Nov 10th Surgery All Over.... NOT!!!

Hi guys. I’m alive and kicking. But struggling to have a good attitude. It has been a grueling 3 days, and an emotional roller coaster. Honestly, I just want to cry.

My surgery was canceled. I am home now. I was ON THE OPERATING TABLE, they were getting to put me under. I was all set to either wake up to see the face of Jesus, or wake up to see my Sweetie’s face. Either way would have been a good thing.

Then, I went into AFib. That is a heart on overdrive, like a runaway train. It hit 170 before they got meds into me; brought down to the 130’s, then 120’s, but wouldn’t go lower.

They did an ekg, tried sedatives, etc etc. Wouldn’t budge for hours. Obviously, the operation was canceled. I was sent home to take meds and “get better”. Come back when it’s “safer”.

Well gee… it’s not like this is elective cosmetic surgery!! It's for cancer. Which is progressive!!

I’ve been all over the map emotionally; mostly down. I thought this “diet” was over. I thought the surgery would be over. I thought the pressure to perform, weight wise, was over. 

I was so confused, frustrated, angry and depressed. The anger, which I had to face that I had, was because of all the mistakes that were made. Like… my records from THREE different docs down here were never faxed up north, and it took hours to find them. The cardiologist who saw me after the event never bothered to look at my medical records, and prescribed a med for me that would have been harmful to me. Duh! I had to catch it myself, and call my regular provider once I was home to get it changed.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the screw ups. Suffice to say, this "good little girl" actually does NOT feel bad for having anger over the mess ups. That is one positive. 

But the bottomline… I feel exhausted. Emotionally, physically, even spiritually. I need me some serious Recovery time. As in extended vacation time. From life. From stress. From disappointments. 

I called my Pastor this evening, and since he himself went thru cancer surgery last year, he understood the situation. Basically, he said I may never know WHY my surgery was “interupped” at the last minute. But I am to focus on the positives. And that is this: if the AFib had hit DURING surgery, the doctors had said I would either be dead, or had a stroke or heart attack. 

Period. 

This is real life. This is how it is. At one point, I even felt like saying "Oh screw it", and just eat and eat and eat and eat....

As I looked at the vending machine full of candy at the hospital (!!) I said to my hubby "Oh, I'd give anything for some M&M's!!

And he asked: "Even your life?"

Riiiggghhhtttt. I quickly moved myself far away from said vending machine.

So... the journey to wellness continues. Life goes on. And I want to regain an attitude of gratitude. Not there yet... but it's getting closer.

Life is precious. Life is short. Love one another.

Retta

March 28th Breaking the Chains of Fear

Been spending most of my time over at my art blog and creating a new website. 

Thinking.

Learning.

Pondering.

Questioning.

And listening for the answers.

After hearing a song called "No Longer Slaves" a few zillion times, I decided to actually believe the message.

"I'm no longer a slave to fear, 

I am a child of God."

Link for those interested: song on youtube

Fear? Me? naw.... yeah, right.

I've spent years at this health/weight loss blog. Writing, looking for answers. Reading and researching. Trying to learn. I found some things that worked for me, as long as I worked at them consistently.

Yet it never seemed to permanently take root. I had to constantly focus on it. It felt like it sucked all my time and energy. When was it going to be permanent?? 

I knew most the mechanics of it, this "losing weight thing". So... I decided to put it on auto-pilot. And I spent my best energy over at my art. And waited. 

I floundered around awhile. Gained some. Lost some (thankfully, I'm on the losing end of that now). I tried to just do the basics I knew, and focus on the thing I felt I was here to do: to do something, anything, in art. 

To make something, anything, that might be a blessing to someone else. To bring a smile, to enrich or add value to someones life.

Oh, and those fears?? Well, let's see...

Fear of sounding pompous or self-important by wanting to make art that would actually be a blessing to someone.

Fear of putting it out there, to be accepted or rejected.

Fear of being judged in the art world, the way I've been judged in the "weight loss" world.

