Monday, November 1, 2010

DAY 445 A Time for All Things

Hi there Journal & Friends,

I wonder if I have been misunderstood...? 

Me, and others like me, that are always talking about choices, attitude, thinking, how the battle is won or lost between the ears.

I wonder if I have done a good job in sharing the whole of my beliefs, or if all people read is this:

There was a 60's rock group called the Byrds, who sang "Turn, Turn, Turn", based on the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible.

Now, here are the words, for those too busy to watch the video:

There is a time for everything, 
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, 
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

I put the words in bold that I am thinking about.

There is a time for all things... including mourning.

This journey to wellness is multi-faceted. It is not all smiles all the time.

There IS joy, but there is pain, too. And a lot of people are uncomfortable with that, and will instantly tell the person "there there, don't cry."

When I was growing up, I remember being told "stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about!"  We were in effect, taught NOT to feel, to deal with our emotions in a healthy way. I never learned to cope with the pain of life.

So... I turned to drugs. In my case, I learned early on to abuse food. Oh sure, I tried the illegal stuff when I got older. But it was too risky, too out of control, too many consequences...

No... my favorite drug was food. Because I didn't DEAL with painful emotions. I numbed them. I did NOT face my stuff... I stuffed my face.

I've dealt with lots of stuff from my past already. But there are feelings that come up DURING this journey. Feelings of loss, of mourning, painful feelings. Like:

  • The painful feelings this morning as I was peering closely into the magnified side of my make-up mirror, checking out all the emerging deep wrinkles around eyes and mouth, now that the filler layers of fat are leaving. I slathered on a thick layer of moisturizer, in the vain hopes of smoothing it out some, even a little.

  • Or how I felt as I dressed, seeing those gobs of hanging folds of wrinkled and sagging skin on my inner thighs... just like those ghastly ones they show on tv for the shock value... and I cringed when I remembered I am only half way there, and don't want to face what I will look like next year.

  • And the hanging wing-bats which are 2 to 3 dress sizes larger that the rest of me, and actually blob down lower than my elbow when I lower my arms to my sides. 

There is a lot to be celebrated, to feel thankful for, to appreciate. But that does not negate the validity of those other feelings... the painful ones.

They need to be explored, and if I decide they are valid, then respected, honored, and grieved. Like any loss, I need to face them and work through them... to heal the feelings, so I can let them go, and not be stuck in them.

It helps me to interpret it as a death, a loss. And to allow myself to go through all the stages of grieving. And to not feel one tiniest bit silly, vain, or "unspiritual" for doing so. I don't care one twit what anyone else thinks... there is loss involved.

For it IS a loss to me. 
A loss of the body I wish I had had... 
A loss of the life I might have had, and participated in...
A loss of a dream of how I might have looked had I done this sooner...
A loss of feeling attractive to my husband...
A loss of years... like I missed out on the "middle" years, and ended up in the "old" years before my time.

There is more, but that gives you the idea.

So I decided to employ the PARALLEL TRUTH idea. 

For at the same time that I acknowledge the painful feelings, I recognize there are joyful things to CELEBRATE.

For me, this does NOT minimize my hurt, my loss. I am treating that with respect, and acknowledging it's legitimacy. But it gives me something filled with LIFE upon which to focus.

I am celebrating: 

A return of movement...
Growing self-esteem...
A sense of accomplishment...
Finding how powerful Hope is...
Discovering the "me" that was under there all the time...
Realizing that the New Me can do far more than my Old Me believed...
Feeling free to just BE the real me...
Having the courage to fight for myself, to stick up for myself...
Refusing to accept disrespect...  
Possibilities as yet unrevealed...

And more...

There IS pain. That's just the reality. That's life.

Maybe there are people who finish this journey, and have nuthin' but joy-joy. I'm happy for them. Most likely, they are the blessed ones who "got it" younger than I did. Or maybe they have already worked through it all.

 But for me, I'll admit it has been bittersweet. And all the chirpy advice from anyone will not change that. They just don't understand.

There IS pain, but there is also JOY.
So for me, it's a choice as to which I will make pre-eminent.

Because I choose to focus on Joy most of the time doesn't mean I should ignore the painful feelings. I need to get to their root, to "feel, and deal, and heal". Or they will still be there, under the surface, to reappear later.

They will rise up and bite me later!

So just because I don't focus on the painful stuff all the time, please don't misunderstand and think I am saying to stuff them, to ignore them.

There is a time for all things... to mourn, to grieve, so we CAN heal and go on.

From Dr Phil's book: "Heal your feelings so that your eating behavior is no longer fueled by harmful emotions."

My verse for today: "Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise."

My quote for today: "The longest and most exciting journey is the journey inwards." --Constantin Stanislavski

Enjoy the Journey,


Edited to add: oh yeah, it's Nov 1st, weigh day. 328, for no change. Grrrrrr!

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