MAR 16th The Headless Husband

Hello Journal & Friends,

Well, I gone an' dun it. I bit his head off this morning! Yep, MyGuy went to work headless. 

See, JUST LAST NIGHT I decided to memorize a verse. Yep, you know what's coming. Now folks... you don't have to be a Bible thumping Christian to benefit from the wisdom of this verse. Here she be:

Whatever is true, 

whatever is noble,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely,

whatever is admirable

-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-

think about such things.

Well OF COURSE I had my commitment tested this morning. Of course. Sigh. And I failed this first test. 

After said husband did the typical annoying Husband Stuff, I was in the kitchen fixing his two meals to take to work. I was grumbling to myself and thinking on what was NOT right, what was NOT noble, what was NOT admirable, etc etc etc. Yep.

Then it struck me what a coinkydink it was that we haven't had a fight in ages, and now it happens the morning after I decide to clean up my thinking! Just great. 

What does this have to do with weight loss? Everything!! It's my thinking that gets me into trouble. My thinking, not my circumstances, leads me down the drain. And that used to lead me to the kitchen to soothe or escape it all. That's why I thought, hey, I'll memorize this great verse, and it will magically transform me. 

Okay, so I didn't expect it to be effortless. But it still comes down to choice. I didn't have to sit there stewing in my own juices, rehearsing all his flaws. I did it because I felt hurt and justified doing it, and was feeling such the martyr! I was polishing my own halo. 

What's my point? This journey takes effort. Choices. Commitment. And if anyone thinks they will get there and not make any mistakes, they're delusional. :-D

Oh yeah... and Chris, at A Deliberate Life,  talked about me in her post on Wednesday! :-O

Okay, not really. But I saw myself in her pattern analysis. I was tired of counting those pesky little calories, and for two weeks I tried to tell myself I didn't need to. But... I do. So I'm back at it. It's a useful tool and I probably won't have to do it forever. So instead of grumbling about it, I'm working at feeling thankful to have a helpful tool.

Thanks, Chris. ;-)

My book quote for today: "I can only be defeated if I give up or die." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash The Warrior Within

My verse for today: "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love."

My quote for today: "Work each day on your thoughts rather than concentrating on your behavior. It is your thinking that creates the feeling that you have and ultimately your actions as well." --Wayne Dyer

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 942

MAR 13th I Have Decided

Hi there Journal & Friends,

It's time for me to decide. To face it, make a choice, and just decide.

So I thought about what I REALLY believe, deep down in my gut. Not what I am "working on" to believe, not what I'd like to claim I believe, not what is "to believe someday as soon as I get my act together". But what's there NOW. So, here it is.

I BELIEVE: 

...I do not deserve disrespect, mocking or sarcasm. I enjoy respectful discussions with different perspectives. But I will not tolerate midget-minds that make personal attacks and put others down to make a point.

...While I do not control anyone else, I DO control my response to them. No one has the power to "make" me feel any certain way, unless I give them that power. I'm not doing that any more!

...This is MY blog. Anyone who doesn't like me can just not read it. Go away and amuse yourself elsewhere. Better yet, unplug your computer and look inward as to why you think it's an okay thing to be unkind to a fellow human being. Who hurt YOU and why are you passing it on??

...I forgive the trolls, but will not be so foolish as to allow them to infect me and my readers with their poison. They are banned from my blog. Forever.

...Life is shorter than we realize. Too short to give the midget-minds and dream-stealers any more of my time. This will be the last post on this topic. Ever. 

Now, on to Life! On to my goals and dreams and passions. Will I share what I am learning as I go? Before I have it all together and have "numbers proof"? Yes! Because I also believe that change, PERMANENT change has to start on the inside, and work it's way out.

I see change in my life. I know from where I started, and how it's different now. I am absolutely no "role model" as to how to do it fast. 

But dang it all folks, I am DETERMINED that I could be a role model for 2 things: how to make it permanent, and how to NEVER QUIT. 

My book quote for today: "Habit will be your champion. When you train the mind to think one way, and one way only, when you refuse to allow it to think any another, that will produce great strength in battle." --Steven Pressfield, Gates of Fire, an epic novel of the Battle of Thermopylae during which 300 Spartans fought courageously against a Persian army of millions. Amazing, amazing story based upon true events...I highly recommend!

My verse for today: "Help me, O Lord my God; save me in accordance with your love."

My quote for today: "How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because some day in life you will have been all these." --George Washington Carver

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 939

MAR 12th On Finding Harmony

Hello Journal & Friends,

This morning I read a most wonderful post by Carla aka Mizfit.  It was about that question we've all heard: Can we have it all?

But the parts that struck ME were more about finding HARMONY... instead of looking for that elusive "balance". And also that maybe we need to re-define what the "all" is that we are working towards. It's an individual thing.

Her post touched me. The photos of her "all"... of her husband and child. Discovering that she already had her "all".

