OCT 24th Heartfelt Update

This last Monday my Sweetie and I celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary. 35 years! That translates to over half my life. We looked at each other, and just couldn't believe it. 

In our hearts, we are still those two young lovers holding hands as they walked around the flea market. We stopped at a booth, and Jim bought me a stuffed animal. It was two puppy dogs, their paws held together with velcro. As we left, the vendor saw WE were holding hands, smiled and said: "Puppy love!"

My sister Karen,   in addition to being a writer, is a talented musician. For our wedding, she wrote and sang a song for us. It was a promise from God, and the main line said: "This gift give I to you, to love one another." It went on to promise that even through floods of trouble, our love would never be washed away.

Well, if you think you can make it for 35 years without going through troubles, you haven't been married long! :-)  But, we made it. Neither of us is perfect... far from it. Yet that promise has held, and I think I am finally learning what love really is.

Love is to give without expectancy of return. To love for loves sake alone. A return is just icing on the cake, but it's not the motive for the giving. Love is. Do I DO that all the time?? Nope... but I'm learning.

I'm thankful for that promise all those years ago... that Gift of Love. 

Oh... and I still have that stuffed animal!
Edited to add: I dusted off the puppies and added their Portrait at the beginning of this post. :-D

Cry of My Heart, by Terry Butler

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

Day 1158

SEPT 28th Always Keep Going & Decisions

It's been a hard few days... well, weeks actually. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of tears, lots of soul searching. I'd have a few good on plan days, then go over my calories. Rinse and repeat. 

I finally slowed down, got honest with myself, and listed what the major thorns were, including what I might do about them.

1) I was re-visiting my spiritual roots, and asking a lot of questions, and trying to learn what it really means to do this thing in God's strength, not my own limited supply. I felt like such a failure... Answer: Admit defeat; accept God's compassion, mercy, and grace. Trust in His love. Rest in that love.

2) I was fed up with so many thoughts about ME, and this weight loss struggle, and always feeling like success was just around the corner; it was just out of reach; it was teasing me, illusive and slippery. Answer: see Answer #1 :-}

3) I was frustrated to realize that I was STILL doing the "as soon as" thing with regards to my art. "As soon as this weight thing is solved, I can concentrate on my true passion."  I thought I had gone beyond that, only to find I had fallen right back into the same muck. Answer: change where I spend my time, my energies.

4) My health has been acting up and causing so much physical pain, that I fell into the most deadly of all thinking: self-pity. It drained my energy, and I found myself many times saying "oh what's the use?" Answer: Be honest with my feelings. Remember gratitude. Then go back again to Answer #1

5) And with the health problems, I thought about Time. None of us are guaranteed more Time. And I came to the conclusion I didn't want to spend all my focus on this weight thing. Yes, I will keep going, and working at it. But I am tired of talking about it for now. I want to spend what computer time I have over at my art blog instead. Answer: obvious!  :-D

So I think this (too long) post will be it for awhile here. I was recently asked to join a book project, which was subsequently postponed. But it got me to thinking, and I've decided to close out here with some of those thoughts... it sort of sums it all up:

Fat baby. Fat child. Fat teenager. Fat adult.

Until I started my blog, I rarely talked about it. I smiled. I answered "I'm fine" when asked. But how "fine" can you be when your highest weight was 460 pounds??

Why talk about those early years?? Because they were the foundation. No blaming, simply for understanding. Wearing leg braces due to a birth defect, I first learned to walk as a chunky 3 year old. 

Upset, scared, crying? Food. 

Mad, sad, glad? Food. 

Reward, bribe, celebration? Food. 

You name it, Food was the solution.

This foundation set me up for a lifetime struggle. Not being taught food was for nutrition, but could be a comforter, soother, escape, even friend. That's what I "heard", anyway. How I wish I had been taught a healthy way to process feelings. Instead, I was told "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." 

Except for a couple of teenage attempts when I "dieted" to an almost normal weight, I've spent a LIFETIME with this weight thing. It invaded, affected and tainted EVERYTHING. I was put on my first "diet" at age 10, which taught me I was viewed differently, even by adults. 

I felt like a target. Cruel words and treatment, based upon external appearance, cut deeply. It was hard to develop self-confidence when I was constantly made to feel I was "less than." 

