But What if I WANT to give up??

Been sick.

Not sleeping well.

Ready to give up.

DID give up... stopped trying... what's the use?

Went to doctor.

Got medicine.

Finally SLEPT well.

Feeling better.

Gee... maybe this giving up thing is not such a good idea.

Ya think?!

Reminder to self (and anyone else who happens to read this):

Good Sleep is our friend! 

Good Sleep is a good thing.

Good Sleep is to be protected, planned for, prioritized, FOUGHT for.

A good night's sleep, done over and over, will change how our brains function!

Like, giving us the energy to try once again. 

To hope once again. 

To believe once again.

I was making up answers in my head to my doctors usual question he always asks: "How are you today?" 

I was all set to answer honestly with: I just feel like giving up.

The day before my appointment I saw a little sketch by a fellow artist, done of her bestie in the kitchen cutting up onions. The smiling lady was wearing a cheerful apron and funny "onion goggles".... and was on oxygen, connected to a tank. The caption read:

No matter how you feel:

Get up

Dress up

Show up

and

Never Give Up

I cried when I read that. 

I wanted to agree. 

I wanted to WANT to agree. 

But I was so exhausted, so wiped out, I just "wished" I could agree.

Now, after a 9 solid hours of sleep, I can smile and agree.

I think sometimes it's not just all "mental", but physical too.

Get yer ZZZZZZZZZ's! :-)

Happy Sleeping,

Loretta

Christmas!

Just a quick note to send out a 

Merry Christmas 

to all who celebrate this special day. 

May your stockings be full of 

Peace, Joy and Hope. 

Joy for the Journey,

Loretta

NOV 12th No No No NO NO NO!!

yes........ yes...... yes.....yes.... yes.

But I don't WANNA be a student again. 

To have to do more reading, studying, learning, measuring, weighing, and focusing on this Weight Loss Thing. Yet again. 

Do. Not. Want. To.

Well... that's life. We don't always get what we want. 

Having gone through a crummy year, healthwise, has forced me to look for answers. I suppose if I wanted to be Chirpy Positive, I could call that the silver lining. Or as Michael Beckwith calls it, the Blessing (from his teaching of Looking for the Blessin or the Lesson in all of Life's Circumstances).

So.  I haven't given up, I was just tired of writing about it. Had no answers, just questions and problems. 

And then some kind soul (sorry, can't give credit since I didn't write down the name) suggested a link to a Facebook group that was "different". 

And they were. And they were incredibly supportive and helpful. And I think I just might be, finally, coming out of the "sick" tunnel and into the light... soon, very soon. :-}

Background: sick for months last winter; some of the food and medications advised to eat had sugar; craving monster awakened; then heart trouble; then tests; horrible sleep; more tests; massive infection in teeth; dental surgery, all remaining teeth removed; complications, 2 more dental surgeries scheduled; no "teeth" til next spring; hard to get adequate nutrition; finally oxygen added to cpap at night; yay, better sleep.

Repeat: better sleep. I can't begin to describe how much better just getting that made me feel. Half of my heart is not able to do it's job now while I sleep, and the oxygen is giving it relief, so I am getting deep, restorative sleep now. Blessed sleep!

I finally wanted to "try" again. I cared again. I didn't feel despair, but hope started to glow again. Like a tiny ember you carefully blow on to get going again, until the fire is finally burning stronger and stronger.

Back to the new Facebook group that was "different". 

Again, background needed for this to make sense: I've been doing low carb now for years; read the science; believed it; it worked; I lost weight; kept it off - mostly - for the first time in life. But kept getting stuck. Things shifted in the low carb community, and Fat became king, over protein. Low carb/high fat was promoted as THE way. People started promoting Fat Bomb recipes and bragging as to how they would drown their meal in sticks of butter. I had red flags, sure. But I figured they were the experts, and surely knew more than ME.

And it DID work. In the short run. And especially for those younger, healthier, and more physically active.

But I'm ME. I am NOT younger, healthier, and physically active. So when all that Stuff hit me earlier this year, I tanked. I started gaining at a ridiculous rate, and the only answer the high fat crowd had was "eat more fat".

Eating more healthy fat took away hunger, yes, absolutely. But at the cost of eating enough protein to heal my broken body. At the cost of healthy nutrition. And you can lose weight, especially at first. But was it fat loss? Or was it fat AND muscle loss?

I had so many questions.

So in desperation, I clicked on that suggested link to the "different" low carb group. The one that believes that the body needs protein to repair and be healthy, to lose weight and build muscle and support thyroid. All that jazz. And that if you still have your own "supply of body fat" you wish to lose, then you don't need to be going crazy with smothering your meals with sticks of butter.

"Fat burning is turned on by carbohydrate restriction. And eating Optimal Protein is a KEY to build health and metabolism." 