And I also thought about why I've been feeling sort of wordless when it comes to writing posts lately. I've been directing my energies in other directions - towards my art - and in doing so, I'm sort of "empty" by the time it comes to writing here. But... am I really?

I puzzled over that, and think I figured out at least part of the reason why: when I write here, I want it to mean something. I mean, not be "filler" or fluff. I want it to be real. To matter to me. And that takes digging INWARD... it takes energy and passion. 

And I've been spending that energy and passion on other stuff! So... that's why Mizfit's post struck me. I thought I had to "balance" it all... do it all... keep up with it all. And that expectation made me feel guilty, and like a failure, and frustrated that there were never enough hours in the day!

So... what to do??

I had to ask myself some hard questions. I had to be honest with myself. I would LIKE to think I am oh-so-strong that the occasional negative comments left here don't bother me. 

But they do. I considered shutting off the comments, but I admit I would miss the interaction with most of you that I consider online friends. 

When I consider letting it all hang out, sharing what's going through my head, or what I am learning... I'd like to say that I am fearless and do it regardless. But that's not the truth. 

The truth is... there have been several times lately when I felt the urge to share a neat thing I discovered, or am learning, or am thinking about... and didn't. I just didn't feel like fielding the criticisms and judgements. 

And yes, it pisses me off that I've allowed idiots to influence what I write. People that are so pin-headed and full of themselves that they don't understand that this IS a learning journey. That most of us are here because we do NOT have our act all together. We ARE learning, discovering and finding our way back to health. To not only physical health, but emotional, mental and spiritual health.

So... what to do??

I dunno yet. :-}

My book quote for today: "Never let anyone discourage you from your dreams or goals, no matter how big or small, because no one can ever guess how much you're capable of doing. You're the only one who can decide that." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash The Warrior Within

My verse for today: "Because He turned his ear to me, I will call on Him as long as I live."

My quote for today: "Fulfillment of your authentic purpose is worth every effort. Never settle for less from yourself than the absolute best you can be." --Ralph Marston

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 938

MAR 6th Sabotage, Strength & Surveys

Hi Journal & Friends,

If you've been blogging for any time at all, then you're probably just like me: you get emails asking you to endorse, promote, join, or otherwise become involved in all kinds of stuff. 99.9% of the time, I can't hit the DELETE button fast enough.

But today I received one that I feel passionate about! Surprise, surprise. So I'm going to promote it, and ask YOU to care, too. :-)

What's it about? 

Sabotage 

Specifically, sabotage of our weight loss efforts by our significant others.

Why do I feel so strongly about it? Because when I finally discovered the nutritional path that was healthy and doable for ME, my hubby (bless his pea-pickin heart) dug in his heels and--without meaning to--tried to sabotage me. For my health, I needed to stop eating sugar and flour. Period. That was March of 2009.

I was committed, determined and wholehearted in my decision to DO this.

He was equally committed, determined and wholehearted in his refusal to join me!!

So much so, that he'd bring home huge trays of giant muffins. Or a large flat of a favorite dessert of mine, baklava. 

Or several gallons of premium Dreyers ice cream. 

You get the idea.

At first I was such a martyr!! 

Then I was mad. 

Then I was full of self pity. 

Then... as I was bellyaching to God one day, I realized I had a choice. I could just keep on suffering and go down in flames, OR,  I could see this as an OPPORTUNITY TO GET STRONGER.

I chose the opportunity to get stronger. Every time he gave me resistance, it was akin to lifting weights. At the gym, resistance training builds muscles. And THIS resistance was strengthening my commitment muscle. Nothing, no one, was going to take this from me! 

Yes, I stumble now and then as far as the quantity that I eat. I've never hidden that fact. I'm working to get consistent with that. But the commitment to not eat sugar and flour has STUCK from day one, in spite of attempts at sabotage. 

That's the message I feel so strongly about: YOU CAN DO THIS regardless of your home situation. 

Regardless of who is criticizing you, or giving you resistance. Regardless of lack of support in your "real life". I didn't have it either. But I had all you great bloggy friends, and that helped tremendously! Heck, I even have my very own troll, who helps me to examine what I really believe, thus making me stronger! :-D

So what's this email thing I was talking about??

There is a lady named Amanda Harp, a PhD candidate at Clark University, who is asking for volunteers to participate in her survey on sabotage from significant others. She is close to collecting enough data, and just needs a few more volunteers to finish her research. 

I'm going to do it, and thought some of you might want to, also. 

If you can answer yes to these 4 questions, then you qualify to participate:

1)  Are you at least 18 years of age?
2)  Have you been participating in a weight loss program for the last 5 consecutive weeks?
3)  Have you been in a committed, cohabitating relationship for the last two years?
4)  Do you ever feel like your partner/spouse gets in the way of your weight loss?  

