JULY 12th Still Here & Forgiving Myself

I wrote this post a few days ago, hesitated... then thought of discontinuing my blog because I was tired of blogging about weight. Seems like I've been talking about it all my my life. I've actually been posting more lately over at my art blog.  

But, this topic was different, and felt important. And whether I like it or not, I'm not done with this wt loss journey. 

However, this last Tuesday before I could get it posted, I had an emotional meltdown over an event that was costing us thousands, all because of me. Thousands we don't have. 

I was sobbing, angry, feeling so full of grief, regret and self-recrimination. I was feeling so horrible that my "fat" was once again impacting our lives negatively...and I asked my husband to forgive me for allowing this weight, this FAT, to poison our life together. 

It's a long story, and he was so loving and sweet. But the one thing he said that stood out above all else, that quieted my sobs, was that even if he had known what he was getting into all those years ago... he would've married me anyway. I can't begin to tell you what those words meant to my broken heart.

I finally realized that the problem was... 

*I* was not done forgiving myself.

 Here then, was the start 

ONLY THE START 

I see now, of that forgiveness 

that I wrote about a few days ago:

I've been reading a book titled 

The Healing Code, by Dr Alex Loyd.

Fascinating book, really. In a nutshell, it's purpose is to help people get to the root cause of their problems. And it puts forth the idea the root of our problems are issues of the heart. And some of these "wounds" happened a long time ago in our lives. We might think "well that's ancient history". But if it's not been truly healed then it's still there, causing stress on our systems and interfering with our bodies ability to function optimally and to keep us healthy, both mentally and physically (that's MY summary, not theirs).

The program is divided into 12 "categories". I've been going through them, one per day. It's a sort of prayer/meditation type of healing work, combined with energy medicine. Hard to explain without quoting the whole book.  :-)

Anyway, the category for last Friday was "unforgiveness". This includes any unforgiveness towards others, God or oneself. I thought since I had already gone through all the categories, it would be no biggee. 

First, I read the "truth statement" I had written for this category:

"In love, I forgive as God has forgiven me. I am learning to see as God sees. I choose to forgive and Let It Go, knowing God will work it out to the highest good of all involved." 

Next, I asked myself if there was anything about this overeating thing in regards to unforgiveness that still bothered me, and instantly the thought popped up: I wasted a lifetime messing around with this! 

It was so strong that I immediately started to cry. I was being honest with myself, and it opened a floodgate.

Then, I said the suggested prayer, closed my eyes and started the work of healing those memories and wrong beliefs (I won't try to describe that... it wouldn't really make sense unless you'd read the book, and I know it sounds weird enough as it is!). As I saw flashes of myself at different ages, it was as though a loving presence was with me, taking me along, giving me a different way of seeing.

And I remembered part of my Truth statement I had read right before I started: "learning to see as God sees".

I felt amazed and humbled, to think that this was the way He saw me.

Me: I saw failure; tried over and over yet never learned; misled, stumbling along, wasting this gift of life being distracted by this weight thing; affected all areas, nothing was untouched by it, all areas of my life--work, play, relationships, dreams, spiritual life, you name it.

God: He saw me with compassion, understanding, kindness, mercy, great patience. And the most shocking to me of all: approval.

Approval??!!

Me: I tried and failed over and over and over and over...

God: I tried and failed over and over and over and over... YET I WOULD GET UP, DUST OFF AND TRY ONCE AGAIN. He approved of my spirit, of not giving up, of mustering up the courage to risk the pain of another failure. He approves of that kind of heart!

That is stunning to me. I have never thought of it that way before.

It has nothing to do with being "obsessed" with dieting. I legitimately need to get the weight off. I need to find a way, not give up and just accept it.

The very fact that someone is trying is worthy of approval! And if we don't quit, if we are open to learn and grow and change... I believe we WILL get there.

I forgive myself for not getting there sooner. It's been a lifetime journey. I was a kid, just trying to cope with life the way I had been shown. It's all I knew to do  (as a result, I was put on my first diet at age 10). I carried that behavior on into adulthood, a deeply ingrained habit to use food for more than just nutrition. And yes, I was given wrong nutritional advice. And I paid the price for all that.  I'm still discovering pieces to the puzzle... answers.