--Raymund Edwards

Yes, they believe in eating healthy fats. But they teach how to moderate that according to your goals: 

• Lots to lose = eat less healthy fat. 
• Want to maintain = eat moderate healthy fats. 
• Want to gain = eat healthy fats at the high end of the chart.

• But ALWAYS eat the right amount of protein for YOU, to be healthy, protect metabolism and build muscle.

They have an easy reference chart to help get you started. And they were/are incredibly patient with all my newbie questions... which are ongoing! (not claiming to have any answers here, so please don't ask ME nuthin... am still learning myself).

The focus of this group is to be HEALTHY, not lose the weight at a record pace. Weight loss can be achieved many ways, but losing fat and keeping your muscle mass - or even growing it - is a whole different animal.

It was encouraging to have a few answers, and a path to follow. It's taken months to get this de-railed train back on the tracks! My progress is slow, but at least it's in the right direction once again. Finally.

So... I am a student. Again. 

But I also have hope. I have not given up. Came close, yes indeedy. So I'm grateful for a few answers to my prayers.

And for anyone else who is struggling, who finds their current way of eating has conked out on them and no longer works, may I suggest at least considering another stab at it, with a shift in emphasis? 

From weight loss first TO Health first, and then the weight loss will follow. From high fat/moderate protein, TO moderate fat/high protein. 

And yes, this group will answer all your questions. The same ones I had, such as "what about gluconeogenesis?" (too much protein turning to glucose) and "but so-and-so-the-expert says to lose fat you need to eat MORE fat?", etc etc.

Here is the link to said group: Optimal Ketogenic Living (OKL)

If you decided to join, just put in a request to join; it's a closed group, which is good. It keeps out the riff raff (spammers, trolls and argue-ers).

I don't claim they are perfect, but if you go there with a teachable heart, I believe they will fall all over themselves to help you. Really, they've been very kind and encouraging to me. Be ready to do some reading, to at least re-consider some stuff.

And please DO read the links they offer, to assure yourself of the hard science behind it. Well, as far as we can know for now, that is. We are always learning and discovering. At the top of the site is a "pinned" post, with tons of info. You've got nuthin else to do, right?? ;-)

I know this is long and dense, and not "entertaining". But I felt it's important, and if it helps someone else, then I'm happy with that. :-)

And if you got this far, I applaud you! And thank you for visiting me, even though I rarely post now.

Keep hope alive in the journey,

Loretta

AUG 23rd Enough is Enough!

Today, I write what I know. Not what I've read. Not what I've heard others say. But what I KNOW.

Here's what I know:

I know there are times I am too hard on myself.

I know there are other times I am too easy on myself.

And I know I vacillate all along that spectrum, from too easy to too hard, depending on what outcome I want to get. Yep... I manipulate the system! I tend to think that's kinda normal for most of us, actually.

But I'll speak for myself. It's time I stopped being too easy on myself. I mean, poor me, it's been so hard. A painful surgery, where the novocaine and versed wouldn't take. They finally dumped in valium to the mix just to get me out. Fine with me, I was tired of the pain. I was supposed to be "out" and yet I'm hearing them and feeling it... aarrgghh!

When I woke up, I had no more teeth and 2 new implant posts. The first week was torture. I'm okay now, physically.

But I was surprised at how devastating it was to look into a mirror. "But that's not me!!" It will be months before all is finished, and my new "teeth" are finished. My dentist and surgeon said my case was "complicated", and wanted me to heal awhile before impressions and dentures were made. Sigh... okay, whatever.

Ha ha, little did I know. This has ripped at the heart of who I thought I was. Inside, I don't feel like I look. Jim has been so kind. He took off work for a week to help out, and has been emotionally supportive. Even when I bit his head off! Poor guy...

I finally realized why I was feeling so resentful and frustrated. It had to do with food. Naturally.  I eat low carb. I LIKE the way I eat. It's nutritious and delicious, and has allowed me, for the first time in my life, to keep off (with some bumps along the way) the weight I lose.  And now, even that diet is out the window. It's got to be all liquid/soft/melt in your mouth stuff. And this is it for quite awhile. Oh sure, liquids can be low carb. I'm talking steak, or a hamburger, or crunchy veggies... all the good stuff is out.

I'm working hard to get in adequate nutrition, but it's hard to keep it balanced. And I resented it!!! 

I pouted. 

I cried. 

I felt sorry for myself.

I indulged.

I was too easy on myself. "Oh poor me" was my excuse.  Between the hunger, the pain and the self-pity, I was a mess!  

So I endulged. If you could blend it up, I did. Oh, not sugar, I've learned my lesson there. But too much "on plan" food is still gonna get you fat!! Oh the games we play in our heads.