I've loved art as long as I can remember. But didn't believe in myself enough to seriously pursue it until recently. Have I mentioned I am 61 years young?? I may be a late bloomer, but I now want to bloom audaciously!! 

Yet when asked to join this project, I was embarrassed and ready to decline. I did NOT feel worthy of it! I've been struggling a LIFETIME, and yet am still not to goal. As of this writing, I have lost over 100 pounds, but am still barely even halfway there!

Then it hit me. I DO have something to say. ONE THING! The most important lesson I've learned along the way:

 NEVER QUIT. 

Ever. No matter what. 

Always ALWAYS 

keep going. 

Over the years I've tried or wanted to try just about everything, including weight loss surgery. But my insurance denied coverage. Which turned out a blessing in disguise, because losing that last hope made me desperate enough to be willing to change.  I had lost weight repeatedly in my life... but never kept it off. It always came back, and then some. I didn't want another diet. I wanted true inner change. 

For my lastest attempt in 2009, I had a simple plan: 1) Don't eat sugar or flour 2) Do some kind of exercise 3) Positive mental input, all on the foundation of my relationship with God.

That's it. Nothing complicated, and I tailored it for me. I could have anything, anytime, as long as it wasn't sugar or flour, which affects my blood sugar. Going sugar-free/gluten-free removed the insane physical cravings, giving me a fighting chance. Now I concentrate on the mental/spiritual issues. I have some medical issues that I have to work around, but this change made it possible for the first time in my life to KEEP OFF the pounds lost, with an occasional bit of bouncing. I know for it to be permanent, I have to change INside. My progress has been turtle slow, but I have hope and determination. 

Do I ever want to give up in frustration or discouragement? Yes! But feeling like doing something and DOING it are two different things. My source of strength is my relationship with God. He has never given up on me, so I won't either. Period. 

We all have the ability to choose. Sure, I was taught poor coping strategies as a child. But I was the one making those unhealthy choices as an adult. Me. That's GOOD news, because now I can choose to make BETTER choices. 

It's not easy, at for me. I aim for progress, not perfection. I am undoing a LIFETIME of damage, poor habits, early programming, and bad choices. It's been a long, hard road, and it's taken a long time to find pieces to MY puzzle, unique to me. I encourage others to seek what is right for them, and NEVER GIVE UP until they find it. 

My nutritional choices have gradually improved over time. I still struggle with quantities, and have decided to go back to what I did in the beginning: calorie tracking. I've studied and experimented, and that's just what seems to work best for me.

Same with exercise. I've tried lots of way to get movement, believing it's important to my health. My goals include walking again! Building strength, getting lighter, getting out of my wheelchair. It will happen one day, I'm convinced. All I have to do is NEVER QUIT! And a huge part of that relies upon that daily healthy mental/spiritual input. In fact... I'd say most of it.

"Sometime in your life you will go on a journey. It will be the longest journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find yourself." --Katherine Sharp

At 61, I think I am finally finding the real me.

Enjoy the journey,

Loretta

PS: If interested, I invite anyone here to visit me at my Art By Retta blog. That's where I'll be hanging out most of the time, at least for now. 

SEPT 23rd A Thought for Sunday

Just a little something for which I am thankful...

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

Day 1127 

SEPT 14th Coming Full Circle

I recently spent a little time reading some of my own back posts.  It hit me two ways: both ENcouraging and DIScouraging. I get to choose which one to embrace!

See, I thought by now I would surely be at my goal. So when I read some of those older, positive, confident and upbeat posts, sometimes I cringe a little bit. Okay, a lot! I battle  thoughts that say:

 

See? You are all mouth, no action.

See? You thought you had some answers, and really don't. They are only pieces to the puzzle.

See? You are kidding yourself. It's too late, you'll never get there.

See? You are losing ground physically. The clock is ticking, and before you fix one problem, you get a new one.

So, I answer each of those attacks. Some days that's easier than others, to be honest.

Here is one example,  from my post about a year ago.  

It was about a meltdown I had, and how it was resolved thanks to some kind words from MyGuy. And the quote I used at the end once again hit me hard:

 "Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality.." --John W Gardner

Ouch! A whole year has passed, yet I feel no farther down the road than that post!

