MAR 29th A Different Kind of Toon Tuesday

Hi Journal & Friends,

First, thank you, everyone, for such kind and supportive comments yesterday. It was very very nice. Even though grief is something we must do ourselves... it's comforting to know people understand.

I did something for Toon Tuesday that is more symbolic to me, than anything else. This is a photo of me and Dad, from 1954. I was 3 years old, and Dad was 32.

Design: a complicated design, for a complicated relationship. 

After my parents divorce when I was 10, my relationship with Daddy got complicated. Also, the busy design was like Dad... energetic and always busy living a full life. 

Sunrise: symbols our renewed relationship, when I turned 25. I met Jesus for myself, and learned about love, forgiveness, understanding, and appreciating Dad for who he WAS. As an adult myself with my own flaws, I could finally understand and accept that my Dad was human, and did the best he knew how, and loved us.

Flowers: for the high points, the good memories

Hearts: obviously for the Love

Spiral design and woven lines: Daddy is forever woven into the fabric of my life; never ending

Sharp points: the rough times in our relationship; yet there are dots over those points; love and forgiveness softening the sharp points, protecting

Sepia tone colors: the original photo was black and white, here:

With time and love, our memories are softened, choosing the good times to treasure; the harshness of black and white softens into a sepia glow.

Stars: Dad was a great example of one of my favorite quotes: "Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss at least you'll land among the stars." It took him until his seventies, but he finally made it to his "moon"... and was appointed a Judge.

Loretta

Daughter of Frank Ray Brown

1921 - 2011

DAY 592

MAR 28th Just Sad

Hi,

If you want to read a chirpy, happy post, please feel free to skip this one.

I'm feeling very sad. My Dad's funeral is on April 1st, and due to the physical consequences of carrying around all this extra weight for so long, I can't go. And it hurts. 

How ironic that the funeral is on April Fools Day. I feel like such a fool. I did this to myself, by all my foolish choices over the years. I looked back over my calendar... and I've wasted so many months, bouncing around basically the same weight since last summer.

One thing I have learned... or AM learning, is that feelings are transient. And even though right now it hurts very much... it will pass. It's like passing through a tunnel... eventually I will come out the other side.

I just don't want to eat over it. I've done that all my life... and look where it got me. Here, crying because I can't attend Daddy's funeral. So... for Daddy, I'll just feel it... and cry... and not eat over it. 

Right now, that does nothing for me, attitude-wise. But I know eventually I'll be glad I did it that way. Eventually.

Loretta

Daughter of Frank Ray Brown

1921 - 2011

DAY 591

MAR 24th Understanding, Not Blame & The GSSS

Hi Journal & Friends,

I was taught from the time I was a baby to soothe my feelings using food. To circumvent emotions with treats... good behavior bribed with the promise of goodies... to divert attention from hurtful feelings with food (for myself, I am planning another post about those details).

1951 age 7 months

1958 age 7

1961 age 10; taken to the Doctor 

and put on my first official "diet"

1964 age 13

Lest you think I am "blaming" my parents, think again. I have learned this truth: we need to know from whence we come, NOT for the purpose of blame... but for understanding. For understanding ourselves, to help us change. 

These days I vascillate between being embarrassed and ashamed of my slow, pitiful progress... and being grateful that for the first time in my life I have lost weight and actually KEPT it off, in the lost run. I've lost large amounts of weight before... but always gained it back and then some. 

I've kept this graph since before some of you were born, LOL!  I finally saw the pattern, and it was helpful in seeing and admitting how I used food as a coping mechanism, especially during major life events. Hmmm... I've gotta get this journey DONE... I'm out of room on the graph. ;-)

Can click to enlarge, in case you 

want to know all the juicy details 

As the graph shows, the longest I've ever kept it off in the past was 3 years... then the climb began. This time, it's been about 9 years. That's when I started the Dr Phil program in 2002. It's taken me a long time to figure stuff out. Slow, but permanent. I don't recommend "slow". It's just been that way for me. 