Time to require more of myself. Time to go forward. Time to keep going.

Recently I read again that quote from Winston Churchill:

"If you're going through hell, 

keep going."

I'm going. I'm going.

I'm off the heavy duty painkillers. I'm playing again with my art. I'm making future plans. I even, once in a while, think of someone else besides myself. (ha ha, you think I'm joking...)

Whether you are on the Up side or the Down side of life.... keep going. 

Just keep going.

Feeling thankful,

Loretta

July 7th I Can Do Better

What's that emo we see on the interwebs? Face palm?

(photo credit)

That's what I feel like doing today. I JUST finished visting a blog I read once in a blue moon. And scrolling down past posts, one jumped out and smacked me right between the eyes. The post title is: 

How to Succeed at Weight Loss 

(And Anything Else) 

(Link to whole post Here) 

Sounds like an infomercial, right? But here's the thing... the blog writer, Bryan Ganey, has lost nearly 400 pounds, no surgery. 

You read that right: LOST 400 lbs. So, I have to give the man some respect, and at least be open to new ideas.

But that was the problem. What he went on to say was NOT a new idea to me. Ouch... it was all too familiar, in fact.

I looked up from the computer screen, and saw the little yellow sticky note I had stuck where I could see it every day. It was slightly curling at the edges, and dated 7/30/12.  I felt rather... I don't know... foolish feels about right... as I read it:

Make a Schedule... and FOLLOW IT!

Make a Menu.........and FOLLOW IT!

Yep, it was exactly what Bryan Ganey had posted about. Exactly.  Have a routine, and then follow it. Sigh...

The problem is, without the "doing" part, having a cute little sticky note with good advice doesn't do a bit of good. If I had taken CONSISTANT ACTION when following the instructions on that sticky note, I would have been at my goal weight now, and a lot healthier.

Consistent Action. That sounds familiar to me, too, as I type it out. Must've done a post about that, too. :-}

I've kept a daily "to do" list for decades. 

Planned my projects.

Made lists.

Made plans.

And here I sit, admitting it is just wasted ink without the follow through.

I can do better.

I can follow through. Like Mr Ganey writes, if we do that day after day after day... we will eventually see results. It will add up. 

I know I've written about this before. I've even "tried" before. But I think we must learn in layers... in levels. Hard to explain. But maybe we just have to ready for that next step. Be willing for that next step.

I'm not going to get all jazzed up and write out yet another plan or list or program. I've done all that. I'm just going to DO the part I haven't been consistent in doing:

FOLLOW IT.

I highly recommend Mr Ganey's post. Very good kick in the tush if you are struggling.

Never quit,

Loretta

JULY 1ST Flashbacks & Facebook Attacks

Sitting here shaking my head at myself. Not with disgust, but more with a sort of compassionate amusement. Hope that makes sense. I'm a lot more kinder to myself these days than I used to be. People around me should be glad... cuz I also tend to be kinder towards THEM now, too. :-)

Anyway, it all started with a comment I read yesterday in a Facebook group I belong to (won't say which one). A new guy pulled out his "MD" credentials, and proceeded to say snarky mean stuff about someone I highly respect in the low carb world. 

He made his harsh judgment based SOLELY on a photo of said person. A photo!! He proceeded to defend his expert ability to make such evaluations based upon scant evidence because he was a medical doctor. Say what??!!

I admit it... I fumed. I fussed. I talked to my computer. MyGuy said he was a troll, and don't give him the attention he wanted and he would go away. 

I waited. 

But the next day, the conversation was still on, and I gave in and joined it. Here's what I wrote, minus the names involved:

"Have to admit I was really pissed off at [******'s] arrogant and harsh judgmental comment re [*****]. And THEN to justify it by claiming to be an expert at analysis with little information??? I wanted to box his ears in defense of [*****].

I am sooo tired of that kind of attitude. I started out at a higher weight myself. Years later, and doing LCHF, I've LOST 159 lbs, with more to go. But if someone like [******], who claims to be an MD, looked at my photo, I would still get the same harsh judgement, based soley on looks, as [*****] did!! He would still call me "substantially overweight, poorly muscled... with metabolic dysfunction." Well, DUH??!! 

One who started out very large WILL have more challenges. Come on, applaud [*****] for being physically active, continuing to learn and experiment at what could work for him, and for generously sharing his info with us. [*****] is a class act. [******].... not so much. Ban him? Not my call. I'd say let [*****] decide!"

(A little weird with names blanked out, but that's out of respect for privacy)

I could have said a lot more, but it's Facebook, ya know? Short and sweet. I was still thinking of the whole attack earlier today, as I was thumbing through an old journal I used to keep. And guess what I read, from 1996.

That's 18 years ago.