Photo by Jenny Kaczorowski

On to this one,  written around the same time. 

I talked about treating myself with respect; attitude; not settling; I am worth it... 

The post was hard enough to read, but then blamo! I get smacked with my own quote yet again! This one from Muhammed Ali, who knows a little something about struggle, overcoming, and victory:

"Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them--a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill." 

And there it is. In that last sentence. "The will must be stronger than the skill." 

And I come full circle back to my source of strength, to DO that will. To make those good choices. To choose to be encouraged, uplifted and keep going, no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT.

And here it is, the last quote from that page that reminded me of HOW to do the DOING part:

"I lift up my eyes to the hill-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."

Photo by Melissa Bowersock

Today, I am encouraged. 

Today, I embrace gratitude.

Today, I decided not to bash myself for not being at my goal yet.

Today, I choose to embrace hope and determination.

And who knows... by the end of the day, I might even FEEL it! 

:-}

Enjoy the journey (it's better than the alternative!)

Loretta

Day 1118 

AUG 30th My Choice & My Bracelet

Some people call it delusional.

Some people call it pollyanna.

Some people call it spin.

Some people call it denial.

I call it MY CHOICE  to view the world with optimism and hope.

I call it MY CHOICE as to which colored glasses I will view the world:

Dark and dismal... or... light and bright and open to possibilities.

My belief: optimists have more fun

(Joey always has a party goin' on!)

We optimists may have the same amount of junk hit us as everybody else, but we choose not to wallow in it or stay focused on it. Learn and move on is my current mantra.

We choose to focus on things for which to feel thankful.

"Our ultimate freedom is the right and power 

to decide how anybody or anything 

outside ourselves will affect us." 

--Stephen Covey

All this "choice" talk brings me to the other part of this post: my bracelet came! 

In my sidebar is a pic of Sean Anderson's book (which I totally loved) called Transformation Road (can click on the book to go to his website). 

Sean is the real deal. He's not some slick phoney out to sell you a manufactured "story" just to make a buck. I've followed his journey ever since I started my blog, about 3 1/2 years ago, and I trust his heart and his motives. Sean lost about 280 lbs, and is passionate about encouraging others that they, too, can choose to change.

Sean made it. He busted out of his self-made mental shackles and CHANGED. He CHOSE to change, before the change came and chose him.  

That's his mantra: 

Choose change 

before change chooses you.

So as you can see, Sean is big on this idea of Choice. I clicked with that right away. I may not be as lickety-split fast on this journey as he was (ha ha, what an understatement!), but I understand what he's saying, and agree. That's why when he offered his leather bracelets recently, I snapped one up from his website HERE!  

Here's mine:

It's stamped with: I'M CHOOSING CHANGE

I rarely buy or wear bracelets because they are usually too small. Heck, who needs to be reminded that they still have a fat wrist, right?! Well, Sean made his bracelet a generous adjustable length, and it fits great! If you're dinkier than me, you could even wear it as an anklet, LOL!

It's just a little tangible reminder to make those good choices. Yes, I struggle at times. I lose focus and zone out. Or get discouraged and lose sight of my goal. So this is a good thing for me to wear. It reminds me I am NOT a victim. I DO have a choice. And I will never EVER quit, til I get there.

Thanks, Sean... I love my bracelet!

My book quote for today: "What you persistently think eventually but inevitably crystallizes into the words you speak and then the things you do." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart."

My quote for today: "You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself." --Jim Rohn

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1103

AUG 27th Quotes & Chris Has Struck Again!

I love quotes. I can't remember a time when I did NOT enjoy them. They are like distilled wisdom. So naturally I have little scraps of paper around my studio with some of my favorites scrawled on them. Some are so old, they are faded and hard to read. (click on any pics to enlarge)

One favorite place I stick them on is a kitchen tool caddy that I use in my studio for my colored pencil collection, plus other assorted junk.

You know how when you have something up so long, that you eventually don't even "see" it?? Well, yesterday morning I glanced at my tool twirlie, and two words caught my eye: the amateur

The paper this quote was on had faded so badly--it's probably been taped up there 15 years!--that I had inked over those two words to see them better. I had to get up close to read the REST of that quote:

"The artistic temperament

is the indulgence

of the amateur."

