MAR 14th Continuing On & Grace

Hi there Journal & Friends,

I have a new working computer, but not an ergonomic keyboard yet. I need that with all my hand issues. But part of me wanted to say hello... part of me wants to hide out. :-}

I think that's because I wish I had done better handling my emotions this last week. I did way too much grazing and eating when not even hungry. Oh yeah, I can drum up sympathy because "after all" Daddy just died. But in my heart of hearts, that was a cop out after the first couple of days. 

Really, we can always find an excuse when we want one, yes? And I wanted to eat, to "treat" myself, to float downstream like a dead fish. I'm not trying to be hard on myself or anything like that... just being honest. I wanted to NOT make the effort, to coast, to relax.

And where did that get me?? Farther from my goals, not closer. So.... like I said before, I am striving to get back to that determined place. It's been tough reigning in the relaxed attitude! But there is no other choice. Easy gets me no where. Easy will get me back to over 400 lbs. Easy will take me where I do NOT want to go.

I was thinking... when I say stuff like that, I wonder if I make it sound like all we have to do is snap our fingers and voila! Just make that little choice and it's easy peasy. All this stuff is easy enough to say, but the implementation is another story. Some days it's a minute by minute battle.

And after last weeks battle... I am reminded that for me, it's about Grace. Now... please don't go busting my chops for my less than scholarly definition. But this is what Grace means to ME: that when I was down, in despair, empty and powerless, saying "oh what's the point"... God comes along and reminds me that He would never give up on me. That I was given the gift of Choice. And even when it doesn't "feel" like I can... I can. 

That for me, it's almost always not a matter of "I can't".  But rather, it's a matter of "I won't".

To me, Grace is what I'm given when I haven't earned it... it's a gift. It's what I need in the moment. It's given out of love and compassion, knowing that I need help. It's a reminder that "I CAN do all things through Him who gives me strength."

It's my God replacing my jellyfish of a backbone with one of steel. It's my God replacing my wimpy wishy-washy will with a fiery determination that just won't accept no as an answer!

I think I'd like to make a new goal for October... and work on the healthy behaviors that will include, as a side-effect, weight loss. Hopefully, a good sized chunk, LOL! I plan to put up a countdown clock in the sidebar when I decide on the new goal. In the meantime, I am continuing on, with an optimistic spirit, and a grateful heart. 

Optimistic that I can become healthier, lighter and stronger.

And grateful for Grace.

From Dr Phil's book: "Whatever the situation, you can choose your reaction."

My verse for today: "But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them - yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me."

My quote for today: "It is said that grace enters the soul through a wound."  --Heather McDonald

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 577

Later Gator

Hi!

Just a quick note... my computer is on it's last legs. It keeps going down, and each time might be it's last, taking everything with it. Having to get a new one, so it might be a few days before I surface again... not sure if I can safely be on long enough to visit you or not... we'll see.

Looks like I'm in for a forced blogger vacation!  :-O

See ya'll in a few.

Loretta

=^..^=

Mar 10 Pain and Pounds

Hello Journal & Friends,

First I want to thank you for all the kind, tender and encouraging comments, prayers and good thoughts in regards to my Daddy's passing. I appreciate it more than is possibile to explain here... just know that to me, it felt like a bunch of warm and friendly hugs. :-)

This week has been hard, obviously. For so many reasons. One thing I wanted to share was an interesting experience from the viewpoint of a recovering food addict. 

You know how we have those old tapes in our heads?? Those thoughts that automatically start playing, and if we aren't aware and careful, off we go, acting on them like little robots.

Well, Monday, shortly after I got the news that Daddy had died, as the reality of it started to sink in, I went into the kitchen. My Dad had just died... and what was I thinking?? Loud and clear in my head: MACARONI AND CHEESE.

 I didn't even have to hit "Play" on that tape. It turned on all by itself, instantly, loud and clear. Yes, the tape was still in there, alive and well.

And I saw it... hot and steaming and ooey gooey and cheesey. Big, huge, heaping, gigantic bowlfuls of it. 

And I knew without a doubt it WOULD make me feel better. Absolutely it would, no doubt about it... temporarily. 