I forgive myself. My whole life was affected along the way, but it was not done intentionally. I didn't know any other way. I tried everything I could think of throughout the years. I just kept trying...  

I want to see Myself, my life, the Younger Me, the way God sees me: with compassion, understanding and patience. And I am giving myself the nod of Approval for never quitting. You did the best you knew how, Kiddo. Now you know better and can DO better.

I let go of the disgust at all my past failures to lose weight. I let go of the impatience and frustration and harsh judgements, that it took me this long to change, to "get it". In it's place I offer myself approval and love.

I forgive myself.

As you can see from the opening of todays post, this is an ongoing process. I suspect there is still more work for me to do in this area. :-}

My book quote for today: "As relentlessly as you try, you cannot think one thing and experience something else." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "I call on the Lord in my distress, and he answers me."

My quote for today: "Never give up, for that is the place and time that the tide will turn." --Harriet Beecher Stowe

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1054

JULY 3rd More Squirrelly Thinking Exposed

I had something else I was going to post today, and decided it just doesn't fit what I want to say.

What I really want to say is: don't make the same mistake I made yesterday. 

See... I bought another book. I know, I know. I keep saying NO MORE BOOKS. But... this one promised to give me the answers I've been looking for... the missing puzzle piece. And it DOES have some great info. But...

I didn't realize I had fallen into that old mental trap of: this is IT. THIS will give me what I need to DO this. This will be THE answer. 

Um... no. It can help, it can offer information, it can provide tweaks to my plan. But I have to stop falling into that old thinking of the "knight in shining armor" idea that would come along to rescue me and give me all the answers.

You'd THINK I would know better. You'd think!  I didn't realize I had fallen into that thinking until my emotional meltdown last night.  I had to ask myself what's going on?? What am I feeling and why??

I was disappointed. I was frustrated. I was mad. I had dared to get my hopes up and believe that maybe, just maybe this book had the answers it claimed, that would change my journey for the better. To get me going again. To get me past this stall.

I get sooo tired of trying to explain to the hard-core-troglodite-last-generation-nutritional-thinkers that it is NOT just calories in/calories out. That old tired "science" has been disproved so many times it is just plain tiresome to have to argue it yet again. There is simply more to it than that. And if you disagree, I respect your right to your opinion. But come back and talk to me when you hit 50. Nuff said.

Back to The Book. My last post I said I was doing some tweaking, making some changes to help me get going again. And this book promised to help with that. But I was wrong to think it had all the answers. The main thing it offered that might've helped me... I can't do because of high blood pressure. Sigh...

The other thing it demanded everyone must do... I am not willing to do. I am not in the mood to go into details, but for me it is just not sustainable, at least not in the authors extreme version. It would be like ME telling all of YOU that you MUST be just like ME, and eat low carb. And what if you were a vegetarian?? And I was insisting that the only way you'd ever be successful was to become a meat eater. Not gonna happen, right??

Last night, during my meltdown, I emailed a friend who I knew would be truthful with me, yet would understand. That kind of acceptance in itself was a big comfort. Oh may we all be blessed with those kinds of friends!!

Anyway, her feedback was a big help. Rarely are most things in life all or nothing, black and white. I need to take a deep breath and see what I CAN do, and let go of the things that I can't. 

Did I wish for that magic bullet that would "fix" everything? Sure. Did I find it? Nope. So... I'll continue on, doing what I can.  I'll try to be honest with myself, and see what I can tweak and where I can make improvements.

I am hopeful about being able to do pool exercises soon. My Sweetie is working on getting my little  therapy pool installed. It's taking more time that we thought... digging a trench for electrical, trying to pin down the electrician for an estimate (no one seems eager for work around a holiday), gathering material to build the pool hut around it to keep in heat, designing and building a ramp... etc etc etc. He's been pecking away at it each morning before work--and before it gets hot. :-)

So, the journey continues. That's all we can do when we stumble and skin our knees, right? Last night I felt like saying "oh screw it all!!"  But... I knew in my heart of hearts I wouldn't act on that. It was just how I felt. But what I will DO is... continue.