Here's the pertinent info and links:

--The Study info 

--It is an anonymous survey, and cannot be traced back to you

--After you finish the survey, she will donate $1 to a charity you choose from the following:

Playworks 

The Carter Center 

Susan G Komen for the Cure  

MAP International (the one I'm choosing) 

--She is also offering participants to opt in for a drawing for one of 10 gift cards, or you may choose to also donate that amount to your charity. I think that's a nice thing. :-)

I wish Amanda well in her studies!

Again, here is the main link to participate. 

PS: Just so you know, my sweetie is now very supportive and even tries to enjoy some of the yummy "alternative" things I cook.

My book quote for today: "I extend to you in invitation to meet your true self... and explore the adventure that is your life. There are challenges... but for the warrior, they are opportunities to see how far you can go and what you are absolutely capable of being." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash The Warrior Within

My verse for today: "My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare."

My quote for today: "The difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do." --Bill Phillips

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 932

MAR 3rd Choosing To March Forward

Hi there Journal & Friends,

Ever feel this way??

Most of the time I remember that I get to choose my attitude, my mood. That I can "make my own weather", like I talked about in this post about Bernie Siegel. 

Then... along comes a day I forget, and I fall flat on my face! I'm sorry if I "infected" anyone with my grumpiness. It's not my usual way of being... but, I did it, I own it, and it is what it is. 

And now I choose to do like several of my commenters suggested... just let it go, and go on. 

So many people have "real" problems, and I DO have a lot for which to feel thankful. No more griping from me! At least not for awile, ha ha ha.

Thank you for all the supportive comments. And there was such wise advice I can learn from!

My book quote for today: "You are capable of more than you ever thought." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash The Warrior Within

My verse for today: "I will praise the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live."

My quote for today: “But to think well of all, to be cheerful with all, to patiently learn to find the good in all - such unselfish thoughts are the very portals of heaven; and to dwell day by day in thoughts of peace toward every creature will bring abounding peace to their possessor.” --James Allen, 1902

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 929

MAR 1st Spiders, Scales & Spouting Off

Hi!

(If ya don't wanna read my rant, better not read today)

I hate spiders. Detest 'em. They are sneaky and silent. They hide, waiting to "get you" when you aren't looking. I didn't used to feel that way... until I was bit by a Brown Recluse spider a few years ago. 

I found the bite on a Sunday morning, and by the time I saw my doctor Monday morning (oh yeah, the office staff was very annoyed at my demand for a last minute appointment, but I didn't care!) the venom had created a crater on my hip almost 3 inches across, and a 1/4 inch deep! 

So spiders are on my hit list. Come into MY house... get squished.

I was getting ready to do dishes yesterday, and a big spider had the audacity to be IN my dishpan with the dirty dishes. Squish!!

Then it occurred to me... that unresolved issues are like spiders. You may not notice them, but they are there, waiting to strike. 

Why did I think that?? Because the previous day I was totally P.O.'d over something, and instead of dealing with it, I said "oh screw it!" and overate. When I saw the spider yesterday, I also saw my anger, and my unresolved issue. 

Oh, it wasn't a big deal. Not like what some I know are going through. In fact, I feel pretty stupid to have overeaten because of it! And eating a boatload of calories 2 days before my monthly weigh day?? Yep... not the most brilliant choice. So I deserve the 2 pound gain, putting me at 329. Sigh.

Am I still P.O'd?? Yes. But not over the original thing. Actually, I can't even remember what it was about! 

If I am honest... and what's the use of doing a blog if I'm not... I am feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. 

If I only talk about my "successes" here, I'm criticized for not being honest or "realistic", or whatever. If I share things I'm learning or discovering along the way, I'm criticized for being a phoney and having "aha" moments and just talking but not doing. And if I DO talk about my stumbles and don't have the numbers to put up, I'm criticized for "not being serious".

Pissed off?? Ya think??

The arrogance... the judgemental attitude... the hubris of some people, to insinuate that the only people that should have a "weight loss" blog are those that have their act all together!! 

What about the REST of us?? Those that are ON our way, learning as we go? Making mistakes, but never quitting? Determined to hang in there no matter what, until we hammer out a way that works for us? Until we reach that place where it flows and we have CONSISTENT success??

Those of you who like to judge, just remember this: there was a time when YOU TOO, were at the beginning of your journey. If you had been blogging then, willing to expose your mistakes and share what you were learning as you went along, how would YOU feel if others who were farther along looked down their nose at you, and decided they didn't want to be contaminated by you? They would support you AFTER you got your act together, not before. 

Pissed off still? Guess so. But I'm not overeating because of it. I am blogging it. And if you don't like that, don't read my blog. It's that simple! 

My book quote for today: "If you want something bad enough, you have the power to make it happen - no matter what other people have to say..." --Richard Machowicz, Unleash the Warrior Within

My verse for today: "Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in  you."

My quote for today: "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." --Winston Churchill

Loretta

DAY 927