Hello there, Journal & Friends,
Chris at A Deliberate Life calls it going Whack a doo. Yep, that describes it well. I finally realized that my whole meltdown started after a few days of not enough sleep. And that's my own fault.
Without good sleep, it all gets harder and starts to unravel. It affects everything... energy levels, food, exercise, attitude... I even forgot that I was not alone on this journey, that God promised to be with me, to guide and strengthen me. I was just too wrapped up in me/mine/my/I. And down I went, like a domino effect.
I really appreciate the thoughtful comments that were left... they were amazing, full of encouragement and good advice. I plan to write about some of them next week. They helped give me a more objective view.
I finally realized that the simple answer as to what was bugging me was: fear. And more specifically: fear of failure
I didn't realize it was lurking there, under the surface, until I came right up to the brink of change. Then it put up a fight!
Rebecca, my niece, also left me a very insightful comment yesterday.
I read her comment and thought: How did she get so smart!?
I didn't know about her experience in High School with the jewelry class and the Award. Something she said about having to live up to the pressure of the award struck me.
I was wondering what it was in my thinking that made me draw back from the changes I wanted to make in my Time and Priorities. When I read Rebecca's comment, a bell went off...
If I commit to this new direction, if I SAY I am going to do it.. then can I live up to it? The pressure would be on me to "produce", to not just talk about a thing, but to DO it.
I have FINALLY, after a gazillion years of "trying", been able to start DOING the weight loss thing. That's pretty much figured out, with adjustments here and there as I go along. But there is this whole other area of my life I want to work on.
But... I am still in the TALKING stages of it, of my dream, of really committing my Time and Priorities to my Art. I think Rebecca nailed it... I am afraid if I commit, I can't live up to it. It's that simple.
I was feeling the pressure of that, and instead of reacting in a new way that would allow the pressure to be a thing that propelled me to success, I reacted my "old" way of thinking. It "skeered" me and I ran from it.
So the easy way out.. the way that felt safer, was to not do it. To live safe and quiet and without risk. To not step outside my Comfort Zone.
I can't accept that.
Now that I see what it is, I just can't accept it. It's like accepting a mediocre, bland, colorless life. It's like saying I will trade in my dreams just to not risk failure, to not risk looking foolish. But that would mean living without joy, without enthusiasm, without boldness.
No. NO. NO!
I would rather jump off that cliff, flying with my arms out and whooping with joy, than to crawl into a safe, dark little corner.
I would rather TRY even knowing I might fail, than withdraw and go back into a cocoon like a scared little worm, thinking I am safe because I didn't try.
What if my parachute doesn't open? What if God doesn't catch me? What if I fail? What if ... What if... what if...
I only have one life here on earth... this is not a dress rehearsal. I feel like a Late Bloomer, and I don't want to waste any more time by feeding the Fear monster. I choose to get out of my comfort zone, to Risk. Sure, it's a bunch of cliches all strung together... but it's still true.
What's the worst that could happen?? I could try, and not make my goals.
And the best that could happen?? I could make it!
But either way, think of the fun I could have trying, living with passion, hope and joy!
Sorry this is so long.. but writing it out, putting it into words has helped me see it more clearly. And to see my choices... in fact, to see that I DO HAVE A CHOICE!
I still "feel skeered". But I am choosing to reach for it, anyway, to live with passion and go for my dreams.
From Dr Phil's book: "Evaluate each and every option in your life against the priorities of your goals."
My verse for today: "Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord."
My quote for today: "Embrace change." --Kimberly at K_The_Phoenix
Enjoy the Journey,