Until I started my blog, I rarely talked about it. I smiled. I answered "I'm fine" when asked. But how "fine" can you be when your highest weight was 460 pounds??
Why talk about those early years?? Because they were the foundation. No blaming, simply for understanding. Wearing leg braces due to a birth defect, I first learned to walk as a chunky 3 year old.
Upset, scared, crying? Food.
Mad, sad, glad? Food.
Reward, bribe, celebration? Food.
You name it, Food was the solution.
This foundation set me up for a lifetime struggle. Not being taught food was for nutrition, but could be a comforter, soother, escape, even friend. That's what I "heard", anyway. How I wish I had been taught a healthy way to process feelings. Instead, I was told "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."
Except for a couple of teenage attempts when I "dieted" to an almost normal weight, I've spent a LIFETIME with this weight thing. It invaded, affected and tainted EVERYTHING. I was put on my first "diet" at age 10, which taught me I was viewed differently, even by adults.
I felt like a target. Cruel words and treatment, based upon external appearance, cut deeply. It was hard to develop self-confidence when I was constantly made to feel I was "less than."
I've loved art as long as I can remember. But didn't believe in myself enough to seriously pursue it until recently. Have I mentioned I am 61 years young?? I may be a late bloomer, but I now want to bloom audaciously!!
Yet when asked to join this project, I was embarrassed and ready to decline. I did NOT feel worthy of it! I've been struggling a LIFETIME, and yet am still not to goal. As of this writing, I have lost over 100 pounds, but am still barely even halfway there!
Then it hit me. I DO have something to say. ONE THING! The most important lesson I've learned along the way:
NEVER QUIT.
Ever. No matter what.
Always ALWAYS
keep going.
Over the years I've tried or wanted to try just about everything, including weight loss surgery. But my insurance denied coverage. Which turned out a blessing in disguise, because losing that last hope made me desperate enough to be willing to change. I had lost weight repeatedly in my life... but never kept it off. It always came back, and then some. I didn't want another diet. I wanted true inner change.
For my lastest attempt in 2009, I had a simple plan: 1) Don't eat sugar or flour 2) Do some kind of exercise 3) Positive mental input, all on the foundation of my relationship with God.
That's it. Nothing complicated, and I tailored it for me. I could have anything, anytime, as long as it wasn't sugar or flour, which affects my blood sugar. Going sugar-free/gluten-free removed the insane physical cravings, giving me a fighting chance. Now I concentrate on the mental/spiritual issues. I have some medical issues that I have to work around, but this change made it possible for the first time in my life to KEEP OFF the pounds lost, with an occasional bit of bouncing. I know for it to be permanent, I have to change INside. My progress has been turtle slow, but I have hope and determination.
Do I ever want to give up in frustration or discouragement? Yes! But feeling like doing something and DOING it are two different things. My source of strength is my relationship with God. He has never given up on me, so I won't either. Period.
We all have the ability to choose. Sure, I was taught poor coping strategies as a child. But I was the one making those unhealthy choices as an adult. Me. That's GOOD news, because now I can choose to make BETTER choices.
It's not easy, at for me. I aim for progress, not perfection. I am undoing a LIFETIME of damage, poor habits, early programming, and bad choices. It's been a long, hard road, and it's taken a long time to find pieces to MY puzzle, unique to me. I encourage others to seek what is right for them, and NEVER GIVE UP until they find it.
My nutritional choices have gradually improved over time. I still struggle with quantities, and have decided to go back to what I did in the beginning: calorie tracking. I've studied and experimented, and that's just what seems to work best for me.
Same with exercise. I've tried lots of way to get movement, believing it's important to my health. My goals include walking again! Building strength, getting lighter, getting out of my wheelchair. It will happen one day, I'm convinced. All I have to do is NEVER QUIT! And a huge part of that relies upon that daily healthy mental/spiritual input. In fact... I'd say most of it.
"Sometime in your life you will go on a journey. It will be the longest journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find yourself." --Katherine Sharp
At 61, I think I am finally finding the real me.