Fear of trying and failing, of never making art in the real world the way it looks in my imagination.

Fear that it really IS too late.

Fear of going against the mainstream of what is "popular" in art circles nowadays.

And how's this one: fear that some will think this post is a clever marketing trick to get ya'll to go visit my new art site. 

Anyway, I decided it's time to let the fears go, the best I can. Let go of all the fears that kept me for YEARS from making a serious art website where I sell my art. 

To let go of the fear of mentioning it, because I was afraid people would think I was using them... trolling for customers. All that squirrelly thinking that held me back.

And now that I actually DID take action, I am more at peace and happier with myself, and finding it not "quite" so hard to do those healthy basics I mentioned earlier.

I suspect I will need to work on eating healthy more than the average bear for the rest of my life. But...  now that my focus is on something that brings me joy and a reason to get up in the morning, methinks it won't be such a grind. Well, I can hope! 

:-D

I encourage anyone, everyone who is on this quest to get healthy to find YOUR path. Your own answers. Never give up looking. 

And find your passion, the thing that lights you up inside. That gives you a feeling of purpose. For too long I put that aside, thinking I had to have this weight loss thing all squared away before I could really pursue my dreams. WAY too long. As in, years. 

Learn from my mistakes, and live your best life NOW. Live on purpose NOW. :-)

Enjoy the journey (not just the destination),

Retta

APRIL 6th Our Video Is Here!

Hello Journal & Friends,

I'm excited! It's here... the long anticipated video made especially for us by Coach Dayne, from Coach Your Mind! 

On January 1st of this year, I took a Poll (Here), asking what YOU all would like to see included in his video. Coach Dayne teaches on having a winning mindset, on choosing to be the 1%.. that minority of people who decide that failure, mediocrity and defeatist attitude are not what they want. Who are willing to do the work, to be teachable, and to never ever quit. To believe their goals are possible... thus making it probable that they WILL achieve them. It's for those who decide they are not willing to settle for less any more! 

Does that describe you??

I'm making the choice that it DOES describe me. I'm not going by feelings, I'm choosing it. I. want. it. 

Well, Coach Dayne read your answers to the poll, and we now have the video! Before I give the link to the video (I'm having problems with blogspot letting me embed videos, thus the need for a link) I wanted to let you in on something else Coach Dayne is up to: he's now posting short audio talks on Soundcloud, which also appear on Facebook. If you sign up, Soundcloud will notify you when a new audio is available. 

The audios are short and to the point, and I'm loving them. I already saw one thing I was NOT doing right in visualizing my goals... and that's only after listening to two! Here is the link to Coach Dayne's Soundcloud page.  

Okay, drumroll... here's the long awaited:

 VIDEO ON YOUTUBE link. 

I already took a peek at it, and I am so jazzed! I heard something clearly this time I had been fuzzy on before, and that's exciting to me. 

Need a reason to watch the video? Here's my short summary:

--talks about keys to keeping the kind of powerful motivation that will bust through barriers

--how to super-charge your motivation so it sustains you

--describes the kind of "WHY" needed and what to attach to it in order to make it powerful and solid, so nothing will stop you

--how to separate from the "average" and achieve your goals, to become the 1%

Thank you, Coach Dayne. I appreciate this greatly.

My book quote for today: "What is it like, they ask me, to commit every fiber, every molecule of being, to completing a goal? How do you train yourself to not ever consider the option of quitting under the most stressful situations?" --Richard Machowicz, Unleash the Warrior Within

My verse for today: "I will sing praise to my God as long as I live."

My quote for today: "You control virtually every aspect of this journey." --Jack, at Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit 

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 963

JAN 24th Toon Tuesday, A Freebie & Playing With Fire

Hi there Journal & Friends,

With the shiny new year of 2012, I am shifting some of my emphasis to what I want: my art, and to live my life to the fullest, becoming who I was meant to be, living with passion and purpose. 

That's why I'm working, afterall, to lose weight and regain health. That's my WHY. I want to focus on that, on what I WANT, not focus on what I do NOT want. To look forward, not backward. 

