Thursday, February 25, 2010

DAY 200 Just Thinkin...

Hello Journal & Friends,

I visited a blog recently, Ornamental, that affected me deeply. Not a weight loss blog... it is more a "creative" blog. Nina shares her artistic pursuits, and also writes of her daily creative and personal life, and inner thoughts. 

I tried to contact her for permission to show you a bracelet she made that I fell in love with, but haven't heard back. Here are the words that she incorportated into that bracelet:

But what grabbed my attention originally was Nina's response to a scathing critical comment she had received. The commenter denounced Nina's use of I, me, and mine in her writing... and informed Nina that it was not all about HER, that she was spoiled and selfish, etc etc.

I loved the Nina's answer: this was her blog, sharing her inner thoughts and feelings, and of COURSE it would contain I, me, and mine. How could it not?? 

And she shared her own inner truth, her experience of her creative life, and her determination to live and share ALL that life brings, both the joyous and the painful. She felt life was rich, a circus, and refused to write an insipid, phoney blog.

That was the part that grabbed me: that word INSIPID.

It exploded inside me... revealing a whole host of emotions hidden within.

INSIPID represents all that I do NOT want to be... shallow and stale. Colorless and drab. Trite and anemic. Bland and boring. Wishy-washy and lifeless. SHALLOW.

And I'm not just talking about this blog... I felt her words penetrate me deeply, to include my LIFE. I want so much to live the FULL, rich life that I have missed out on. To experience the full tapestry that life can be... rich with color and shape and texture and deepness...

Being so overweight can sideline you from life... you watch it go by, hurting on  the inside, longing... wishing... hoping... not daring to believe... seeing opportunites slip by... hiding your real feelings...

Over the years your own dreams slowly shrink... smaller and smaller... you even feel foolish talking about them to anyone... embarrassed... and few people listen anyway... you are mercilously judged by outward appearances...

You know from remarks and glances how you are perceived. They don't see you as having depth, like a treasure chest just waiting to be opened, full of beauty and treasure to offer up... we are all like that, for those with eyes to see...

Then, one day, the miracles start. Something, someone, some influence, finally  all begin to coalesce inside you... it is your turn. 

It is your time.

It does not "just happen". Yes, it starts... and you can't even say where the "spark" came from... you are just grateful it came. You thank God. 

But then it is handed to YOU... to nourish and grow with hard work and commitment... or... to let it slip away, AGAIN, maybe never to come your way again.

You think... this might be my last chance. And I WILL NOT LET THIS SLIP AWAY. I am grabbing on this time, and NOTHING, NO ONE, NO CIRCUMSTANCE will take this from me.

You accept that the responsibility has been handed to you. Yes, you pray for strength and guidance. But no more cop-outs... no more "oh I am just so humble, and I can't do it, I am so weak, and so God is just going to have to do it for me" crap. 

No more dodging accountability for your choices. No more excuses. This time you say "I have been given everything I need to do this", and now you accept the mantle... you accept the responsiblity for your own success or failure. 

You know now that you can choose to succeed, or you can give in and take the easy way out... the familiar way... the less scarey and safe way. The way you always took when pressure or pain or fear or uncertainty presented themselves... you ran back to the familiar, to safety, to your place of hiding, of escape... to the food. 

But not this time. 

Never again. You step out in faith, not knowing exactly how to do this, but knowing this is YOUR time. And you want to live this life you have been given to it's fullest... and at last be able to open your treasure chest and offer up what has been hidden there all the time.

Those who have not experienced the powerful, vise-like grip that an addiction can have on one, cannot possibly understand... they would write this off as melodramatic, self-dulgent drivel. I no longer care what "they" think. 

I am listening to a different drummer now... I am choosing to take this gift of Time and live with Passion and Purpose, becoming who I was meant to be.

From Dr Phil's book: "When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences."

My verse for today: "The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life."

My quote for today: "I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy." --Og Mandino

Enjoy the Journey,



Debbie said...

WOW! Beautifully written as always!

I love this line "And you want to live this life you have been given to it's fullest... and at last be able to open your treasure chest and offer up what has been hidden there all the time."

I feel the excitement that comes with finding a buried treasure within myself and I can feel and hear it in your words.

And in response to the critics - call me spoiled, selfish, etc....but my journey is all about me!

Sheilagh (60 x60) said...

What an amazing post, it has reached deep inside me and shook something up. Oh boy what have you done to me?

Leslie said...

this is a beautiful post. You remind of that when the deep desire to life fully and freely manifests within, it is an amazing gift that may or may not come again. For me to squander it with bad choices and impulsive decisions in the heat of the moment is to deny the gift. Like you - I want to sieze this day, this choice, this life ande to make it, and myself, all that I want them to be. Thanks so much for this.

Fiona said...

Wonderful post!!

Anonymous said...

Hey, Loretta! A post full of passion! Just like you--and mercy and grace, too. :)

I don't know what was wrong with that commenter.

Although people write blogs for many reasons, I think the "Journal Blog" is the truest, most valuable use of this little space. A blog that is deep and thoughtful and real. A blog that is a journal of the writer's thought processes and working outs.

Fluff, I can get on TV. Real life is found here.

This post spoke to me. It is what I want for my life, too. I would rather be criticized for being too intense or serious or idealistic than to be rewarded for being shallow and sacharin.

haha. I'll stop now--but you revved up my engine, girl, you did!

Buried treasure distribution, here we come! :D


CinciMom11 said...

Wow, what a powerful post! You brought tears to my eyes, Loretta. There were parts I read five or six times just to let them sink in. You really have a knack for writing, sharing your feelings, and touching other people's lives in the process.

Also, I'm happy you found Ornamental.

cmoursler said...

anonymous sounds bitter.

And amen to this post.
grab on and don't let go loretta, you will get there.
here is to living life to it's fullest.
YOu only get one go round.

antgirl said...

You shout that, sister! Keep shouting it! The feeling only gets stronger. I promise you, amazing things start to happen with that attitude. It was maybe a little over 2 years ago I quit caring what other people think. It only matters what I think. What I think shines in my eyes. People respond to that.

Remember that whatever crap someone says to you, that it's not really about you but their own issues and insecurities. When we're down, we're more vulnerable.

Glad to see you learning this lesson. Glad to see you standing up and find your time in the sun. It's a wonderful place to be [even with rejection-love]. So what about the other crap. It doesn't matter. Life is short. Live it.

You'd probably kick my ass in a tae-bo duel. LOL

Patsy said...

Thanks for this post! Now all I have to do is stop feeling so guilty about talking about 'me' in the comments I leave! lol

Love your blog - it really is 'food for thought'!

anne h said...

I am impressed - and feel myself changing along with you -
What a pleasant surprise!

Juneau Rebecca said...

Hey Retta. I usually come by every few days and read a few posts at a time, but I wanted to comment on this one because it really hit home for me, too. Thank you for writing it. -Becca

Ms. PJ Geek said...

I read this at 5:30 am and didn't comment because I didn't know what to say. This is so profound . It's exactly right.

Joanne said...

Loretta what a beautiful post - I know I can always depend on you to show me how strong we can be. Thanks for being the most uninsipid (is that a word) blogger I know!!!

Rettakat said...

I want to thank everyone for your positive comments... I am glad you benefited from this post. It was actually hard to write. It was one of those unplanned ones... a pouring out, an exposing of the heart, being vulnerable, and wondering if anyone would "get it". I am so glad to feel accepted... received... understood.

And a special hug to my niece, Becca.

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