Aug 31st A Turning Point & Why I Was Wrong

Sorry in advance this will be long. It feels like I’ve turned a corner, and I want to get it down here.

I’m 65 years young. Put on my first diet at age 10. Fought this wt thing all my dang life.

(can click to enlarge)

I tried to do everything “they” told me to do. Spent thousands over the years, including going into debt from a hospital based Dr/nutritionist program in the 80’s. Liquid fast of 400 calories a day. Ended up in hospital with mini-stroke and gallstone attack. You get the idea. Only reason I never did wt loss surgery was my insurance refused to cover it. 

I believe “they” meant well. Most just gave some form of “eat less, move more” advice. But nothing worked for this food addict. I finally discovered, that FOR ME, I needed to let go of sugar. I went low carb and sugar free several years ago, which finally released me from the physical food cravings.

Yet… the emotional part was still there. A lifetime of using food to “mood shift”, to try to fix feelings. That ingrained habit persisted.

Over the years I’ve tried about every book/CD/video/course out there. Secular, Christian, psychology, behavior modification, power of positive thinking with all it’s various offshoots. Private counseling, various alternative herbal, alternative therapies. Investigated rational emotive therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and some I can’t even spell.  

I still think there is merit in some of that. But…

I think now, I was wrong. For some issues, all that is great. For this food addict… it didn’t work. Believe me, I sincerely tried. I wasn’t playing around. I would plunge in and give it my all, with high hopes. Only to be painfully disappointed when I eventually crashed once more.

Through the private support and accountability group A Better Weigh, I was introduce to the little free e-book from Dr Marty Lerner. He has run an in-patient addiction recovery clinic for many years, and knows a few things. I’ve been studying his book for weeks. I had to be teachable, since a lot of what he says is the opposite of other stuff I’ve read! Yet as I read, then re-read, thought about it, prayed about it… I finally understood some of it.

Thank you, Dr Lerner, for showing me why I was wrong. Why I had the “cart before the horse”. I sincerely believed what “they” all said: Change your thinking, change your life. That was the whole premise of my former approach. I mean, all the big name writers/teachers said so, each in their own way. 

Yet, for the food addict… there it is again. For the addict, Dr Lerner says that approach doesn’t work, in his years of experience.

And he explains why that is BACKWARDS for the addict. His approach finally, finally has penetrated this hard head. In a nutshell, he says to obtain recovery from an addiction (in my case, using food as my drug of choice) one must DO the right thing regardless of how one feels. In his words:

“Recovery is about transcending our  need to fix how we feel and doing the next right thing no matter what we’re feeling.”

“The cart is placed before the horse when we get it backwards by insisting we fix our feelings first. Believing our feelings and thoughts must be changed before we’re able to change our behavior can be a very costly mistake.”

I still believe in the truths about the power of our words; of what we choose to consistently think upon… all that. But thanks to Dr Lerners explanations, I can see that for this food addict to obtained and KEEP recovery, the answer lies first in the DOING, regardless of feelings. AFTER recovery is when those therapies have merit. I had the cart before the horse.

Feeling very thankful today. 

If you would like to read Dr Lerner’s e-book, he is generously offering it free online HERE. Just put in your first name and email addy, and they will send you the link. Truly, it’s life changing.

Still on the Journey,

Retta

JUNE 17th Ups n Downs, But Never Give Up

It's been a long time since I've been so overwhelmed with temptation that I took something out of the garbage and ate it. 

Oh... you've never done that?? Then you don't understand true food addiction. Addiction to the way eating something can make you feel. 

The temporary lift 

The temporary escape 

The temporary hit to the pleasure center in the brain

I didn't do it this time, but the urge was powerful and I came close. Too close.

You see I, myself, opened the door to be set up for it. A relative came into town and brought dinner. Included was some "crack cocaine"... aka... fresh baguette bread. 

I had two responses: red flag warning, since in my past I have literally eaten a whole loaf with a stick of butter over the course of one day. And... rationalization. Telling myself it's no big deal, it's family, it's a special occasion, I'll just have a little and be done with it. 

Uh huh. Yep. That's the worst kind of lie, the kind we tell ourself. 

For some people, they could handle "a little bit". But I know my history. And I never should have listened to the lie.

After they left, I had "just one more slice". Then another. Then another... MyGuy came home and caught me having "just one slice". I didn't explain it was just one AFTER ten other "just ones".  In other word, I lied by omission. Sigh... that's a classic sign of an addict hiding their behavior, right??

So, I made sure he saw me throw the rest of the loaf, in it's bag, into the trash can. As if I was oh-so-in-control. Riiiggghhtttt...

The next day I was under more stress from other issues, and was hit with the image of that baguette bread, in the trash but "protected" by it's plastic bag. And for a fleeting second I seriously considered pulling it out and eating it.

