Hello Journal & Friends,
Yesterday I allowed someone's words to wound me. I own my reaction. I also own that I did NOT eat over it. THAT IS PROGRESS. And I forgave that person, and felt my feelings instead of using The Food. If for no other reason, that right there makes me a Success.
I am working to change a LIFETIME habit of using food as a drug of choice. I successfully chose NOT to turn to it this time. Progress, not perfection.
May I tell you a story??
There was once a Little Girl. She was born with a congenital defect, and spent her first 3 years in braces. Then, She learned to walk, and wore clunky corrective shoes for years. For comfort over all these years, She was given Food. For comfort, treats, reward, distraction, celebration, etc etc etc. The Food.
And the fat little toddler grew into a fat adolescent. And learned that The Food made her feel better... at least temporarily. But it was hard growing up being made fun of... it was a struggle from the start. To scooch around with metal braces on her legs, then to walk, then to be made fun of for her walking AND for being fat.
She was always last to be picked for any team, didn't have many friends, and kept to herself. She lost herself in her art instead... and The Food. There was always The Food.
She didn't have any huge trauma others have endured. Just the daily life of hurts, feeling different and rejected... and fat. Later, divorce hit the family, and produced anger, hurt, abandonment feelings, resentment, unforgiveness, rebellion.
She grew a hard shell to protect herself... and ate The Food. She was independent, stubborn and rebellious. But She didn't really believe in herself, didn't dare to reach for her dreams and goals. She never received much in the way of encouragement in that area... that She could be more, do more. So She settled... and ate The Food.
This became a lifetime way of "being". And over time She grew bigger and bigger. Ups and downs, and always the ups were higher than before. Never able to have children... pain... illness... shattered dreams.
She learned to be tough on the outside. To lie, cheat, steal, manipulate. To grow and sell drugs. To sleep around, looking for "love". All She really wanted was to be Wanted... to belong, to be truly loved for herself.
One day She got a job at a telephone answering service, eventually working alone on the night shift. And she was GOOD at it. No one could see her, they only heard her voice, and they liked her.
So, She hid. And ate The Food. And listened to the radio for company at work. After a while, She had a thought: Those talk shows were asking all the same questions, but had no answers.
One night She heard Peggy Lee singing: "Is That All There Is?"
And She wondered if this was all there was to HER life. So, She changed the radio station, searching for... something. She stumbled upon a station airing radio dramas, and was intrigued. The shows were theatrical and ended with Hope. They also played music that drew her, though She didn't know why.
Then Mr Radio Announcer would talk about this Jesus he knew... as though He were a real person and was involved in his daily life!
In time, it happened. One night at midnight, all alone at work, She surrendered. She wanted more, and reached out. And Jesus met her right where She was at... that hurt little girl that grew up to be angry, rebellious, dishonest, hopeless, mistrusting and feeling dirty... He came to her with His love, kindness, compassion and forgiveness.
And He WANTED her. She FELT wanted. And His love transformed her. She learned what forgiveness really looked like, and felt it's healing power.
Love is not mushy. It's powerful.
Forgiveness is not a feeling. It's powerful.
Compassion and kindness are not wimpy. They are powerful.
Obviously, this is My story. Yes, I was changed at midnight in July of 1975. But I still had a lifetime of Habit ingrained in my psyche to use The Food as a drug for emotional reasons, both good and bad.
I have worked hard to change that. It's taken a long time to find all the missing pieces to this puzzle. I stumble often. But I get up and keep going. That is progress.
No one can tell me I have nothing to show for my efforts. No one. They are wrong. They do not understand how far I've come. They only see numbers, and how far I have yet to go.
I am changing on the INside. And the payoff will be change on the OUTside. That may not be the way others do it. But I've tried the fast "diet" approach. It didn't stick. I regained it and then some. This time, I am determined the changes will be permanent.
And yes, this Jesus I met 36 years ago is still my source of strength. Oh sure, I still have my stubborn streak. But my strength only takes me so far. HE is my Rock. And that is why I know I will succeed.
From Dr Phil's book: "Impulse moments are critical for you to manage... you need a real strategy worked out in advance."
My verse for today: "The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock! Exalted be the God, the Rock, my Savior!"
My quote for today: "I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and die to find out there isn't--than to live my life as if there isn't a God, and die to find out there is." --Albert Camus
Enjoy the Journey,
Retta
=^..^=
DAY 696
