Thursday, June 10, 2010

DAY 305 Tantrums & Excuses

Hi there Journal & Friends,


Yesterday I included a quote from the movie The Day the Earth Stood Still
"It's only on the brink 
that people find the will to change." 


They said it again a couple of seconds later this way:

 "At the precipice, we change." 

I've been rolling along for months, adjusted to my program, tweaking it here and there as I go when necessary. But I think I kind of skeered myself... and I'm embarrassed to write about it, and feel like I've let people down... I wanted my blog to be a place of encouragement and hope, not full of whining and excuses. Sigh...

See...I was doing a lot of thinking about what I wrote in Monday's post... how I wanted to live my life and prioritize my Time. I decided I wanted to make some major changes in my time management and my priorities... and yesterday... something inside went berserk! Like I was being threatened... and I felt as though I were spinning out of control, in panic mode. I used up all my calories way before dinner, and didn't want to even think about it.

What's that all about ???!!!! It felt like I was way back in March of 2009, when I decided to stop eating sugar and flour. I went through a similar time of resistance and panic and inner warfare!

I must be on to something important to be putting up this much resistance. If it just wasn't a good idea and no biggee, I could rationally think it through, assess the pros and cons, and come up with a decision.

But this is a totally out-of-proportion irrational response! And it's not on the "thinking" level at all... it's in the emotional arena. I'm confused and not sure why. In theory what I've been thinking about sounds good... so why am I digging in my heels in rebellion??! Being so stubborn about change??

My Mom used to tell me the story of my first day of school. We lived across the street from the Elementary school. The day came for me to start Kindergarten. She said that as we got out to the street to go across, I balked... that I literally dug in my heels, and she dragged, pushed, pulled, threatened, cajoled, and finally had to physically overpower me to make me go to school. 

I don't remember it myself...just what she's told me. All I know is.. obviously I didn't want to go! And so I resisted and put up a fight, making it hard for a full grown adult to make me go. 

That is how I feel now... like the scared part of me is saying "NO!" to change, to something new and unknown. It's embarrassing! I feel like such a hypocrite, someone who is playing a part, a pretender.

So I am looking inward, trying to honestly answer the questions as to what is scaring me off? What is causing this response in me? What is it that I believe to be true that could be causing this irrational response??

Like I said... I'm still a work in progress.

From Dr Phil's book: "Start behaving in ways that make you feel really good about yourself."

My verse for today: "Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name."

My quote for today:  "The person who gets the farthest is generally the one who is willing to Do and Dare. The Comfort Zone Boat never gets far from the shore." --Dale Carnegie

Enjoy the Journey,



M Pax said...

LOL I see why you accuse me of being part betazoid.

Small steps and small chunks of time. Make a plan that skeered part can live with, what it doesn't balk so much at.

That's how I worked my way out of my perpetual hell of panic attacks and depression. There were parts of me that said, 'I can do that'. They were few and far between. OK. There were only 2. But that's where I started. My inner voice agreed I could volunteer some of my time and be productive and my mother had said to me on the phone, 'you were always good at writing. Write me something." It was nice to hear I was good at something.

So I became a volunteer tutor for Oregon Literacy and I started writing. That was quite awhile ago now. Longer than I'm probably willing to admit. LOL But from those 'I can's' and by steadily walking forward when I felt ready. Ready being key and not pushing myself too far too fast, I put myself on an incredible road that took me on an incredible journey.

It took time and working with myself instead of against myself. I applied those same lessons to weight loss when I was ready to get healthier.

Something really incredible happened after that. I just wanted to not be in pain and not be so miserable any more. That was all I wanted. But I found my confidence again [something I thought was gone for good] and I found life rocks.

Give yourself a change. Find away to work with and around yourself to move forward. Baby steps. Baby steps add up. Look how far they've taken me.

OK, I'm not published yet but I sure am handling all the rejection love in stride. Something I would not have been able to do even three years ago. I didn't start putting myself in that game until I was ready. I could lament it, but I don't. I rejoice to be here. It's amazing. And when I forget [as rejection is liable to make you do from time to time] I remember from where I started and find the joy all over again.

Life rocks! Go out there and snag yours. Then never let go. :D

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

If somehow you could "fight" for what you WANT... instead of fighting the change. That's what it has ended up coming down to with me. But now, it's about how bad I want my goal.... my focus in that goal, and finding a path for me that will work to get there. But it is a mystery to figure out ourselves and work through our "getting stuck" areas. Lots of prayers and then lots of re-directing of thoughts for me. Best of luck!!


Genie @ Diet of 51 said...

I applaud you for investigating that skeery place. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. I don't know who said that originally, but I think John Belusi said it in Animal House (LOL?)!

Love the photo of the cat-coon! Reminds me of the one of the beagle disguised in the middle of the bunch of foxes. Sometimes I feel like the beagle.

Rebecca Stewart said...

This post strikes a chord with me. I totally know what you mean, especially about feeling like a pretender.