I was aghast at myself! I was disgusted, disappointed, and embarrassed that I actually considered doing that.

After all these years. After all those pounds lost so far. And I'm STILL even entertaining doing something like that??!!!!!

Even now, it makes me cry. I wonder if I have changed at all. I wonder if I am just following a "program", yet inside there is no true change.

I once wrote a post (HERE) trying to articulate the differences, as I saw it, in the weight loss experiences of a "smaller" overweight person and a super-sized person (jumbo jet vs cessna). Sure, some things are the same. But some feel different to me.

I started at 460 pounds. The canyons seemed deeper, the mountains seemed higher. Temptation seemed so powerful and hope seemed farther away. Success always felt right around the corner, but just out of reach.

The road, for the super-sized person, can seem soooo long. It's easy to get so very tired of it all. To start thinking compromise. Couched in a "positive" way, of course, like "look how far you've come".  

But it's still settling. 

Still stopping short. 

Still giving up. 

Still buying into the lie that I've come as far as I can, and it's time to get "realistic" and accept that this is IT.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so raw today. I am successfully, finally, back on track, after a few days of struggle. I think it's a deep and powerful response to a blog post I read from Holly, HERE. 

After reading what Holly wrote, I cried, and I felt understood. She's lost 240 pounds and KNOWS the long struggle. Also the pitfalls along the way and even after. The pull of that addiction. The way we rationalize our behavior. The guilt over making selfish choices instead of following our faith, and going to God instead of food. All that.

So... I'm not giving up. I pray for help. I pray for mercy. I pray for encouragement. And I feel grateful that HOPE is real and powerful.

Answer my prayers, O Lord, 

for your unfailing love is wonderful.

Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful. 

Psalm 69:16

Loretta

NOV 30th Finding The Courage To Face My Stuff

Good afternoon, Journal & Friends,

Jim is out the door to work, Joey is napping in her doggie bed, the Kitties are sleeping on my bed, and even though I have a mountain of chores to get caught up on (Jim was off work for 5 days) I just want to slow down and say "hello" to myself! To make myself check in and get real.

On Nov 17th I started a 1600 calorie per day experiment, along with my usual low carb plus gluten free. Last time I did this, I GAINED weight, got skeered, and backed off. But I didn't give it much of a try... only a week. This time, I decided to do it for a month no matter what, just to see. I planned not to count calories for Thanksgiving, just have a maintence day. But other than that each day was capped at 1600. Well, that was the plan.

Last night I was tired and hungry, and used that as my "justification" to eat an extra meal. Sigh... At first I was so disappointed and feeling defeated. Then I remembered... Out of the last 14 days, 13 of them have been on plan! Um... why not feel good about that?! Okay, so I accepted that I did NOT face my stuff last night, instead choosing to stuff my face. I'm moving on.

Last night I read the latest post by Chris...  AFTER I had overeaten for the night. Ugh... what timing. :-} It was right on the button. I "use" food as a drug, as an escape, and I sort of filed that under her "filling the void" category. And her post reminded me of something I'd been thinking about... that I am good at maintaining a weight along the way. 

I reach a range, and stay there a loooonnnnggg time. It's happened to me repeatedly along this journey, and as a result I've been at this for YEARS. I started at 460 and got stuck around 400. Then I got stuck around 375, then around 350. My lastest sticking range has been in the 330's.  I had hit around 325, lost it and bounced back into the 330's, where I've been fumbling around for a YEAR. Duh... I finally see the pattern! 

And I think I know why, too. It has to do with peeling away the layers of "stuff", as Chris alluded to in her post. And in order to let go and lose more weight, I have to face more stuff and not medicate it with food instead. Each new lower weight range means I have to stop running from whatever it is that pressures me to want to eat instead of think about it, and put it to rest. So... I resist. I cling to my drug and resist the pain of facing my stuff. I wanna stay in my comfort zone, whatever range that happens to be.

Well, I want to finish this journey. To see MORE progress. To have the joy and peace that comes from an authentic life. Not a phony "la la la, everything is fine because I am numb to it due to drugging the feelings with food" kind of life. 

I want to remember that while the outcome is not always within my control, my EFFORT level IS within my control. I can choose not to run from facing uncomfortable stuff. I can choose to make the time to think and face my feelings. I find it strange yet obvious now... that I can even use "living my best life now" as a convenient way to stay too busy to face my feelings. Aarrgh... I've been getting busier with art projects and while that is good and what I feel I am meant to do, I found that I would tell myself I am too busy to do the mental work of this journey... too busy to sit and think, to feel, to process WHY I want to eat. Yikes... I was using a good thing--my art projects--as an excuse to avoid looking in my mental mirror. :-}

Be sure to read the comments under Chris's post. There are some rich insights there to be gleaned. Deb described exactly how I use food, too. Helen talked about facing down our fears. Crumpled Moments wrote about how she was kept busy, without time to think, so when her kids got older and the house got quiet, that caught up with her. And there's more. Good stuff. I appreciate that we can learn from each other. I appreciate these people that are willing to honestly share their hearts with others. That takes guts.