I was reminded recently that our brain can't tell the difference between a negative or a positive. For instance, think of a pink elephant.

Now... do NOT think of the pink elephant. I don't know about you, but every time I close my eyes and say "do NOT think of a pink elephant"... I DO! This silly example helps to remind me not to focus on "I don't want to be fat"...but rather... "I want to be healthy, strong and lighter". 

So... on to focus on what I DO want. :-D

For my birthday, my sister Karen sent me a birthday card with this quote: 

"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." --Albert Schweitzer

Today for Toon Tuesday, I want to offer a VLOG showing--in speed drawing mode--my doodle of Word Bubble #1. It will be blank in the middle, and I offer the finished doodle below as a free download to anyone who would like to play along. You get to pick your own inspiring word to add to the center. 

By the way, I kinda sorta goofed, and didn't leave a very large word bubble in the middle. Sorry 'bout dat. Next time I'll make the blank space bigger. :-}

Here's the finished blank for you to download. Be sure to click and enlarge, so you download the large file, not the thumbnail.

 I'm going to dink around this coming week and color mine. You are welcome to do whatever you want to yours... color it, change it, glitter it, alter it, collage it, whatever. And next Tuesday it would so fun if you came back and gave a link to your blog to share your results, if you're comfortable doing so. 

Only one rule: Have fun! Remember when we were kids and not worried about "being good"? So give yourself permission to just goof around and play, okay?  :-D

Remember the above quote from my sister Karen? The inspiring word I added to my word bubble is FIRE!

This is a first for me, drawing with a camera watching. In INK! No pencil, no eraser. No plan, other than to leave a word bubble in the middle. New year... new adventures!

Speed Doodling - Word Bubble #1 by Retta

(For an easier to see larger version, just

go to my YouTube Page HERE)

For you busybees who don't have 6 min to watch (or maybe you're at work) that's okay, just swipe a copy of the doodle and play along anyway. :-)

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 890

SEPT 1st Living Life NOW & A Knowing

Hi Journal & Friends,


Is it the first of September already?! August went by so fast... weigh in time: 335. That's up 2 pounds from last month. And... I am feeling happy, strong and encouraged.

Say what?? Loretta, are you delusional... in denial... not facing reality... playing ostrich... not being honest??? 

No...(well, at least I don't THINK so, LOL), it's just that during my Blogcation, I did a lot of thinking and evaluating. And decided to get back to my roots. To what worked before I started trying to copy others that I was reading, following, admiring... and forgot that what THEY were doing was great for THEM. But not necessarily for ME. 

I'm glad we can learn from each other... but I need to remember this is MY journey, and not get side-tracked. Not feel like I am wrong if what I'm doing is different. And not worry about fitting in, or being accepted or even understood. And not to compare me with them... to do what works for me. 

And what is that??? 

Keep my eyes on the prize... don't get stuck looking backward, repeatedly chasing my tail.

Remember WHY I am doing this... my reasons for being, for wanting health, my purpose and passions.

All this stuff I'm talking about is for ME only... it's where *I* am on this journey. I was put on my first diet at about 10 years old!!! Meaning... I've been at this for a loooonnngggg time. I've spent years digging down, uncovering issues and putting them to rest. Coming to terms with being like an "addict" with food. Accepting that I am responsible for where I'm at here, now. And also learning that's GOOD news, because it means I can change it by changing my choices.

And... coming to peace with my imperfections, and the fact that I often fall flat on my face, in spite of my best efforts, in spite of "saying" all the right things.

But... I have learned, absolutely, totally, 100%, that the secret to making it is to Never Quit. To stop looking back all the time over my shoulder, wallowing in my temporary defeats, but to go forward. Learn from it, yes. But to go forward. I'm not talking about never quitting blogging... I'm talking never quitting going towards my goals. I'm talking about doing it... the actions, not just the talking about the actions.

