DAY 408 The Highs & The Lows

Hi Journal & Friends,

Ahhh... Caturday.

Jim just left to do errands... the kitties are preoccupied and quiet. I'm feeling... confused.

A tumble of feelings.

Yesterday was... ridiculous. No, I didn't pig out. But it scared me how much I WANTED to.

I had a wonderful morning out shopping at the craft store with my sister and niece. That was the high point of the day.

They treated me to a delicious brewed iced tea from Wendy's. Mmmmm. And I was delighted that it truly didn't bother me when one of them had a chocolate Frosty... one of my favorites. I just felt like... hey, I can have that anytime, too. But I choose not to have one til I reach my goal. A nice feeling.

But later... the low part of the day. The part that I allowed to drag my feelings through the mud. An appointment with an attorney. Legal stuff is NOT my forte... it was hard to hear, hard to understand, hard to accept, and yep, hard to part with the money for it, LOL!

That's life. Ups and downs. It's normal. 

But I still fight it. 

I still want it to be all even and nice, and all positive and okay... I still need to handle the tough stuff mo' bettah.

I still need to be able to just sit with the crummy feelings awhile, know that they will pass, and be okay about that. That I will be just fine.

I don't LIKE the crummy feelings. I don't WANT to sit with them! I want them to go away. I want to avoid them. That's the biggest reason I used the food... to feel better, to escape the crummy feelings.

I'm so glad I joined the Hot 100 challenge (not too late to join, click here). 

Honestly, if I hadn't, when I was teetering on the edge yesterday I might have tipped in the wrong direction. But I thought: no way was I going to bomb out THIS early in the challenge and have to admit that to everyone!

Yeah, it's a lousy reason, an external motivation, that kept me going. But at that point, it was better than nothing.

I am working on building stronger INTERNAL motivation. But until it grows stronger, this will just have to do. So... thank you Steve, for the Hot 100. It saved my bacon yesterday!

Today's Peek at the Past (No, no, no... this can't be! I just looked this one up from 1 year and 1 day ago... it just can't be! The title alone smacked me!!! "Is Happiness a Choice?")

From Day 46, September 24, 2009:

Everything in our life does not have to be perfect for us to find small pockets of happiness and joy tucked away here and there...we just have to look for them.

And the first step in doing that is to have an Attitude of Gratitude. Simply put... I'll find what I am looking for. The more I open up to being thankful, the more I see. This is not some kind of touchy-feely hocus pocus...it is solidly backed by scientific research. I'm not talking about those battling clinical depression, or even those in the midst of heartbreaking trauma... but about the average person dealing the stresses of daily living, which is most of us.

Don't like modern know-it-all scientists? How about Abraham Lincoln, who said:

"Most folks are about as happy 

as they make up their minds to be."

Happiness is not an automatic state of mind, a way I feel with no effort. I must choose my thoughts each day. Working THROUGH my emotions is NOT always a  "happy" thing...it can be painful and hard. But I look at it now as going through a necessary tunnel, and coming out the other end, with rich results.

(For complete post "Is Happiness a Choice?" click HERE) 

From Dr Phil's book: "If you don't require much of yourself in this area of self-monitoring, your ability to maintain your goal weight will be weakened considerably."

My verse for today: "You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my god turns my darkness into light."

My quote for today: "I am showing up for life today. I am going to make the best of everything I have been given, and make the choice to live today out of gratitude." --author unknown

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 406 It Starts TODAY!

Good morning, Journal & Friends,

PSSST..... come closer...

I want to tell you something exciting. No, don't look at me that way, it's okay!

Well, don't just sit there...

I'm not clowning around here...

Let's have some FUN!

Let's all join 

South Beach Steve's Hot 100 Challenge,

it starts today!

It's not too late to join... don't be slow... 

Go on over to Steve's place to sign up and find out the Oh-Fish-ul Rules (HERE).

I really like how Deb  at Deb Will Be Free  picked her goals based upon things she wanted to become lifelong habits. So, of course I copied her. :-) I'm still doing Shelli's 9/9 to 10/10 Challenge,  and these fit in nicely with that one, too.

My goals for the Hot 100 Challenge are:

1. Stay within my Calorie Budget (1600/day 6 days/wk and 1800/day 1 day/wk)

2. Exercise 6 days/week (except right after my 2 upcoming hand surgeries)

3. Take my Vitamins EVERY day

And I decided NOT to include that I would really really like to get out of the 300's by the end of the year... but like Deb, I won't say that. ;-)

So... that's the end of the story today.

Hey... how about US??

Note: No cats (or rats) were harmed in the making of this post. Natural non-toxic vegetable dyes are used to paint cats... and they are probably spoiled rotten and totally pampered!

Today's Peek at the Past (I had forgotten I wrote this... and needed to read it again, since I'm feeling like a phoney again. Here it is a year later, and I am desperately hanging on. This was a good reminder for me.)