My book quote for today:  "...there is no need to be perfect. After all, perfection doesn't really exist apart from God. All you have to do is concentrate on progress." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

My quote for today: "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..." --Dr Seuss

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1045

JUNE 23rd Tweakin Insanity!

By now we've all heard the definition of insanity, accredited to Albert Einstein... "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

When I got slapped in the face by Mr Reality on Monday (for that little melodrama, click HERE) I had to do some honest evaluating.  And I decided it was a time for some changes. Time to try some tweaks here and there.

Tweak Number One: for the duration of the summer, I am sending my daily calorie totals to a friend. Accountability. And a little peer pressure doesn't help, either. Just KNOWING that I'd have to report in has saved my hide several times this week. "Nuh uh... not eating that. I'd go over my limit, and I wouldn't want to have to fess up!" So far, it's been a helpful tweak.

Tweak Number Two: I am investing a lot of money (gulp) in buying and installing a little pool for my backyard. Can we say... EXCITED!?!?!?!  

It's dinky sized, and called a therapy pool. I was originally going to get a simple cheapie from Wallyworld, but my sweetie pie husband decided that wouldn't work here in Oregon. I wouldn't get to use it most of the year. So, he orderd me this little therapy pool with a HEATER, and is going to build a pool hut around it to hold in some of the solar heat. He's going to insulate under it and around the pool, and build a little ramp so I can park my wheelchair at the bottom, and be able to get up and in (with a little corresponding step on the inside). 

It's called an iPool 2, and it's 54 inches deep (about 50" of actual water). Deep enough for all kinds of exercise. Also, it has a gadget that you wear around your waist that attaches by cord to the edge, and you can swim and swim... not going anywhere. :-D

Wanna see it? Here's a picture, with a link below:

(Fitmaxipool)

For as many years as I can remember, I've tried sooo many different kinds of exercise. And no matter how careful I am, or how slow I start, I have always ended up injured. EXCEPT FOR THE WATER. And there is now no place around here for me to go to a pool that doesn't use chlorine, to which I am allergic. I can use a salt filter for my little iPool2. 

This little pool is a big deal to me! We aren't rolling in dough, and also just had car repairs. So for my hubby to tap our savings and pay out for this little pool, the hut, and to install it... well, he's earned Brownie Points FAR into the future! :-D

I'm positive that doing these things DIFFERENTLY will give me different and better results. It's time to do whatever it takes... and for me that means making some changes. 

My book quote for today: "Joy is not a distant destination at which you arrive; rather, it's a path you choose to travel each day." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

My quote for today: "Every day of our lives we are on the verge of making those slight changes that would make all the difference." --Mignon McLaughlin

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 1035

JUNE 18th No! No! No!

I've been thoroughly enjoying my recent "good times", when all of lifes dramas seemed to have calmed, and things were going smoother. 

It was nice while it lasted... but now, the drama is back. Sigh... Lesson: enjoy and appreciate the good times while they last! 

Life seems like the tides... events come and go, up and down, good and bad, in and out... low tide, high tide. 

It's funny... I had JUST been reading about joy. How true joy is not dependent upon circumstances. It comes from within, from our relationship with our God, from the eternal not the temporal.

Uh huh... I should have KNOWN there would be a pop quiz. :-}

Anyway, lots of disappointing stuff going on, and big hits to the budget. Big hits to plans I had (past tense) to get stuff done while Hubby and The Barker were SUPPOSED to be off camping. 

And big hits to my "optimism". I had been doing so well on this journey to get healthier, having finally seemed to turn a corner not that long ago. 

Recently a tool I use died... The Scale. No biggee, I'll just get a new battery, right? By the time I got said battery and installed it, and did the Monday weigh-in ritual,

I was S.T.U.N.N.E.D - A.G.H.A.S.T - H.O.R.R.I.F.I.E.D!!!!

I just don't get it. I know I haven't been counting calories for awhile until just recently, but come on... no way! My newly batterized scale says that since May 1st, I have GAINED 27 pounds!!!! Two Seven. Twenty-seven. 

I'm having a hard time believing that. I double and triple checked, and it's the same each time. 

I can't begin to describe the crushing disappointment... how deflating, discouraging, frustrating and even angering that is. 

