Jan 16th.... Celebrating and Learning

I can’t believe it’s been this long since I last posted. Oh well. 2019 was a rough year, health wise. But somehow (to my amazement and gratitude), I’ve finally passed the 200 lbs lost mark. 

206 to be exact. Highest weight 460. Current weight 254. Final goal 199.

Gee. That amazes even me. It took years, but I’m finally there. I was thinking today… at first I felt really proud of myself. Yet found there was also a sadness. If I had only done this sooner….You know, all those regrets.

 So please, kiddos, don’t do as I did. Do it sooner, not later. I need to just accept that disappointment over waiting so long, and then get on with being happy about the progress. What’s the cliche we throw around? Progress, not perfection. 

No Time to Monkey Around

by Retta

I discovered a lovely new artist on FB that I am following. Pat Butynski is her name. She is going through some rough times herself, but still makes wonderful art. She has this ability to be in touch with and honest with her feelings  (grief over losing her Mother last week, and her own heath issues).

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve really learned how to integrate the down times, and feel them, and still have the Joy. So I tend to focus on only the Joy, and try to ignore the hard stuff.

 But she writes beautifully of this. I’m listening Lord. Teach me.

 Grabbing a cuppa sunshine - 6” x 8” mixed media rough sketch study 

by  Pat Butynski

https://www.instagram.com/patbutynskiarttalk/

 Later Gators,

Retta

Edited to add: I realized today (Sunday the 19th) that I wrote here I had "waited so long". Uh,,, no. I tried repeatedly all my life. Just with methods that didn't work for ME. So, let's just say I regret not having found MY way sooner. It's true. And I like that better. :-)

Time for a Funeral

I did my usual first of the month weigh in thing: lost 7 lbs last month. Not exactly Rabbit speed, but a nice respectable Turtle. That much closer to regained health.

That makes 27 lbs since the beginning of Feb this year. In the past, I would dampen that joy with regrets:

I wish I had done this sooner.
Why did I re-gain?
I've been at the weight before.
Etc etc etc.

No more. I embrace the joy and hope.

Today I attend a funeral. I'm holding a ceremony, and saying goodbye to a presence that has been with me as long as I remember: 

Regrets. 

Today I lay them to rest.

Eulogy for My Lifelong Regrets

Today I say goodbye to My Lifelong Regrets. We’ve been together a long time, but now it’s time I let you go.

You taught me a lot.

You taught me about Humility, because my life didn’t turn out as I thought it would, yet I still have much for which to be thankful.

You taught me about Compassion, because I know how it feels to struggle and fail, repeatedly.

You taught me about Determination, because though I fell - a LOT - somehow by God’s grace, I got up again and kept going.

You taught me about Focus, because though there is pain in life, I can still choose to focus on the beauty, joy and goodness that is there also.

You taught me Gratitude, because though I didn’t get all I wanted, such as children and grandchildren, I got Love. 

But one thing you did not teach me was Brevity. 

No one is perfect. ;-)

Enjoying the journey, and letting go of regrets,

Retta

May 7th Open Letter to All Those Younger Than Me!

I'm writing this to anyone who is younger than I am. 

I am now 63 years old. I have been fighting this weight loss battle ALL. MY. LIFE.

Well, almost. I was put on my first diet at age 10. Given "horse urine" shots from the doctor. Didn't work.

After that it was one attempt after another, off and on, for the rest of my life. 

My weight was up and down, up and down. As a teen and early twenty-something, I "almost" got down to a normal weight, for a nano second.

I won't go into all the stuff I've tried. Literally dozen of types of attempts to lose weight. 

Thousands of dollars. 

Buckets of tears.

My message today isn't what I've tried, or even the fact that they all eventually failed for lots of different reasons.

My message to you "young uns" is simple:  DON'T WAIT.

PLEASE DON'T WAIT.

I can distinctly remember being 30 years old. I was once again whining about wishing I knew how

to play the guitar. Suddenly, I felt slapped up side the head with a vision: I blinked and I was 40, and still didn't know how to play the guitar, and was still whining about it. I felt jarred, the inner vision was so real. So... I went out, bought a guitar and taught myself to play.

Oh how I wish I had been slapped up side the head with the same kind of vision in regards to losing weight!! To pay the piper back then, whatever the cost. 

To do it sooner, rather than later.

If you think this post is all about regrets, then you miss my point, and I haven't made it clear. Oh sure, I have regrets. But that's not my point here.

I am trying to point out to you HOW FAST LIFE FLIES BY. 

And imploring you to get as healthy as you can, as soon as you can.

LIFE IS SHORT.

I really can't believe I am 63. Honestly, inside the REAL ME, I feel about... oh... I'd say about 39.

Sounds weird, I know. But inside I am not 63. Nu-uh, nope.