This time is different. This time it's not about the food... it's not a diet. Oh sure, I had to find a food plan that fit my physiology. I discovered I am carb sensitive, so a controlled carb approach is fine for me. I can "do" it for life, and by not eating sugar and white flour, the intense, insane physical cravings are gone (wish that was true for the emotional eating part!).

Anyway... for me it's about changing from the inside out. Those of you who have it more together than I do, will have faster progress. I stumble along, discovering and rooting out faulty thinking patterns and excuses as I finally see them. And yes, I know there are more to go... or else I would be at goal already.

I prize self-honesty... yet if I don't even SEE my blind spot, it's hard to be honest about it.

I want to set high goals... to reach for that which I am told is not possible. To change a lifetime of ingrained habits. To reach a place of peace with food. To handle emotions, both good and unpleasant, healthily without needing some kind of buffer to soothe myself... in my case, food. Others use tobacco, drugs, alcohol, etc. Emotionally healthy people (the ones we tend to call "normal", whatever that is) have found constructive ways to go through life handling the tough stuff. I want that, too. 

I get tired of this journey. I want it over. I want to live the rest of my life focusing on LIFE, not recovery from "using" food inappropriately. I don't want to spend what time I have left on this earth preoccupied with this journey and my relationship with food. Sometimes I get tired of the subject, and just don't want to write any more about it. Like... what else is there to say??

So... I have joined Debs Great Spring SlimDown to Summer, otherwise known as The GSSS.  We are just going to give it our all, and see where that takes us. There are 88 days left til Summer starts, as of today. I want to push, to see progress. 

I could really relate to what Deb said about this thing "stealing my days". Yep... I feel that way, too.   This isn't some formal "challenge" or anything. It's a focus, a decision, a chance to bust through and make significant progress. 

I liked how Deb is approaching The GSSS. The idea is to hit it hard, keeping in mind that there is an end in sight... the first day of Summer. I've always told myself "I can do anything if I know it will end." Not the healthy eating way of life... but referring to the hard push. 

If you think you'd benefit from a fresh focus, please feel free to join Debs Great Spring SlimDown to Summer.  No rules... no gimmicks... no prizes... no haranguing or "calling out". Like Mizfit says, we are our OWN Superheroes... we need to be internally motivated. 

The GSSS is a reminder to push hard and see what kind of results you can get from now til Summer!  Wanna join?

MySpace-Countdowns

From Dr Phil's book: "When you kill time, remember you can't resurrect it."

My verse for today: "All things are possible with God."

My quote for today: "Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities. And go to work."  --H.L. Hunt

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 588

MAR 24th Stop Whining & Just DO it

Good Afternoon Journal & Friends,

You knew it was coming, didn't you... 

Lessons From A Puppy #2

Joey on her first day in her new home.

Nope... I don't WANNA come out!!

Joey must spend some time throughout the day in the "specially equipped" laundry room. You know, with papers all over the floor. It has a gate across the door that Jim built, and she has a little bed, toys, food and water. But the main purpose is two-fold: potty training, and learning to accept restrictions. It's slow progress, but she IS making progress (so I keep telling myself). Baby steps... or in this case, puppy steps.

Jim ran off to the pet store the very next day. 

He came back with a chew treat bigger than she was!

One morning I put her in the laundry room, so I could have my hands free to make my coffee. Boiling water and puppies don't mix. Of course, she didn't like it. And whined to try to get her way. Jim says to ignore it... don't reward the whining by responding. Jim isn't here to hear it. It drives me nutso!

Anyway, after quite a bit of this, I heard myself say in exasperation to Joey: "If you'd learn to control yourself, you'd have freedom".

What??!! 

And I had to smile at her AND myself. Joey and I are both in the same boot camp... learning to control ourselves. 

And the reward for both of us: Freedom

Whining will get neither of us anything. 

Learning to DO what we need to do will get us the freedom we both want. 

Oh, if it were only as easy to learn as it is to write about! But... I am determined to continue. I am even feeling a tingle of enthusiasm.

Me and a puppy... we will learn together. :-}

From Dr Phil's book: "For you to succeed, you have to translate this knowledge, awareness, and insight into action."

My verse for today: "Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me."

My quote for today: "Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare." --Japanese proverb

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 587

MAR 19th I Was Misled!