Please, do NOT post a comment telling me not to let "the scale" dictate my mood, etc etc. The scale is a tool, and I  get sick to death of people whining about how mean "it" is to them. It is simply a tool I totally appreciate having. Without it, I would not know I was on this wrong trend!!! 

I just didn't know. I can't tell from my clothes at my size. I can't tell by how I "feel", since I always feel "heavy" and have pain in my joints. So the scale is a helpful tool to give me some indication of how my plan is working... or NOT working, as the case may be.

My upset is not in the scale's reading. It is in ME. In my apparent obliviousness to how I've really been doing. I truly thought I was making progress, doing better than this. Uh... can we say REALITY CHECK??

So... now what?

I don't believe in coincidence, so I have to take note of the post I read just this morning from Coach Dayne at Coach Your Mind (HERE). 

Bottomline, there is no point in dragging out my crummy feelings about this crummy news. I saw it, I processed it, I felt it. And boy howdy, did I feel it!

In my past, I most likely would have wallowed in it for a while before moving past it. But really, there's just no point in doing that. 

So, time to move right into the DOING phase. 

Time to just get on with it, to do what I know to do. I'll count the dang calories, I'll move more, I'll just never quit. I don't know what else to do... but to just keep on, and trust that the hard work will pay off. 

I admit, I'm hoping against hope that part of this is water retention.  

:-}

My book quote for today: "...Behind everything you do is a thought, and each individual thought contributes to your overall character... No area of your life is untouched by your thoughts." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "The Lord hears the needy..."

My quote for today: "You cannot make yourself feel something you do not feel, but you can make yourself do right in spite of your feelings!" --Pear S Buck

Enjoy the Journey, and if you're not then at least don't quit!

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1030

JUNE 14th Pluggin Along with Optimism

Yesterday I finished up a 7 part series on my art blog (HERE) that kept me busy and happy. But... that's not the main reason I've been quiet here.

All Tiny Food photos today

credited to: Shay Aaron

Recently I sort of made a decision that I just wasn't going to post if I didn't feel I had anything to say. I finally let go of that feeling of "obligation", or the "supposed to" thoughts, or even guilt. 

Guilt?? Well, because I've received so much support over the last 3 years, and made friends and benefited from the online wt loss community. So I sort of felt it was only fair to give back, ya know? 

(Image credit)

But at this point in my journey, I feel the best way to support others from my blog is to only post when I honestly feel like it! To be genuine, and not force it. 

So, today all I want to share about is a smidge of progress, and a feeling of optimism. 

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Over the last 3 years I've gone round and round with this counting calories thing. Sooo many opinions on that topic! So many different approaches. What works for one, doesn't work for another, yadda yadda yadda. 

(image credit)

I do low carb. That works for ME. I know it's not for everyone, but I love it. Yet I get sooo annoyed with low carbers who INSIST you don't need to count calories. 

"Eating low carb will naturally limit your hunger, and you'll automatically eat less, your blood sugars will be lowered causing less insulin release, hence the weight loss." 

Uh huh.... right. That IS true... for PHYSICAL hunger.

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But my achilles heel has always been: my overeating was not caused by physical hunger. 

I love eating low carb. I ate my last sugar and white flour in March of 2009. Best decision I ever made! Yet... I still struggle to lose weight. 

TOO. MANY. CALORIES. 

Plain and simple. Portion control has always been my nemesis. Well, that and age and menopausal hormones and inability to vigorously exercise... but that's another post. ;-)

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I finally admitted to myself that my resistance to consistently counting calories was mostly rebellion on my part. Why me? Why should *I* have to, when others don't? It's not fair... and other such childish thoughts. 

I've learned so much regarding health and nutrition from listening to podcasts, especially from Jimmy Moore at Livin La Vida Low Carb (HERE).  But I had almost stopped listening recently, because I was sooo tired of the "experts" who insist that if you eat low carb it's like the end-all, be-all panacea for whatever ails the world! 

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Don't get me wrong...I totally believe it's healthy, but I also acknowledge some people don't take to it, for a variety of reasons, and I don't criticize them.