Inside, my hair is not falling out at an alarming rate by the globfuls.

Inside, my knees don't scream in protest every time I get up from my wheelchair.

Inside, I am strong and full of energy and enthusiasm, regardless of what my body says to the contrary.

This next Saturday I'm going in for a new sleep study to determine how much oxygen they need to add to my CPAP machine. My congestive heart failure is acting up. 

What's that?? No no no, but I'm only 39!? I'm not losing the last of my teeth soon, being fitted with dentures and being put on oxygen!?

I'm not a fat, graying, balding, toothless, crippled old woman who dearly wishes she had done exactly what she is pleading with YOU to do, and lost that weight while younger.

Do it now, my friends. Your older self will thank your younger self!!

Yeah, I know... it's never too late. And I am making progress now.

But trust me, it's better to do it sooner.

This is from my heart, hoping it reaches someone else's heart to spare them from going through what I am...

Loretta

MAR 28th Just Sad

Hi,

If you want to read a chirpy, happy post, please feel free to skip this one.

I'm feeling very sad. My Dad's funeral is on April 1st, and due to the physical consequences of carrying around all this extra weight for so long, I can't go. And it hurts. 

How ironic that the funeral is on April Fools Day. I feel like such a fool. I did this to myself, by all my foolish choices over the years. I looked back over my calendar... and I've wasted so many months, bouncing around basically the same weight since last summer.

One thing I have learned... or AM learning, is that feelings are transient. And even though right now it hurts very much... it will pass. It's like passing through a tunnel... eventually I will come out the other side.

I just don't want to eat over it. I've done that all my life... and look where it got me. Here, crying because I can't attend Daddy's funeral. So... for Daddy, I'll just feel it... and cry... and not eat over it. 

Right now, that does nothing for me, attitude-wise. But I know eventually I'll be glad I did it that way. Eventually.

Loretta

Daughter of Frank Ray Brown

1921 - 2011

DAY 591

JAN 15 The Big Six Oh

Hi Journal & Friends,

So... it's my Day of Birth. 

I am better (well, other than mindlessy eating all those salted almonds Friday night, and just finally losing track and giving up trying to count calories!!). I've done a lot of soul searching, and listened for the answers to my cry for HELP.

I received the same type of message from 9 different sources! Sheesh... you'd think I was hard-headed or sumpthin! Who, me??

In summary:

-Change my paradigm, how I look at it, my personal truth.  

-Let go of the past. I've learned from it, now it's time to let go of regrets, and look forward.

-Accept what is, what I can't change. But also know that every good choice equals Making It Better... a better future.

-Act, don't react. As part of that, I am no longer putting the DAY number of this journey at the top of my blog. It will now go at the bottom of the post, just for my reference, but not blaring in my face the first thing. I feel better about that now... it is a gift to myself.

-Forgive myself. For real this time. Completely, lovingly, with compassion and understanding. Just like I'd give to someone else who needed it. 

-Remember... remember my dream.

A few days before I gave up sugar and flour in March of 2009, I had a vivid dream. When I woke up, I not only remembered it, I knew what it meant, no doubts. 

In this dream I felt that God was encouraging me that it was not too late for me to change. When I asked "to change what?" I immediately knew that it was not too late to change my thinking. 

That Strength and encouragement were being offered. That I was to choose strength "in spite of". That the double portion of joy offered was mine to choose, to give me strength.

That from now on opposition was an opportunity to get stronger and more determined to succeed.

I suppose over time, I've tended to forget the dream. But it's come back to me, and I'm thankful. You wouldn't think I'd forget something that remarkable to me, would you?! Sigh....

So, that's my choice. To believe the old voices in my head... or to believe the dream. The NEW paradigm that says I Can Do Hard Things (I saw that on Chris's blog, and really like it!).

I choose to look forward, to let go of the past and the "what might have beens".

This has not come easy... it's been a wrestle, a breaking. But I finally feel some peace now.

I watched Star Trek, The Undiscovered Country last night, and realized for the first time where they got the title from for the movie. A character in the movie referred to the FUTURE as The Undiscovered Country. And at the end of the movie, when they were deciding what to do and Chekhov asked Captain Kirk what their heading was... Captain Kirk answered: 

"Second star to the right... and straight on til morning."

And they were off to another grand adventure. That is what I am choosing. To look forward, not back. To look for my grand adventure. I don't know just what that means yet... 

From Dr Phil's book: "What is true about you in your mind, you will live."

My verse for today: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

My quote for today: "The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating." --John Schaar

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 520

DAY 518 Working Stuff Out

Hi Journal & Friends,

Late getting this written... back from another doctors' appointment, where I got the go ahead for more minor surgery on my hands... right one this time... next Thursday. Yippee, more fun.  But the good news is, he said of the 12 cysts on my hands, most of them probably will NOT need surgery. Scar tissue from being infected and cut open to drain will sometimes destroy the cyst capsule, and it can't get infected any more. Therefore, no need to bother with it. Yay to that!