I will share one of many little stories to illustrate what I mean. (You may already know and remember this, but humor me)

My senior year in high school, I took a jewelry class. It was just a fun class- I didn't need it for credit- so I felt a little freer to do stuff that I wanted to do. Turned out I had a knack for all that stuff (soldering, beading, metal casting, working with wire, etc.). I turned out some really cool projects. So, the instructor found out I was in band, too, and nominated me for Fine Arts Student of the Year- which I won! After that... the next time I went to class, I couldn't even look the teacher in the eye. I felt like... a fraud?

I didn't know why I deserved an award for something that didn't even seem hard. I mean, I'd been in band since the uterus, and I didn't feel like making jewelry was all that much of an accomplishment. Maybe I felt like, okay, now I have all this pressure to live up to the title, so I can't possibly just keep doing what I'm doing. I must innovate and wow them!

Well, I ended up dropping the class because I felt paralyzed by fear that I was going to let them down now that they had put their faith in me. Of course it seems silly now, when I am able to think about it objectively, but at the time, I had no explanation for why I felt that way.

You've done this extraordinary thing of losing a HUGE amount of weight (no bones about it, even if you have a ways to go til your goal- It's. A. LOT.), and for a while you were cruisin' and groovin' on your routine, it was like clockwork; second nature; no biggie, "I got this"... and you've hit a little plateau.

So now you're thinking, how was I able to make all of the puzzle pieces fit before, but now not so much? Why does tweaking the plan cause so much distress? Maybe it's because the plan that worked for your first 124 lbs. isn't quite the right one for the last 137. Maybe this next one is going to be a little bumpier. Your routine has been upset, and I've come to realize with a 2-year old that routine is VERY IMPORTANT.

I know you're a night owl, and that seems to be when temptation strikes most (for me too!). It would be trite of me to say maybe just shift your hours so you get up earlier and go to bed sooner. I know, because for me, when I try to do that, I just end up staying up just as late and losing a little more sleep.

Maybe you just need a little more time for these new changes to become old hat. My left "shift" key on my keyboard quit working, so I had to use the right one, and for like 2 weeks every time I would go to capitalize something, I would still try to use the left one and would grumble EVERY time because, duh! come on Rebecca! Slowly but surely, I trained my other pinkie to do it, and now I can't remember how I DIDN'T know to do it like this. Know what I mean?

Nobody thinks you're a pretender. You're honest about what you think and feel. That's what's important. And if you need to change your whole system so that it works for YOU, and it takes some time and grumbling and duh's! before you get it into your muscle memory and it becomes automatic, then that's what you have to do. Think of all the people who go on commercial diet plans and quit after a month. It's because they don't adapt. They expect things to continue on in perpetuity just like the first month. YOU are adapting! YOU have a stick-to-it-iveness that a lot of people don't, and you deserve all the awards you get for it! You WILL get through this rough patch! And we WILL be here for you!!!

cmoursler said...

Hey loretta, Having a hard time adapting to change doesn't make you a hypocrite. I wish I was there to give a hug. You are doing so well in the face of so much...I am glad I popped back in here to see this post.
I will be around for the next three days. Hang in there....give it at least 21 days and maybe steer clear of home for a bit.
rooting for you as always.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes accepting success is harder than accepting failure. We're used to failing. That's what we do when it comes to weight loss. At least, that's what we've always done. Success, odd tho it may seem, can be terrifying.

You're about to succeed. The enemy of your soul would like you to shoot yourself in the foot. Tell your self to push on--you are not giving up now!

"If anyone lacks wisdom let him ask of God who gives liberally and without rebuke." James 1:5

Fall forward, WLW, fall forward.


M @ The Woes and Throes said...

LOL that you say "skeered." I say that all the time! Your fear must be something that happens to folks who have lost a lot of weight. Yours is the second blog I read today about facing the fear of moving on. The other chick (and I didn't save her blog, wish now I did) was just about to hit 199, and freaked and ate, and gained a few pounds.
I sure-nuff wish I had an answer, but I suppose it's better that you come up with the answer, and I know you will. If you won't think about it too hard, your mind will take over and fill in the gap. Just relax and let the thoughts fly. It will come to you. The brain is an amazing thing.
And know that I'm praying for you. There is an answer, and you will find it. I know that you will not abandon the journey. We're in this together!! I'm with you.

Anonymous said...

Don't be skeered Loretta. Embrace change. You deserve the best.

Then I Got Fat said...

I don't think you're a hypocrite at all. I think that with any type of change there is always going to be some resistance. The fact that you are working to understand where it is coming from makes you totally genuine and more endearing.

Keep your head up.

Nancy B. Kennedy said...

Love the "pretender" photo! Underneath the mask, I bet there's a really loveable soul! Ditto with you.

Anonymous said...

well i don't know. I wonder sometimes why i am afraid to actually be thin. It could be that when people tell me how good I am beginning to look that I force myself backwards, to make them prove their love to me, and say I still look good and they still love me.
And another part of me says its not that simple, there is more going on.

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