From Dr Phil's book: "Be a part of the group who have the courage and determination to stay in the light."

My verse for today: "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths..."

My quote for today: "Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." --Andre Gide

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 835

SEPT 8th I Can Do Hard Things, too

Hello Journal & Friends,

Yesterday I spent a lot of time gritting my teeth and quoting Chris over and over to myself: I can do hard things! Ever see that in the side bar at A Deliberate Life??

I Can Do Hard Things

See, yesterday I was at the dentist. And it was NOT going well. A very painful session, for multiple reasons I won't bore you with. Here is what I look like TODAY (sorry for the glare on my computer glasses, I forgot to take them off):

And that's just the OUTside... the inside feels worse.

I wanted to console myself with food... isn't that what "we" do??? But luckily for me, the whole lower half of my mouth was throbbing all day yesterday. So I actually ate very little. Add in a fight with MyGuy... and it was a terrific day (yes... read sarcasm there).

And since I couldn't calm the storm with food... I felt it all. And guess what?? The physical pain was nuthin in comparison to the mental/emotional pain. But... I survived.

My point?? It was amazing to me how much it helped me to zone out at the dentists office, by thinking about Chris and her mantra: 

I Can Do Hard Things

I've read it there before, on her blog. But I resisted being a copycat. My ego wanted to be oh-so-original and come up with my own snazzy saying. Well... phooey. Why re-invent the wheel?? Why try to improve on perfection?? And that mantra is perfect for me right now, at this stage of my Becoming, my Changing.

I Can Do Hard Things

Yesterday came on the heels of a couple of horrible eating days, by the way. I've been reading Wheat Belly, by Dr William Davis (see HERE for the review by Dana Carpender that convinced me to buy it). 

And I had a ridiculous reaction to it... something triggered in my head, and I went nutso! Like my favorite drug was threatened, and I had to eat it all before it was too late. The weird thing is... I wasn't eating that many wheat products on a regular basis. Maybe a couple of low carb tortillas a week, and occasionally some store bought sugar free baked goods as a treat... an occasional piece of high fiber bread or cracker. What they call "bridge foods", that help you stay on your journey while in transition. Those of you farther along than I am probably don't eat them any longer, and that's fine by me. Someday I, too, will probably get there. But right now I'm not fussing over it. But from now on... they can't contain wheat!

Anne at CarbTripper had a post recently talking about how we can get anxious over change, even when we KNOW the change is for our own good. I could identify with what she wrote! 

Well... I haven't finished the book yet, but I sure have a lot of symptoms mentioned in it. And if not eating wheat can help me heal, physically, then even though I find it hard, it's a small price to pay for improved health. So, for now, I have decided to DELETE THE WHEAT.... because I Can Do Hard Things! 

From Dr Phil's book: "Stay real and stay flexible. Control problem foods."

My verse for today: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

My quote for today: "Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do." --Goethe

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 753

JULY 12th A Hurt, A Story & God Stuff

Hello Journal & Friends,

Yesterday I allowed someone's words to wound me. I own my reaction. I also own that I did NOT eat over it. THAT IS PROGRESS. And I forgave that person, and felt my feelings instead of using The Food. If for no other reason, that right there makes me a Success. 

I am working to change a LIFETIME habit of using food as a drug of choice. I successfully chose NOT to turn to it this time. Progress, not perfection.

May I tell you a story??

There was once a Little Girl. She was born with a congenital defect, and spent her first 3 years in braces. Then, She learned to walk, and wore clunky corrective shoes for years. For comfort over all these years, She was given Food. For comfort, treats, reward, distraction, celebration, etc etc etc. The Food. 

And the fat little toddler grew into a fat adolescent. And learned that The Food made her feel better... at least temporarily. But it was hard growing up being made fun of... it was a struggle from the start. To scooch around with metal braces on her legs, then to walk, then to be made fun of for her walking AND for being fat. 

She was always last to be picked for any team, didn't have many friends, and kept to herself. She lost herself in her art instead... and The Food. There was always The Food.

She didn't have any huge trauma others have endured. Just the daily life of hurts, feeling different and rejected... and fat. Later, divorce hit the family, and produced anger, hurt, abandonment feelings, resentment, unforgiveness, rebellion. 

She grew a hard shell to protect herself... and ate The Food. She was independent, stubborn and rebellious. But She didn't really believe in herself, didn't dare to reach for her dreams and goals. She never received much in the way of encouragement in that area... that She could be more, do more. So She settled... and ate The Food. 

