Tuesday, March 2, 2010

DAY 205 Better Today & Sort of Toon Tuesday

Hello to Journal & Friends,

 Yesterday, I felt like saying:  "Two hundred and four days at this. And not much to show for it. I will admit I feel demoralized... beat up... defeated... flattened..."

(can click on pic to enlarge)

Today, after Blog visiting and reading so many encouraging comments (thank you soooo much!), it has finally sunk in that I needed to get this into perspective. 

Anne H  said: "Please don't let yourself be upset." That word LET jumped out at me, and I remembered I had a choice... Duh.

Then I received an email from a dear long-time friend who started an orphanage in India, and read about the coming drought and hardships the children live with on a daily basis. Made me feel about 1 inch tall for all my whining and pouting. Now THAT email truly put things into perspective.

I enjoy reading from my Dr Phil book "The Ultimate Weight Solution". One thing he teaches in there is that people "do what works". We will not maintain any behavior that is not providing some kind of payoff. He is trying to help us find out WHY we overeat. That there is a reason, a why, a payoff.

No payoff, no repetition.

Well, that is true in the opposite sense, too. For me to continue a POSITIVE behavior, I need to see results, sooner or later.

It was so deeply frustrating to be doing the exercise, to be sticking to my calorie budget, and still be getting pathetic results. I know some of you can relate.

Ms. PJ Geek said something yesterday that I have been wondering about... could the stress surrounding my experience all last month with that biopsy have made THAT big of an impact?? Seems like a stretch... or an excuse... I dunno...

And Chris wondered about my thyroid. I was wondering about that, too. But I already take a humongous dose of thyroid meds. It's been awhile since I've had it tested. Maybe I am due, just in case... I dunno...

I haven't found an answer yet that makes sense to me. Who knows, maybe I never will, and will just have to keep going "in spite of." 

And stop magnifying the problem. About halfway down her post (HERE),  Leslie talked about "the magnifying mind." I had never heard it put that way before, and it caught my attention. Thank you for that, Leslie!

When I sign off here, I am going to get me a big piece of blank paper, and scrawl in big, bold letters: TEMPORARY

For now, I will remind myself of some positives so far:

  • I have not eaten sugar or flour for almost 1 year. That is huge for me... to be "willing" to give up my drugs, my comfort foods. I still enjoy controlled portions of treats, just not with sugar in them.

  • I don't have giant binge-fests at night any more. I would do fine all day, only to sabotage myself, night after night, and then cry myself to sleep. That is a thing of the past now.

  • I am beginning to feel like exercise is "normal". I am always glad afterwards that I did it.

  • I am learning what it means to be consistent. Consistent with exercise, with calories, with posting. And I want to extend that to other areas.

  • I made the commitment to post every day. I have kept that commitment for  205 days. It has forced me to focus, and not run and hide when things got tough... like now.

  • I have learned it is okay to be vulnerable, and honest, and let down the "mask". There are wonderful people in Blogland that understand, and if I am open to it, they can help me get back up and feel encouraged.

  • I never gave up. Even when I my feelings tell me "what's the use", I keep going. When you can't continue based on enthusiasm and results, then you continue based on choice and determination. On BELIEF that if you do keep going, sooner or later you MUST see results. 

Years ago my husband and I were trying to come up with a name for our art studio that we both could agree on. After dozens of discarded ideas, we settled upon Blue Sky Studio. We later had to change it, because it was already taken by a large company back east.

But before we changed it, I mentioned it to a family member. She didn't like it... said it was "boring". I was surprised, but hey, we all are entitled to our opinions. The reason Jim and I liked it was because of what it represented to us. 

Blue sky... that no matter how dark the clouds, or how stormy the weather, if you get up HIGH enough, there is always blue sky up above the storms.

So that is what I am clinging to now... that up high, above all the emotional storms, there is BLUE SKY. And sooner or later, the clouds will break, and I will get to enjoy it again. :-}

From Dr Phil's book: " Successful people do what unsuccessful people won't... you don't have to like them; you just have to do them."

My verse for today: "Come near to God and he will come near to you."

My quote for today: "If I keep a green bough in my heart, the singing bird will come."  --Chinese proverb

Enjoy the Journey,



midlife_swimmer said...

I like that you listed all those things YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED!!!!!

I wanted to add that when you used the word belief, and seeing results the thought that jumped out at me is the word FAITH which requires you to believe sometimes without visual proof. Are the exercises getting easier? Are you able to work out more often or for longer? Are things like your strength and flexibility getting better? Do you feel better and sleep better? If so, you are still on a steady path to a healthier Loretta. You are amazing!

Ms. PJ Geek said...

I'm glad you posted--worrying about you . I've been checking your blog all day. I totally get needing to "see" the results. You think, 'effort in = results out.' Bummer that the universe doesn't work that way for us, as I am exactly that way too.

Your accomplishment list is incredible. I can't say that I've strung along that many days of "sobriety" in a while. I have to follow the "Progress not Perfection" philosphy.

I believe you will see results. I have faith that you will hang in there. I think this is a temporary body thing that doesn't reflect your efforts.

karen@fitnessjourney said...

It is frustrating when you are doing everything right and not seeing the results that you've worked for. But after reading what you have been doing, it occurred to me that just because you aren't seeing the results on the outside doesn't mean that you aren't getting healthier on the inside. You are doing a lot of good things for all of your body's organs. You may have prevented some problems too.

Deb Willbethin said...

You are so talented. Even your print is impressive. :)

I love the blue sky analogy. A pastor of mine talked about that about 20 years ago and I've never forgotten it. He experienced it personally in Vietnam as he flew.

I guess it is more than saying, "The sun is always shining somewhere." isn't it? It's saying that the sun is always shisning right above my head--I just can't see it! :D I like that.

Maybe one of those sunbeams will break thru and knock some sense into our scales. How 'bout that? hahaha


CinciMom11 said...

BIG, BIG HUGS! Gosh, Loretta, you don't let anything keep you down. I'm so amazed by you and your positive attitude and your drive. You really want this, and it shows! I love that list you made. You should really frame that or something! You are by far the most beautiful person I know, and I am so proud to know you!

cmoursler said...

You know, I agree with karen...maybe something was going on last month with you in a major way and your exercise and eating right prevented a spike in blood pressure or something else?
Imagine what would have happened had you not been adhering to your plan.
Great job.

Kat said...

I am just now catching up on your blog after several days. This post is excellent Loretta. Your attitude is truly inspiring and I am so impressed with your behavior changes - no flour or sugar for a year. That is something to be so proud of. Keep up the good work and the weight will be off next month.

You asked me about the rebounder that I purchased. I narrowed it down to the needak and the rebound air and decided to go with the rebound air because the quarterfold has a harder surface to jump on. It is amazing - so much better than the one I had from sports authority. It came with a couple of dvd's and I will be doing a blog entry about it. I will let you know what I think of the dvd's too. I can tell you this though - I can really bounce on this one. My abs are hurting after my session today...

antgirl said...

Damn. I just typed a reply and Blogger is being a wanker.

Quick recap: Let the light in. Let it fill you up. That list of accomplishments you typed is filled with things to be really proud of. Maybe it's not showing up where you want to see it as fast as you want to see it. But if you keep at it, it will. Promise. :)

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