Day 61 of ReStart, Friday Oct 9, 09
Good Afternoon, Journal!
As this week rolled on, I had the nagging feeling something was wrong...but I didn't know WHAT.
Monday was great...got so much done and was tickled and feeling so gooood about it! I only had one thing that didn't get finished.
Tuesday was pretty good...but didn't get a couple of things done, and still had that one left-over from Monday...
Wednesday came, and I was starting to feel pressured...how am I going to get all this done?? The whole idea was to get caught up, not end up MORE behind than ever...
Thursday arrived, and was a disaster from the start. By evening, I was tired and in pain...feeling stressed and pressured... hungry... frustrated ...embarrassed... resentful... scared I would get out of control again.... I was SURE something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. And again, I ate too much.
As I lay in bed last night, TRYING to be grateful...I found myself whining to God instead of thanking Him. Good thing God has big shoulders! He can take it...In fact, after I unloaded on Him, I got something back...right as I started to drift off to sleep, I suddenly saw clearly just what had gone wrong with my week. It was so simple, why didn't I see it sooner??!
It was: TOO MUCH, TOO FAST....for ME.
I had all these big goals that my HEAD wanted to accomplish, but my BODY couldn't keep up with. In other words:
....a sure way to set yourself up for guaranteed failure!!
I mean, I am still in a wheelchair most of the time, for crying out loud! I fell into the same trap I tripped over in the past, that of comparing myself to others, and trying to "keep up." When am I going to learn?! (slaps hand to forehead!)
I didn't want to post this...I wanted to quietly "fix it" and not record this mistake to be set in stone for all of eternity. But...at the beginning, I promised to be honest. Sigh...So there it is...my big boo boo.
The positive thing is...once a problem is identified, it can be worked on! So, I am re-working my plan to get all caught up. Maybe I need to include one key ingredient: PATIENCE. Hmmm...ya think??
In working on my new plan, I decided not to make the classic mistake of not making time for FUN stuff! If I am wimp, then so be it. But I need something fun right now each day to look forward to...yep, I am 58 and still haven't grown up yet! ha ha ha
I thought about something that I just started doing recently, and it has been so much fun...a blast..so I plan to continue. I am a volunteer assistant, sort of amateur editor if you will, to an author! It is so much fun getting to assist someone with so much talent! She is currently uploading her first novel, The Complex, online. Anyone who wishes to follow along, chapter by chapter, can do so for free. The author is...ahem...my very own sister, Karen Elizabeth Brown. She is an R.N. (registered nurse), so her writing is laced with medical stuff, plus what I would call techno/mystery/futuristic, with a hint of fantasy...I mean, did you know there was an island off the coast of Oregon??!!!!
Anyway, it is so much fun for me to read the story, because I am getting to read it for the first time as we put it online, in serial form. Here is Karen's site: Musings, Memos, and Melancholy.
From Dr Phil's book: "Start behaving in ways that make you feel really good about yourself."
My verse for today: "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
My quote for today: "Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the nonpharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality."--John W Gardner
Enjoy the Journey,