Saturday, August 23, 2014

AUG 23rd Enough is Enough!

Today, I write what I know. Not what I've read. Not what I've heard others say. But what I KNOW.

Here's what I know:

I know there are times I am too hard on myself.

I know there are other times I am too easy on myself.

And I know I vacillate all along that spectrum, from too easy to too hard, depending on what outcome I want to get. Yep... I manipulate the system! I tend to think that's kinda normal for most of us, actually.

But I'll speak for myself. It's time I stopped being too easy on myself. I mean, poor me, it's been so hard. A painful surgery, where the novocaine and versed wouldn't take. They finally dumped in valium to the mix just to get me out. Fine with me, I was tired of the pain. I was supposed to be "out" and yet I'm hearing them and feeling it... aarrgghh!

When I woke up, I had no more teeth and 2 new implant posts. The first week was torture. I'm okay now, physically.

But I was surprised at how devastating it was to look into a mirror. "But that's not me!!" It will be months before all is finished, and my new "teeth" are finished. My dentist and surgeon said my case was "complicated", and wanted me to heal awhile before impressions and dentures were made. Sigh... okay, whatever.

Ha ha, little did I know. This has ripped at the heart of who I thought I was. Inside, I don't feel like I look. Jim has been so kind. He took off work for a week to help out, and has been emotionally supportive. Even when I bit his head off! Poor guy...

I finally realized why I was feeling so resentful and frustrated. It had to do with food. Naturally.  I eat low carb. I LIKE the way I eat. It's nutritious and delicious, and has allowed me, for the first time in my life, to keep off (with some bumps along the way) the weight I lose.  And now, even that diet is out the window. It's got to be all liquid/soft/melt in your mouth stuff. And this is it for quite awhile. Oh sure, liquids can be low carb. I'm talking steak, or a hamburger, or crunchy veggies... all the good stuff is out.

I'm working hard to get in adequate nutrition, but it's hard to keep it balanced. And I resented it!!! 

I pouted. 
I cried. 
I felt sorry for myself.
I indulged.

I was too easy on myself. "Oh poor me" was my excuse.  Between the hunger, the pain and the self-pity, I was a mess!  

So I endulged. If you could blend it up, I did. Oh, not sugar, I've learned my lesson there. But too much "on plan" food is still gonna get you fat!! Oh the games we play in our heads.

Time to require more of myself. Time to go forward. Time to keep going.

Recently I read again that quote from Winston Churchill:

"If you're going through hell, 
keep going."

I'm going. I'm going.

I'm off the heavy duty painkillers. I'm playing again with my art. I'm making future plans. I even, once in a while, think of someone else besides myself. (ha ha, you think I'm joking...)

Whether you are on the Up side or the Down side of life.... keep going. 

Just keep going.

Feeling thankful,


The Brown Recluse said...

ha! my first thought was to tell you not to be so hard on know you have to do what you have to do. Me? I gave up.

I am so sorry about the teeth situation! I hope these next weeks zoom by and are pain free, and happen much quicker than they predict! My goodness...who wouldn't do a little pouting/crying/indulging with all that going on??!

Sean Anderson said...

I hold you in the highest regard when it comes to those I've never met in person, yet still care about immensely. I just noticed this post in my blog feed (been a little too busy lately, it seems) and the second I found it, I was like---Yes!!!!! Opening it and reading what you're going through, I feel for heart aches for the pain and emotional trauma of what you've described. The "too hard and too easy" on ourselves is something most of us do on a regular basis-- but if anyone can find a balance, it's you. The Churchill quote is absolutely powerful and applies perfectly. Keep going, because Loretta--better days are ahead for you in so many wonderful ways. My face lit up with a smile when I read about you getting into your art...yes---the secret of happiness is alive in you, my friend. This too shall pass. And your resolve and strength in the face of this is incredibly inspiring. Thank you for being awesomely you. You're tops in my book, always.

FogDog said...

It's amazing, we tend to be most hard on ourselves when we shouldn't be and forgiving when we really need a kick in the ass. Gotta love the way the mind works.

Retta said...

Thanks, Margaret, I hope it goes by fast, too. :-)

Retta said...

