Hello to Journal & Friends,
Yesterday, I felt like saying: "Two hundred and four days at this. And not much to show for it. I will admit I feel demoralized... beat up... defeated... flattened..."
(can click on pic to enlarge)
Today, after Blog visiting and reading so many encouraging comments (thank you soooo much!), it has finally sunk in that I needed to get this into perspective.
Anne H said: "Please don't let yourself be upset." That word LET jumped out at me, and I remembered I had a choice... Duh.
Then I received an email from a dear long-time friend who started an orphanage in India, and read about the coming drought and hardships the children live with on a daily basis. Made me feel about 1 inch tall for all my whining and pouting. Now THAT email truly put things into perspective.
I enjoy reading from my Dr Phil book "The Ultimate Weight Solution". One thing he teaches in there is that people "do what works". We will not maintain any behavior that is not providing some kind of payoff. He is trying to help us find out WHY we overeat. That there is a reason, a why, a payoff.
No payoff, no repetition.
Well, that is true in the opposite sense, too. For me to continue a POSITIVE behavior, I need to see results, sooner or later.
It was so deeply frustrating to be doing the exercise, to be sticking to my calorie budget, and still be getting pathetic results. I know some of you can relate.
Ms. PJ Geek said something yesterday that I have been wondering about... could the stress surrounding my experience all last month with that biopsy have made THAT big of an impact?? Seems like a stretch... or an excuse... I dunno...
And Chris wondered about my thyroid. I was wondering about that, too. But I already take a humongous dose of thyroid meds. It's been awhile since I've had it tested. Maybe I am due, just in case... I dunno...
I haven't found an answer yet that makes sense to me. Who knows, maybe I never will, and will just have to keep going "in spite of."
And stop magnifying the problem. About halfway down her post (HERE), Leslie talked about "the magnifying mind." I had never heard it put that way before, and it caught my attention. Thank you for that, Leslie!
When I sign off here, I am going to get me a big piece of blank paper, and scrawl in big, bold letters: TEMPORARY
For now, I will remind myself of some positives so far:
- I have not eaten sugar or flour for almost 1 year. That is huge for me... to be "willing" to give up my drugs, my comfort foods. I still enjoy controlled portions of treats, just not with sugar in them.
- I don't have giant binge-fests at night any more. I would do fine all day, only to sabotage myself, night after night, and then cry myself to sleep. That is a thing of the past now.
- I am beginning to feel like exercise is "normal". I am always glad afterwards that I did it.
- I am learning what it means to be consistent. Consistent with exercise, with calories, with posting. And I want to extend that to other areas.
- I made the commitment to post every day. I have kept that commitment for 205 days. It has forced me to focus, and not run and hide when things got tough... like now.
- I have learned it is okay to be vulnerable, and honest, and let down the "mask". There are wonderful people in Blogland that understand, and if I am open to it, they can help me get back up and feel encouraged.
- I never gave up. Even when I my feelings tell me "what's the use", I keep going. When you can't continue based on enthusiasm and results, then you continue based on choice and determination. On BELIEF that if you do keep going, sooner or later you MUST see results.
Years ago my husband and I were trying to come up with a name for our art studio that we both could agree on. After dozens of discarded ideas, we settled upon Blue Sky Studio. We later had to change it, because it was already taken by a large company back east.
But before we changed it, I mentioned it to a family member. She didn't like it... said it was "boring". I was surprised, but hey, we all are entitled to our opinions. The reason Jim and I liked it was because of what it represented to us.
Blue sky... that no matter how dark the clouds, or how stormy the weather, if you get up HIGH enough, there is always blue sky up above the storms.
So that is what I am clinging to now... that up high, above all the emotional storms, there is BLUE SKY. And sooner or later, the clouds will break, and I will get to enjoy it again. :-}
From Dr Phil's book: " Successful people do what unsuccessful people won't... you don't have to like them; you just have to do them."
My verse for today: "Come near to God and he will come near to you."
My quote for today: "If I keep a green bough in my heart, the singing bird will come." --Chinese proverb
Enjoy the Journey,