Hi Journal & Friends,

Joey is supposed to be a Mini Schnauzer. Not so... I have come to find out that she is that rare breed known as Greased Lightening!! 

Blink, and she is gone. 

Blink and she has gone potty on the rug. 

Blink and she is chewing that-which-causes-you-to-gasp-when-you-see-it being-chewed!!

Okay, in all seriousness, Joey is a doll... but lightening fast. I am exhausted! Jim is off work this weekend, and HE has Puppy Patrol all weekend. I am OFF!! I actually got enough sleep last night, and feel so much better. I can sit at the computer and concentrate enough to make sense.. I hope. :-)

Okay, here it is:  

Lessons from a Puppy #1

It's been quite a few years since I've had a puppy this little. I'd forgotten that everything... and I mean EVERYTHING goes into their mouth! She is a chewing machine. 

In five seconds she can be chewing stuff she shouldn't be chewing! It is taking constant monitoring, all her waking hours.. replacing the wrong stuff with the right chew toy (they already know Jim and Joey by name at the pet store... she goes along riding in the front pocket of his work apron, LOL!). Anyway, that constant monitoring of her is a lot of work!

Sounds like my mind... if I don't constantly monitor my thoughts... I can end up chewing stuff I shouldn't be chewing! Kind of embarrassing to realize my mind can be as undisciplined as a little puppy! If I don't replace those defeating thoughts with the right thoughts, down I go. 

This week I was sooo tired, and that's when I get really susceptible to defeatist thinking. All the sad news out of Japan... all the posts on the heartbreaking events... and then I feel guilty for focusing on something so "American" as a new puppy. Then I question why I am even blogging... then I think why do it, I'd be fine without it, and it would be less stress. 

Like right now, Jim and Joey just returned from another run to the store. And out the window goes my concentration. Sigh... 

Deb recently had a wonderful post,  talking partly about people who fool themselves. Hmmm... naturally, reading that this week when I was sooo tired, I questioned if she was talking about me... sorry Deb. Just my squirrelly thinking, all wrapped up in myself as though I were the center of the universe. 

Actually, I think it's a good thing to be challenged by friends who care (not saying she was, just taking the lesson from it). That's different than being attacked by people who slice and dice you. At least for ME, it feels different. It comes from a place of caring. And it helps to have the light shined on us at times.

Because I think one of two things can happen: either I find something I need to work on that I hadn't seen before; or, I pass the examination, causing me to be stronger and firmer in my position, which can only help me.

So, thanks for that, Deb.

As for which effect it had on me this time... ha ha ha... don't know yet. I tend to think it's the former... next time Joey is asleep and I can think on it, I'll give it more thought. :-D

From Dr Phil's book: "When you choose your behavior and your thoughts, you choose the consequences that flow from those choices."

My verse for today: "Choose my instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her."

My quote for today: "Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try." --Dr Seuss

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 582

MAR 15th It's A Girl!

Hello Journal & Friends,

Time for a little joy in our lives! 

I think my grand plans for a new goal in October just got changed. We won't be going anywhere overnight... we have a new baby! A baby goggie, that is. Please meet our new little girl...

From February:

From two days ago:

Her "working title" (a nod to my writer friends) is JOEY. A kind of play on words. One of my favorite verses is:

"Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances."

And right now, while awake, she is riding around in the front pocket of my apron, like a baby kangaroo... a joey.

And... Jim wants a "tomboy" to go hiking with him. He definitely doesn't want a frou frou sissy name, LOL!

Joey is an 11 week old miniature Schnauzer, and cute as a button (says the proud mama).

Well... the baby is waking up... gotta go get some "exercise"... and lots of it. Like I didn't have enough to do... hey, this was supposed to be Jim's goggie!

Right now, my new computer won't play nice with my camera, so all I can show are these pics from where we adopted Joey. But soon I'll figure it out, and then, look out!

From Dr Phil's book: "For you to succeed, you have to translate this knowledge, awareness, and insight into action."

My verse for today: "Be exalted, O Lord, in your strength; we will sing and praise your might."

My quote for today: "From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!"  --Dr Seuss (One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish)

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 578