Hi Journal & Friends,
This week feels like it should get the Weird Week Award!
It had some great highs... and as far eating goes, one day of the WORST lows!! And there was no reason for it, really. No drama, no deaths or funerals, no tragedies or misfortunes. It took me a couple of days to figure it out, and then another couple of days to accept it, and not write it off as an excuse (which I admit, it STILL feels like to me).
So, here's the story. Monday kicked off the week with The High. It was Jim's day off, and we went out to eat at a buffet type restaurant. I enjoy that, since I can be picky and try a bite of this and that, and still stay on plan. Well, I had the oddest thing happened... really, I guess it was a shift in my thinking.
Unless you have been VERY overweight, you might not understand this, but there is a kind of "club". Where one hugely overweight person sees another hugely overweight person, and there is sometimes a slight "look", a nod of understanding... and something unspoken passes between them, like yeah, I know, I understand.
Well, that happened to me several times at this restaurant on Monday. And I was astounded, looking back on it, to realize that each time it happened I was surprised... and almost resented it. Later I figured out why:
I DIDN'T THINK OF MYSELF AS BELONGING
TO THE FAT CLUB ANY MORE!!
Now, I know I still LOOK the part, and that is why I still get the "look", the camaraderie. But inside, I guess I am thinking ahead, and I was amazed, surprised and delighted to discover that my perception of myself is shifting! This is a big deal for me, and I hope it's not just some kind of denial, but rather a good thing. I hope it means that I am changing on the INside, and the OUTside will soon follow.
But then.... The Low happened. It actually started at the restaurant, only I didn't catch it. The backstory: one of my symptoms from the Lupus is that the epithelial layer (the outermost layer) of the skin in my mouth, stomach, intestines, etc, is too thin. I easily get ulcerated spots. In the mouth, this means I have to be careful of acids, like lemon and vinegar, and also too spicy stuff, since I usually have one or more of these spots.
Well... I goofed up and didn't ask, when I chose to try a new dish. It was tri-tip steak with mushrooms and onions. It looked so good! I shoveled in a big spoonful, only to discover about 10 seconds later it had an after-kick! And it just KEPT burning... I tried water, ice cubes... nothing was helping. I was on the verge of tears... I felt like I had been scalded. Jim remembered that dairy products were supposed to help neutralize spicy stuff, so off he rushed. He came back with a little bowl of... vanilla soft serve ice cream (only later did I think that I could have used sour cream or milk).
Now, ya gotta remember I haven't eaten pure sugar in TWO YEARS. But at this point, I DIDN'T CARE. I put it in my mouth, a teaspoon at a time, and just let it sit there. And yes, it absolutely did help. It tasted too sweet, but I didn't care. The fire in my mouth finally died, and I was able to relax and enjoy the rest of my meal, feeling silly for having not asked first about the new dish. Won't do THAT again.
But... when I got my sugar-free apple pie for dessert, guess what I did with what was left of the vanilla ice cream?? Yep, I figured oh well, it's just a little bit and I don't want to waste it... aarrgghhh! Echoes of past squirrelly thinking!! That should've been my first red flag. But... I didn't catch it.
Later that night (we had gone out for a late lunch), I was hungry again. Reeaalll huuunnngry. For something sweet. I started out with "just one" homemade sugar-free flour-free mini-muffin. Ended up eating them all!!!! By the time bedtime rolled around, I had consumed around 3000 calories for the day. Say what?!?!?! I still didn't connect this with the sugar. I mean, it hadn't been that much.
Anyway, some of us have substances that we react to. If you don't, feel blessed. You can eat all things in moderation, and it's no biggee. But I am very carb sensitive. I wish that some day it would change, and I can be in the "all things in moderation" camp. I just want to be "normal". After this episode, and it taking the rest of the week to get it out of my system and calmed back down, I'm not so sure it will ever change. I just don't know. Maybe in time, maybe never.
But I've decided that if that's the price I need to pay to be healthy, then so be it. There are worse things. :-}
Any time we have a goal, a dream, a desire, especially a hard one to reach, there might be "hard" things we need to be willing to do. I am finally getting that, I think. And not pouting and whining "it's not fair", like I used to. It is what it is.
If I were going to medical school to become a doctor, I'd have to give up free play time and buckle down to some hard study time and a hard work schedule. It might be hard, but it would be worth it.
If my dream were to be a marathon runner, I'd have to get my tush up off the couch and work hard at training. But it would be worth it.
If I were trying to change a lifetime of addictive food behavior and lose a gob of weight and get healthy... oh wait, that IS my goal!!
So why should it surprise me that it will take a ton of consistent hard work to achieve it? Why has it taken me sooo many years for it to be okay with me that I might have to give up something, to let go of some preferences, to be okay with a "restriction" or two, or not rebel at telling myself NO!!!
Sometimes I just need to remind myself "it's time to grow up."
From Dr Phil's book: "I believe that what works in your life works because you make it work. You succeed because you make the right choices, you choose the right attitude, and you enact the right behavior to generate the right results. It is you who must create the life you want. And the choice is yours to make."
My verse for today: "For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth."
My quote for today: "Let us not be content to wait and see what will happen, but give us the determination to make the right things happen." --Peter Marshall
Enjoy the Journey,