From long years of practice, I knew just how to plan my "escape". I had it perfected! I would get my "drugs" all prepared, and it would be when I was alone, of course. And I would find something on tv to complete the "zone out". And I would eat and watch tv until I was forced to stop, simply because I could not possibly stuff in one more bite. 

So... back to the kitchen. I sat there, with visions of mac n cheese dancing in my head. And then I asked myself one question: THEN WHAT??

After I had eaten enough to bust a gut, then what? 

After I was forced to stop and come back to reality, then what?

After it was all gone, and there was no more "drug", then what?

Then... I would still be left to face the pain, and I would have the pounds to go along with it now.

Pain and pounds.

So, I mused... if I had to face the pain anyway, sooner or later, then I just didn't want the pounds TOO. 

I was only making it worse. I was only DELAYING the inevitable.

And I realized I just wasn't interested this time. No thanks.

I wish I could say that insight carried me all week. It did not. Oh, there were no binges or blow-outs. But I have been grazing, and eating when not hungry. I didn't have the fire, the spunk... I felt deflated, like the fight had gone out of me. I just didn't feel like putting up the needed resistance. And I gave in and pampered myself. 

Yet I hadn't forgotten what Jules at Big Girl Bombshell had cautioned me that first day. She had gone through something similar, and even though you handle it well at first, "It" will try to sneak back in later, so be on guard.

Last night I finally admitted to myself that I had allowed "It" to push me around all week. I had listened to the excuses, and had not fought back. I had felt like an orphan, and let that oh-poor-me attitude influence my choices to pamper myself.

My Daddy was a strong, opinionated, hard working man. No way would he sit around feeling sorry for himself. He lived in charge, and he died in charge. He was never a victim! He always met life head on and didn't hide. 

Today, I am going to draw on Daddy's spunk. His feistyness. His fire. His determination.

No more excuses. I'm back.

From Dr Phil's book: "Whatever the situation, you can choose your reaction."

My verse for today: "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

My quote for today: "If you are going through hell, keep going." --Winston Churchiill

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 573

March 7th 2011 Goodbye Daddy

Hi Journal & Friends,

Daddy is at peace now. 

He made the transition from this life into the next this morning shortly before noon. He died the way he lived: in charge. That makes me smile through my tears. He refused to be a "vegetable", refused a tracheotomy, and refused being put into a long-term care facility. So, he had them remove the intubation, but his lungs just could not keep up. He lasted for an hour breathing on his own, before the CO2 built up.

It hurts me I could not be there. But it comforts me to know he was surrounded by love... my big brother and his wife, and Daddy's new wife, my other brother and family... were all there. They prayed with him and loved him on his way.  

In the Army, Dad was with the military police that was sent to Hiroshima, Japan-- ground zero-- after they dropped the bomb. Later he became a cop on the Los Angeles police force. He went to law school at night, and finally became an attorney, mostly practicing Administrative law. He was particularly proud of the case he took all the way to the Supreme Court of the United States... and won! Later he became an arbitration judge, and finally-- a lifelong dream of his-- he was appointed a Federal Court Judge.

Our relationship was rocky to start, due to the divorce of Mom and Dad when I was 10 years old. But after I met Jesus, and learned what it meant to be forgiven and to really love, I changed. I could truly forgive my Daddy, and reached out to him when I was 25 years old. Our relationship got better after that, and I loved and respected him.

And oh, the stories he could tell! From the wild and wooly "cowboy days" in Oklahoma, to the cop years with the car chases and all that... to the famous clients and cases he rubbed elbows with as an attorney in Southern California. I tried to get him to write an autobiography, but he wouldn't. I've not talked a lot about him here... Daddy was BIG on privacy. But now I proudly introduce you to my Daddy:

The Honorable Frank Ray Brown, 

Judge, United States District Court.

Daddy was an Army Ranger. He had this 1945 portrait taken in Japan while stationed in Hiroshima as part of the military police (can click any pics to enlarge).

When I close my eyes, this is how I remember Daddy... in his suit and tie at his law office. Strong, decisive, a powerful personality.

Daddy drove up here to Oregon with my brother from Southern California in 2002. It was winter and snowy... and he wore his favorite sweater all the time. 