I really appreciate your kinds words, Sean. I'm still struggling to "implement" all my lofty big ideas, ha ha. I'm aware, I'm working in that direction. It's interesting, though. The more I give more time to my art, the more I seem to ease up in my struggles a bit. Maybe because I'm doing something that brings me joy, and it sort of bleeds over into other areas. And, takes my focus OFF the hard stuff. :-}

Retta said...

Hi FogDog, I recognized your name from Sean's blog. I remembered that you were doing a re-start of sorts. My best to you!! Thank you for stopping by.

debby said...

Oh Loretta, what a thing to go through! I've had a fair amount of work done on my teeth, and I do believe that tooth/mouth pain is one of the worst! Plus, not being able to eat those things that we enjoy? Double whammy.

When you are feeling better, it would be interesting to hear what healthy options you came up with (your food-obsessed friend wants to know : ) )

And I also am glad you are back to dabbling with your art.

Marion Shaw said...

Hi Loretta, Well, given this situation, I would feel the very same way. I hope your tooth situation goes by as fast as possible, and you feel like yourself again soon. Speedy recovery and dentistry. :-)

Retta said...

Hi Debby, Wish I had a good answer to the "healthy options" question. I just do my best with anything that will essentially dissolve in my mouth. Not a lot of options. I love eggs, but you can get burnt out on something you love if that's your main thing. I've tried mincing stuff fine, but have to be careful, because I've started to have bad heartburn; I guess it's just not "chewed" enough.

I try to have a Greenie shake every day; with frozen fruits and veggies blended up in the Vita Mix, with lots of stuff added. Before the surgery I had made up the Dry Paks into baggies, to grab and add: stevia, inulin, psyllium, dry gelatin, xylitol, chia seeds, kelp powder, sea salt, etc. And the rough cut Fruits n Veggies went into freezer bags into the freezer, various stuff like: carrot, kale, spinach, cucumber, apple, orange, strawberries, celery, pineapple, blueberries, etc. The idea is to try to get vitamins and minerals from natural sources. Then all I have to do is add the Wet Stuff, like: egg yolks (not the whites, which have something that's hard to digest raw, I forget the name), 1 Tblspn MCT oil, EZ Sweetz sweetener, cream, almond milk, any extracts for flavor, a scoop of protein powder, etc.

It's good to have each day, but sometimes you get to where you want to gag if you have one more sweet thing! There's a ton of stuff that I "can" eat but they are sweet, like yogurts and puddings made with healthy ingredients, etc. But sometimes you would KILL for a savory hunk of meat, ha ha ha ha!! At first all I could have was cold liquids, not even soup broth, with caused awful pain from the heat. But now I can have savory broths, if there is nothing in it that has to be chewed (or that I can hit with the stick blender).

Anyway, this too shall pass, yes?? :-)

Retta said...

Thanks, Marion. My appointment for the impressions is this Friday, so hopefully things will finally get a-going. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hey. I've been thinking about you. Praying for you.

Jewish New Year is this week, and if we don't get raptured when those trumpets blow this year, it's a great time for a fresh start.

I certainly need one since I' weigh about the same as I did on January first of this year. (And I don't have the legitimate obstacles you've had, either!)

You know, Loretta, I've done some hard things. I've exercised great self-control and perseverance in truly harsh situations. I have. And, yet, food does me in. [shaking my head in bewilderment] It's not like I don't know what I need to know to do what I need to do. And I certainly have heavenly resources to empower me. And, yet....I don't choose that which is right.

So, it's the the new year and a time for trumpets! Onward and forward, girlfriend, onward and forward.

In Him,


Retta said...

Thanks, Deb.
I didn't notice it's that time again for the new year on the Jewish calendar. I like that...a new year. Last week I found out that due to complications, I need yet another dental surgery, then healing again, before I get "teeth". sigh... Yep, I like the feeling of a fresh, shiny new year. I'll take it!

Mildred Moss said...

It's been a tough few weeks for you, but it's great to see that you've held your ground. You’re right to just keep on going. Adjusting and getting used to your dentures is the next big step for you, and I think you'll do just fine in that department. Good luck!

Mildred Moss @ Dentures Done Right

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