My verse for today: "For God does speak--now one way, now another."

My quote for today: "Know, first, who you are; and then adorn yourself accordingly."--Epictetus

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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