I had been making a "must do" list that I felt I had to learn to do in order to be successful at this weight loss thing. Further down on the page I wrote:

1) Decide you are willing to do whatever is necessary to change your life, no matter what, no excuses.

 2) Decide how hard you are willing to work, which will determine how long it will take you to reach your goal.

Blush.... did I mention that was 18 years ago?

I'm still here, plugging away. I know I believed that when I wrote it. But I didn't have a clue HOW to do it. How to implement those great ideas. Obviously "just do it" didn't work for me. So, here I am, still learning. Still working on it. 

I don't think I realized how deep I'd have to go, how deep I needed to change. Or maybe how hard it was going to be to change from the INSIDE out. Oh, I'd lost weight before, and regained it back and then some. But I knew I wanted true and permanent change this time.

The above "MD" guy on Facebook who slammed my low carb friend doesn't have a clue how hard it can be for an exceptionally large person. I mean, you don't get REALLY large without having really large inner problems that need addressing. 

WAIT, let me say that differently. Because it's not about the numbers. I've learned that ANYONE who finds it a real struggle to change must have really large inner problems. And that can take time. Sometimes lots of time. 

Falling down on our face and getting up Time.

Getting discouraged and having to gather up our courage to try again Time.

Making mistakes until we find the right way for US Time.

Learning to treat ourselves with respect, love and kindness Time.

Just... lots of Time.

So please, be patient with yourself and never give up.

Is it awful of me to be glad that others in that Facebook group came out swinging in defense of their low carb buddy at the unfair judgment?? (I don't think so... )

Never quit,

Loretta

JUNE 17th Ups n Downs, But Never Give Up

It's been a long time since I've been so overwhelmed with temptation that I took something out of the garbage and ate it. 

Oh... you've never done that?? Then you don't understand true food addiction. Addiction to the way eating something can make you feel. 

The temporary lift 

The temporary escape 

The temporary hit to the pleasure center in the brain

I didn't do it this time, but the urge was powerful and I came close. Too close.

You see I, myself, opened the door to be set up for it. A relative came into town and brought dinner. Included was some "crack cocaine"... aka... fresh baguette bread. 

I had two responses: red flag warning, since in my past I have literally eaten a whole loaf with a stick of butter over the course of one day. And... rationalization. Telling myself it's no big deal, it's family, it's a special occasion, I'll just have a little and be done with it. 

Uh huh. Yep. That's the worst kind of lie, the kind we tell ourself. 

For some people, they could handle "a little bit". But I know my history. And I never should have listened to the lie.

After they left, I had "just one more slice". Then another. Then another... MyGuy came home and caught me having "just one slice". I didn't explain it was just one AFTER ten other "just ones".  In other word, I lied by omission. Sigh... that's a classic sign of an addict hiding their behavior, right??

So, I made sure he saw me throw the rest of the loaf, in it's bag, into the trash can. As if I was oh-so-in-control. Riiiggghhtttt...

The next day I was under more stress from other issues, and was hit with the image of that baguette bread, in the trash but "protected" by it's plastic bag. And for a fleeting second I seriously considered pulling it out and eating it.

I was aghast at myself! I was disgusted, disappointed, and embarrassed that I actually considered doing that.

After all these years. After all those pounds lost so far. And I'm STILL even entertaining doing something like that??!!!!!

Even now, it makes me cry. I wonder if I have changed at all. I wonder if I am just following a "program", yet inside there is no true change.

I once wrote a post (HERE) trying to articulate the differences, as I saw it, in the weight loss experiences of a "smaller" overweight person and a super-sized person (jumbo jet vs cessna). Sure, some things are the same. But some feel different to me.

I started at 460 pounds. The canyons seemed deeper, the mountains seemed higher. Temptation seemed so powerful and hope seemed farther away. Success always felt right around the corner, but just out of reach.

The road, for the super-sized person, can seem soooo long. It's easy to get so very tired of it all. To start thinking compromise. Couched in a "positive" way, of course, like "look how far you've come".  

But it's still settling. 

Still stopping short. 

Still giving up. 

Still buying into the lie that I've come as far as I can, and it's time to get "realistic" and accept that this is IT.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so raw today. I am successfully, finally, back on track, after a few days of struggle. I think it's a deep and powerful response to a blog post I read from Holly, HERE. 

After reading what Holly wrote, I cried, and I felt understood. She's lost 240 pounds and KNOWS the long struggle. Also the pitfalls along the way and even after. The pull of that addiction. The way we rationalize our behavior. The guilt over making selfish choices instead of following our faith, and going to God instead of food. All that.

So... I'm not giving up. I pray for help. I pray for mercy. I pray for encouragement. And I feel grateful that HOPE is real and powerful.

Answer my prayers, O Lord, 

for your unfailing love is wonderful.

Take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful. 

Psalm 69:16

Loretta