This became a lifetime way of "being". And over time She grew bigger and bigger. Ups and downs, and always the ups were higher than before. Never able to have children... pain... illness... shattered dreams.

She learned to be tough on the outside. To lie, cheat, steal, manipulate. To grow and sell drugs. To sleep around, looking for "love". All She really wanted was to be Wanted... to belong, to be truly loved for herself.

One day She got a job at a telephone answering service, eventually working alone on the night shift. And she was GOOD at it. No one could see her, they only heard her voice, and they liked her.

So, She hid. And ate The Food. And listened to the radio for company at work. After a while, She had a thought: Those talk shows were asking all the same questions, but had no answers.

One night She heard Peggy Lee singing: "Is That All There Is?"

And She wondered if this was all there was to HER life. So, She changed the radio station, searching for... something. She stumbled upon a station airing radio dramas, and was intrigued. The shows were theatrical and ended with Hope. They also played music that drew her, though She didn't know why.

Then Mr Radio Announcer would talk about this Jesus he knew... as though He were a real person and was involved in his daily life!

In time, it happened. One night at midnight, all alone at work, She surrendered. She wanted more, and reached out. And Jesus met her right where She was at... that hurt little girl that grew up to be angry, rebellious, dishonest, hopeless, mistrusting and feeling dirty... He came to her with His love, kindness, compassion and forgiveness.

And He WANTED her. She FELT wanted. And His love transformed her. She learned what forgiveness really looked like, and felt it's healing power.

Love is not mushy. It's powerful.

Forgiveness is not a feeling. It's powerful.

Compassion and kindness are not wimpy. They are powerful.

Obviously, this is My story. Yes, I was changed at midnight in July of 1975. But I still had a lifetime of Habit ingrained in my psyche to use The Food as a drug for emotional reasons, both good and bad. 

I have worked hard to change that. It's taken a long time to find all the missing pieces to this puzzle. I stumble often. But I get up and keep going. That is progress. 

No one can tell me I have nothing to show for my efforts. No one. They are wrong. They do not understand how far I've come. They only see numbers, and how far I have yet to go. 

I am changing on the INside. And the payoff will be change on the OUTside. That may not be the way others do it. But I've tried the fast "diet" approach. It didn't stick. I regained it and then some. This time, I am determined the changes will be permanent.

And yes, this Jesus I met 36 years ago is still my source of strength. Oh sure, I still have my stubborn streak. But my strength only takes me so far. HE is my Rock. And that is why I know I will succeed. 

From Dr Phil's book: "Impulse moments are critical for you to manage... you need a real strategy worked out in advance."

My verse for today: "The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be the God, the Rock, my Savior!"

My quote for today: "I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn't--than to live my life as if there isn't a God, and die to find out there is." --Albert Camus

Enjoy the Journey,

Retta

=^..^=

DAY 696

JUNE 23rd More Doggie Delicacies

Hello Journal & Friends,

Joey is still learning to NOT indulge her preferance for Doggie Delicacies. But a couple of days ago, when briefly out on the patio, she snuck over to the cat box and stole a nice plump Doggie Delicacy and took off running. She KNEW there would be negative consequences, but it was so irresistable she chose to do it anyway. (All together now... EWWWW!)

 

Well, I understand. Yesterday, in spite of negative consequences, I chose to do my own version of eating Doggie Delicacies. I overate. My goal calories have been 1599, and I had been doing excellent. But yesterday I just went kinda nutso. 

Basically, I ate too much sh*t and just didn't want to know the calories. Oh sure, I stayed on plan, eating "good stuff". Just too MUCH of the good stuff. Waaay too much, as in 2764 calories worth of it. 

At first I said "oh screw it", I wasn't going to add it up. But last week my Secret Challenge partner had a bad day, and she DID take responsibility and reported the numbers. So.... I appreciate her good example, and decided to be accountable too.

I'm glad I did, because I discovered something. I had been so sure it was at least twice that amount. It FELT like an abnormal amount. It didn't feel right. It was not the new me!! I was so surprised by my own reaction. And actually encouraged. My perceptions really are changing! 

I USED to eat those amounts and much more on a regular basis, and it was my "normal". Now... it seemed humongous!! I am not excusing my poor choice yesterday at all, don't get me wrong. I'm just saying I was surprised at how intensely it felt wrong... not normal... weird... not like the New Me.

So... back on track today, and actually encouraged by what I learned from yesterday's splat. 

From Dr Phil's book: "That's your priority. You must hold yourself to a higher standard now. You cannot be wishy washy."

My verse for today: "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path."

My quote for today: "I am still far from being what I want to be, but with God's help I shall succeed." --Vincent Van Gogh

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 678