Well, a couple of days ago I listened to just one more podcast. And I am sooo glad I did! Jimmy interviewed diabetes expert Jenny Ruhl, from Bloodsugar101.com  

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Finally, someone who tells it like it is! The title of the free podcast is "The Truth About Low Carb Diets"(HERE).   I might not agree with 100% of what she said (sorry, I don't know about you, but my ancestors weren't amoebae) but she DID address this thing about calories, along with a lot of other interesting info. If you're on low carb and struggling, you might consider giving it a listen.

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Regardless of what "diet" you choose, and regardless of what the promoters of said diet say... calories DO matter in the end. 

So... all that jabbering to say: I'm finally okay with having to count the calories! Maybe someday I won't need to... but for now, it's a tool that will help me stay within healthy limits. 

I discovered that for me, when all is going smoothly in my life, I can "hear" when to stop, and can do my own limiting naturally. 

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But when stress amps up, my "hearing" gets clogged, or maybe I just don't WANT to hear it. Either way, it doesn't work under stressful conditions.

So for now, I count. Until I get closer to goal, until I get better at this, until I just don't need to any more: I count. 

(image credit)

I think a lot of us "know" there is a thing we need to do. A thing we don't WANT to do. A thing we fight, we resist, we justify NOT doing. A thing we might even resent doing. Yet deep down, we know it would be beneficial. My prayer for all of us is: to have the grace to DO it. 

Not talk about it. Not hope about it. Not whine about it. Not think about it. Not read about it. But... to DO it. To add action to the equation. That's what I'm working on.

Pretty boring stuff, nothing new really... but it's just where I'm at. :-D

My book quote for today:  "By the grace of God, each moment is a new beginning, a new dawn for your potential.  Your thoughts can become totally different, and as a result, your character can change and your life can be transformed. God wants you to be completely alive, full of passion, and bursting with joy." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me."

My quote for today: "If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward." --Martin Luther King Jr

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1026

JUNE 6th Aftermath

This morning, I briefly thought about writing a post. That's what you DO on a blog, right? But I didn't. All I could think of was: I got nuthin to say.

Well... now I do.

Jim is doing his civic duty today, for Jury Duty. I'm baby sitting The Pup. She has Barkarrhea today. That's like diarrhea... only with noise instead of... well, you know.

My thumb is infected. Hurts. Has hurt for the last 8 months actually. Some days I get frustrated and start whining and feeling sorry for myself. Some days it feels like my "pain cup" is already full, and the least little thing will make it overflow. The old "I can't take any more" crapola thinking.

So, for the umpteenth time, I bumped said thumb. That was IT. That was all it took... I let out a scream, more in frustration than the pain. Then I felt bad because Joey came running, all worried that something was wrong. She wanted to lick me, to make it better. Sigh... then of course, I felt silly, and my pride wondered if the neighbors heard my meltdown. Double sigh...

THEN... I thought of all the stuff others are going through. Not in the  big world; you could overwhelm yourself if you went there. No, just my own little world... the people I know, my family and friends. And then I really DID feel silly. 

It's not life threatening, or crippling, or even life altering. It just hurts a lot. And sooner or later, it will get better. And I started thinking of all I really DO have to feel thankful about... and it's a lot. 

Yesterday I watched a PBS special: Yanni Live in El Morrow. I've always loved to paint to Yanni music. It's instrumental mostly, and relaxing and uplifting to me. During the special, he said that he doesn't write his music when he is in the middle of hard times. He waits... and writes it after he's gone through the healing/learning process. Ahhh... I could relate. I realized that's the way I like to write my blog, and that's even the way I paint.

So here I am, done with the screaming, and shifting my focus to gratitude.

Thank you, Joey, for interrupting my pity party.

My book quote for today: "I've observed that all lasting change is preceded by changed thinking. Any other type of change will be only temporary. The place to begin, then, is with your thought life, with a revival of your mind." --Tommy Newberry, The 4:8 Principle

My verse for today: "When I said, 'My foot is slipping', your unfailing love, Lord, supported me."

My quote for today: "If you wait for circumstances to be perfect before moving forward, you'll do much more waiting than achieving. If, instead, you make the most of what you have here and now, life will be full indeed. You are here, in this place at this time. There's something unique and wonderful that you can do with it all." --Ralph Marston

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 1018