You know the old saying about being careful to not believe our own hype?? Well, last night as I drifted off to sleep thinking of all this... the thought struck me that it's also dangerous to believe my own "labels"... my own moanings, groanings, fallings and stumblings, struggles. 

What I mean by that is... just because I lose one little skirmish along the way, it doesn't mean I've lost the war. For ME (not saying this is for anyone else still working all this out in their head) I am no longer accepting the label of addict, or compulsive overeater, or any other label du jour. I don't mind "recovering" whatever. But labels are powerful. And I am no longer claiming one... 

Except that of overcomer! 

Other words/labels that I'm willing to claim are all going to be healthy and positive... and if that galls you, and you think that's not "honest" or true, or it's Pollyanna thinking, then you don't understand me. Or you skimmed this in a hurry, and missed the part where I emphasized that this is for ME, where I am at personally.

I am not ignoring reality at all... I choose to learn from it and go ON. I am simply claiming I have a choice as to what direction I want to go in! I am choosing who I want to be! 

I simply do not accept it is impossible to change. I believe God when He said "with God all things are possible." He's my Source, my Rock and my reason as to why I can Know and Trust these things.

My point is I can CHOOSE my focus...

Backward or forward.

Discouraged or try again.

Depressed or hopeful.

Fearful or willing to take heart.

Focusing on my weaknesses, or remembering my strengths! 

And... I do have a few strengths. We all do, even when we don't feel them.

I've been up and down these last few weeks, finding my footing again. At the first part of the month, I ate enough calories to send me up the scale about 6 pounds... and now I'm on my way back down. I'm not doing "perfect"... never will. But I am being more consistent, and finally hitting my stride. Feeling more peaceful and hopeful. And knowing...

Knowing. 

Knowing I am on the right track.

Knowing I will get there... not sure when, but I will.

Knowing it's alright to "have a life" and not be consumed with weight loss.

To LIVE my life now, instead of wishing and hoping for it someday. Yeah... I haven't blogged as much lately. And it kind of annoyed me when one commentor (forget where I read this) assumed it was a negative when people blogged less or took a blog vacation, as if actually LIVING a life instead of writing about a life was wrong. Well, DUH! Isn't that what we all want?? To get healthy so we can live our lives to the fullest???? 

The answer for me is Yes. That is why I'm here in the first place. Why I started recording my journey here in the beginning. And I'm going back to that... to the Forward Focus even as I live NOW. And I'm feeling good about it. :-)

Here is an excerpt from something written by Ralph Marston, which means a lot to me:

Whatever happened on the previous attempt doesn't matter 

anymore. 

What matters is what you do now.

Though you may have failed once, or numerous times, or a 

thousand times, 

that has no bearing on what you're able to 

do now. 

In fact, each failed attempt brings you closer to 

success.

By discovering what does not work, 

you have more information 

to help you know what does work....

Effort is never wasted...

Now is the time to make use of all that strength and 

experience. 

Now is the time to push forward...

I have Mr Marston's Mini Daily Motivator in my sidebar, if you are interested in more.

I am thankful for a lot of sources of inspiration that helped to solidy these ideas in my head... one of them is a terrific post by Coach Dayne at Coach Your Mind.  A real eye-opener, it was. :-) 

Edited to add: Deb left a wonderfully helpful comment, so let me just say this:  the kinds of labels I'm referring to have to do with the mental aspects of this journey... not medical things we deal with. Hope that helps clarify. :-)

From Dr Phil's book: "What is true about you in your mind, you will live."

My verse for today: "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

My quote for today: "If you look at the world, you'll be distressed. If you look within, you'll be depressed. If you look at God, you'll be at rest." --Corrie Ten Boom, survivor of Ravensbrook Concentration Camp during WWII, author of The Hiding Place

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 746

PS: Not trying to hide my weight ticker, I just can't seem to get it to work... will have to make a new one soon.


PPS: Sorry if this is all hard to read, with weird spacing and all... Blogger is acting all stupid today, and it took me several tries just to get this to post at all. :-O