--G K Chesterton

Huh! It struck me that the truth of that quote is not only for the "artist". But for all endeavors. Like... oh let me think...hmmm... weight loss endeavors!! 

No, not a deep or new thought. But it just struck me yesterday, and reminded me that it doesn't matter in the slightest how I FEEL. Strong, determined, optimistic, spiritual, hopeful... or discouraged, weak, frustrated, annoyed or skeered. 

Doesn't matter. 

Doesn't matter in the sense that I don't have to be sitting around waiting for the right feeling to come along, for me to be working on making the right choices in the meantime. If I want to be successful at this thing, then even while I'm still trying to get my ducks all in a row, I can't indulge in the "temperament of the amateur".

Even while I iron out the wrinkles, I need to be working on making healthy choices. Chris at A Deliberate Life  recently had a post that really affected me. So much so, that I didn't leave a comment for days!! Some things you just have to chew longer before you can swallow them, ya know?!  :-}  

Does she have all the answers? All her bugs worked out perfectly?? I doubt it. But Chris decided she wasn't satisfied with "mediocrity" any longer. She is ready to make a hard push. She said she will work out the rest of the details later. She said that for NOW, "I am capable of more."

Sometimes we need a kick in the tush to shake up our point of view! I had always said that whatever I do, it has to be for life. I've gone on and off hundreds of "diets" over the years, and I was done with that. Well... Chris offered a different point of view about that. And it made me at least stop and think, and consider that sometimes it's okay to shake things up! 

I mean... if a guy was out in the ocean drowning, you wouldn't sit in your little boat and lecture him on how to swim, because after all, it's a skill he'd need for life. You throw him a life ring! And worry about swimming lessons later. Right or wrong in my interpretation, that's how what Chris wrote struck me.

So! Hard as it is to stick my neck out there and once again declare a "goal"... I am joining Chris in her determination at making a HARD PUSH. It's time. I need it. I don't plan to stop my other lines of focus, since the REAL change is on the inside. But I'm drowning here!! I need to swim NOW!!

It's Hard Push time. It's hit me hard that as of today, it's been 1100 days since I started this blog. And I'm still not to my goal. I can let that kick me DOWN, or I can choose to let it kick me UP.  I'm choosing UP.

Want a kick in your tush?? Go read Chris' post. Pretty good stuff. :-)

My book quote for today: "With  high levels of mental discipline, you'll reach your goals faster, upgrade your potential for joy, and become a lot more fun to be around. When you keep your thoughts fixed on God, the things of God will naturally permeate your life, and thus your goals will be in line with his will..." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

My quote for today: "Becoming realistic is the most common path to mediocrity." --Will Smith

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

Day 1100

AUG 24th A Little Tweaking

Awhile back I bought a little book titled The 4:8 Principle. Good book! And I get occasional email newsletters from the author, Tommy Newberry.

Today I got one that was super! Just a tweak... a new perspective, a seemingly little idea, but with big consequences. It was probably in his book, and I missed it. 

First, here's the link to the whole article, which I highly recommend. I've been thinking about Joy AND Focus the last few days, and of course, that was his topic. Hmmm, no wonder it stuck out to me. 

In a nutshell, I think I sort of had the cart before the horse. 

And since the latest blogging BUZZ has been about getting sued (!) over using pics from online sources, I ripped out my own quickie illustration, LOL!!

Anyway, I realized I've been focused on the END of the process, the behavior I wanted. The outcome, the success, the victory. 

And Tommy says to focus, instead, on the START of the process. To quote from the article:

"Whatever we emphasize with our thoughts, words, or deeds multiplies in our mind. These thoughts become our focus. Our focus dictates our behavior."

So, I need to sow the seeds of right choices by thinking right thoughts, today. I can improve my tomorrow by improving my focus today. 

I've talked a lot about CHOICE here, and I think I sort of emphasized the choice of behavior. Sure, that's still true. But I think it just might work better if I started with my choice of FOCUS, and let the behavior flow from that... 

I know, clear as mud, LOL!  It's a subtle difference, I guess. But when I read it, it sort of clicked with me, and I got excited and encouraged to work on it.  Hope you like the article, too, since it will explain it MUCHO better. :-D

My book quote for today: "Right thinking is a choice." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light."

My quote for today: "The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot." --Michael Althsuler

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1097