From Day 45, September 23, 2009:

Yesterday, as I wrote that day's blog, I typed a sentence that I didn't even realize had bothered me all these years. It was about the angry adult male authority figure in my young, impressionable life asking me: Who do you think you are?? And then he threw a large, heavy glass ashtray at me (missed). The scene is etched in memory like it happened yesterday.

This morning as I thought about the people who signed up to follow this blog, I caught myself asking that same question: who do I think I am??? And I realized I have been doing that all my life. Out of fear of being a phoney, or being prideful, or self-deluded, or just feeling like I was a nobody, I would negate my own worth, what I might have to offer, or what I might accomplish in the future.

I am glad the light was shined on this bit of "stinkin thinkin". I can answer it, refute it, and replace it with a healthier self-image. I absolutely, literally CRINGE when I read some of the user names people give themselves as bloggers... derogatory and hopeless, even cruel sounding. Yet in the secret place of my mind, here was this thing, this axe that chopped me down every time I tried to grow up too tall and strong.

(For complete post " I AM LORETTA " click HERE) 

From Dr Phil's book: "Create meaning and purpose out of your suffering."

My verse for today: "My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song."

My quote for today: "Strength is acquired through resistance. Resistance surrounds us at all times always giving us the opportunity to grow stronger." Coach Sean, Cardio Coach

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 405 The Real Point & The Hot 100

Hi Journal & Friends,

I was all set to write my post. I KNEW what I was going to say... it was outlined inside my head.

(source) 

Then, I went back about a year to find the Peek from the Past... and it smacked me right between the eyes. I really needed to read my own words. I almost cried. It was perfect. 

It's been tough lately, and while I've not had binges like in the old days, it's felt like I was on a slippery slope. A little here, an exception there, a justification, an excuse. I've not gained... in fact I peeked on Monday and have lost weight. But that's not the point! 

Using food to ease stress is the point. 

Making excuses is the point. 

Losing focus is the point. 

Allowing circumstances to rob me of my solid grip, my dogged determination is the point.

Those are the dangerous behaviors that got me to 460 pounds... I don't want to go back there!!

Here is part of what got me, from Day 43 on September 21, 2009, "Why I Write What I Write". (The whole train of thought started in response to a blogger that was cynical about "happy" bloggers, and thought that perhaps we did it for the pats on the back)

Giving this writer the benefit of the doubt, perhaps this blogger has been around long enough to see so many people come and go, who SAID all the right things, but did not DO them.


I think one reason I felt defensive was because that used to be ME....


Now I am creating a NEW HISTORY for myself...


Bottomline: I write what I need to read!! I write to motivate ME, to help ME focus, to kick MYSELF in the tush, to cheer ME on to victory!! If anyone else happens to read any of it and is helped, I am delighted by that...


...attitudes are contagious. And I talk to MYSELF more than anyone else all day long, all of my life. I NEED TO HEAR POSITIVE STUFF!!! I need to fill my mind with thoughts and information that will propel me to SUCCESS, not drag me down with doubts, fears, self-pity, woe as me, who-do-you-think-you-are thinking.


I am Loretta. I am here. I will succeed... and no one, nothing, will take this from me. Not cynicism, not criticism, not skepticism, not doubt or fear, or even my own past history of failure. 


I am creating a New Me. I do not care one bit, not ONE BIT, if someone else rolls their eyes at my pom-pom waving. They simply do not understand...they do not know ME, and what I have had to overcome to arrive at this time, this place, where I can say:

 IT IS MY TURN, IT IS MY TIME.

I needed to read that. I needed the kick in the pants. So... I changed my mind and AM joining Steve's Hot 100 Challenge. 

(Here for details). It's not too late to join... it starts tomorrow, Thursday the 23rd.

He has some cool prizes--and will have THREE winners this year... but I decided that with all that is going on in my life right now, I'm not going to enter for the prizes. 

I'm doing it more informally, so I won't be under pressure to report in on certain days or following any rules. But I'd still like to be connected, and will try to visit and support others doing the challenge as time permits.

I am working on Internal Motivation, thanks to something Chris wrote recently... I'm mulling it over, trying it on for size. Setting goals and following through because I am motivated INTERNALLY rather than externally. Because I report in to MYSELF. I hold myself accountable, and value ME enough not to let myself down... like I would have done in the past, with no one looking over my shoulder.

I LOVE doing challenges, don't get me wrong. And I am sure I'll do more, and be a good little girl and follow all the rules. It's just that there is something for me to learn... I can feel it... sense it, even though I can't quite express it yet. Yet. Gimme time. 

And who knows... it might turn out to be a great big flop!! In other words, a LEARNING EXPERIENCE!

Hey, did you notice Blogger fixed me, and I can post pics?!?!?! Yay!!!

(For complete post "Why I Write What I Write" click HERE) 

From Dr Phil's book: "Failure to self-monitor is one of the top reasons why people allow their weight to creep back on."

My verse for today: "Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and He saved us."

My quote for today: "Three rules of work: Out of clutter find simplicity; from discord find harmony; in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." --Albert Einstein

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=