In other news... been having a hard couple of days. Painful, emotionally speaking. Don't really feel up to explaining it all... I'm still working it out. 

Bottomline, when I faced--REALLY faced--how I felt about turning 60 on Saturday... I was crushed that I was STILL fat... that I am still not there. It's a long story... but this has gutted me. 

I'm finally past the insane screaming in my head to run away and stuff my face... I didn't, but I wanted to soooooooooooooooo badly. 

Instead, I finally decided that I might as well face it. I knew "something" has been bugging me,  but I didn't want to explore it. 

But... it wasn't going away... come on, Loretta, it's not going to kill you to face it... you've been running from emotional pain all your life and where has THAT got you... just sit with it awhile... you'll survive... go ahead and feel it... cry... listen... cry some more... listen to all the thoughts... you don't have to agree with them... you don't have to "adopt" them as your truth... be honest and admit which of them are ALREADY your personal truth and are the culprits as to why you are reeling over this... you've asked God for help... now listen and watch for an answer... cry some more... listen some more...

And whaddaya know... it took awhile, but I actually, eventually, got some answers, some insights. And it didn't kill me to NOT comfort myself with food. I'll talk more tomorrow when I don't feel so exhausted over this. 

Here is one of the things, a mini-movie, that helped to open my heart and thinking, to remember that what I believe as my own Personal Truth will shape my life, my world. 

And if I will just be open to letting go of the past and it's regrets, that there can be good to come... to be open to new possibilities. But I can't reach my hands FORWARD to take hold of my future when I am still reaching BACKWARDS, holding on to regrets and "what might have been". I want to Let It Go...

It's long... a whole 20 minutes out of my entire life...oh dear... ;-)

It was a powerful, beautiful and touching little mini-movie, that brought my racing mind back to a place of calm, and helped me tell myself NO, I will not go eat... just sit here and watch, there is something for you in here... look for it.

And there it was.

Here is a quote from The Butterfly Circus 

that touched me deeply, seeing as how it found me at this low point:

"The greater the struggle, 

the more glorious the triumph."

If you need "help", I highly recommend taking 20 minutes out of your busy life, and click on this link, taking you to the mini-movie "The Butterfly Circus". You'll be glad you did, I promise you.

From Dr Phil's book: "This personal truth as it relates to your weight, and indeed to your entire life, is vitally important, because if you believe it, if it is real to you, then it is for you the precise reality you will live every day."

My verse for today: "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry."

My quote for today: "Do all you can with what you have, in the time you have, in the place you are." --Nkosi Johnson, South African boy, died of AIDS (1989 - 2001)

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 421 A Special Award for a Friend

Greetings Journal & Friends!

On August 31, 2009 I had only been blogging for 22 days. Talk about a newbie! I wrote a post called "Question One & Mud or Stars". 

In it, I poured out my heart, answering the question: What are you really hungry for? 

And I talked about my regret at having wasted so many years of my life in morbid obesity.

And I wrote this:

I may be late getting to the party, but I accept the invitation. And I am grateful to be invited, and given a chance to enjoy it with the music turned up, singing and dancing and celebrating the possibilities all the way out! I have plans...big plans...dreams...hopes...visions...daring and exciting. What have I got to lose to at least try???

This is a journey we CHOOSE...it's all about choices...and I choose to never give up, to never quit, and to reach out for my dreams. Why not shoot for the moon?? Even if I miss, I will still be among the stars. Sounds good to me!

That day, Mary (from Wistful Nebulae) was the only person who commented. She encouraged me, and made me feel "heard" and understood.

And in the year plus since then, she has been there through thick and thin, encouraging me to pursue my passions, those things which light up my life. 

To allow those things we LOVE to be the fuel that keeps our bonfires scorching hot!

And Mary didn't just TALK it... she is setting an example to follow by LIVING it. Over and over, her encouragement to hold fast to my dreams have helped carry me through the inevitable rough patches along the way.

She was busy up to her eyeballs with writing deadlines, yet would take the time to email me. 

And THAT is why I would like to pass on this award to Mary, my friend. It is called the Holding Hands Award... "helping me through the turbulence" award. 

Karen at Waisting Time wrote a wonderful post about the award, it's origin, and meaning HERE.

It was given to me by Deb from Deb Will Be Free, a dear friend who has helped ME more than she will ever know.

So, thank you, Mary, for your friendship and for encouraging me to always remember my dreams.

From Dr Phil's book: "Behavorial change is more successful if it is supported by a caring, loyal, and encouraging network of like-minded people who want you to win."

My verse for today: "This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."

My quote for today: "It takes a long time to grow an old friend." --John Leonard

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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