The last time I saw him in person was 2 years later in 2004, when he drove up here to Oregon, to visit my Mom who was dying. They reminisced awhile, and remembered that "we really were in love, weren't we?"  He was so gentle and tender with her. Before he left, he hugged her, called her "Babe", and kissed her on the lips. Later, she was like a teenager... it's as though she went back all those years, to the good times before the divorce, and had such a smile on her face. I always thought that was such a kind thing for him to do. 

Yes, they did have a time when they were "really in love". Us four kids are proof of that love.

Loretta

Daughter of Frank Ray Brown

1921 - 2011

MAR 4 The "I'll Never Quit" Club

Hi Journal & Friends,

Hello, my name is Loretta, and I'm a member of the "I'll Never Quit" Club.

Well, since so many of you feel like I do right now... that we are declaring:

regardless of how we feel

regardless of circumstances

regardless of ANYTHING

We. Will. Never. Quit.

We are drawing a line in the sand, and not taking no for answer. So listen up, "feelings"... you ain't the boss of us! This journey is not feelings dependent. 

Oh sure, it's fun when they play along... but they are not necessary for our success. We are Weight Loss Warriors, not just for the fun of saying it... but in reality. Because we CHOOSE TO BE.

So for the fun of it, I made the club badge up in different colors for anyone who might like one for a little reminder. I know it's hard to fathom... but not everyone has an affinity for hot pink... imagine that!!

Here they are, help yourselves. :-)

Enjoy the journey when you can; the rest of the time just KEEP GOING!

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 567

PS: Daddy made it through the surgery to insert the feeding tube, and is holding his own. Thank you to all who prayed and offered your good thoughts. :-)

MAR 2 I. Will. Finish. This. Race.

Hi there Journal & Friends,

I know I posted this video last August... but like I've said before, I write what *I* need to read. And I needed the reminder.

I may be slow. I may make lots of mistakes. I may need to get up after falling over and over... But I will not quit. I WILL finish. God has never given up on me, and so I won't give up, either.

I got a call yesterday from my big brother on Southern California. Daddy isn't doing well. Intubated for breathing, putting in a feeding tube... all that. The consensus is, he won't be here in September, when the family gathering had been planned. I wrote about that last Friday, in my Shooting For The Moon   post, where I shared my goal of getting Lighter and Stronger so I could make the trip in September.

So you can imagine how I feel now. Even if I just whipped out the ol' credit card and charged it all, even if Jim could demand the time off work... doesn't matter. I am still not physically able yet to make the trip. And that stirs up painful memories of all the other times in life I missed out, due to weight. It's tough... I can't change that, it's history, but it's still hard to swallow. All I can do is use it as fuel to propel me forward. To look ahead, not back.

I don't know what will happen. Daddy is a tough ol' bird.  He is 89, and took a new bride last year. And up until a few months ago was still working part time, as a Federal Judge. So for all I know, he could just decide to hang around til September. He's like that... he makes up his mind, bang goes the gavel, and that's that. He was excited about meeting his great-granddaughter for the first time in September, when we all were to come down from Oregon to SoCal.

Either way... I will finish this race. And I will either see Daddy here... or There.

Never Ever Give Up In Life--Derek Redmond

From Dr Phil's book: "There is rarely a time in your life when all is at peace and balance. That's neither good nor bad; it is simply the ebb and flow of how life works. To be alive means to experience emotions, painful or otherwise."

My verse for today: "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

My quote for today: "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." --Dale Carnegie

Complete the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 565

MAR 1 Squirrelly Thinking & Eyes On the Goal

Hi Journal & Friends,

Have you ever reacted weirdly to a compliment?? I did, just recently. Someone found an old photo of me, and wanted to encourage me by noting how far I've come. It was sincere and kind, and with the best of intentions.

Here's the photo, from 1999:

Then my squirrelly thinking kicked in...

And somehow I turned it around and about 3 days later, when I surfaced back to sanity, I realized I had been thinking things like, "Wow, yeah, I HAVE come a long way... I can take a break", and "look how far I've come, I deserve a rest."

And I did. I rested. I slacked off the little exercise I was doing... I didn't count calories. Aaagggghhhh!!!!

Enough. I just can't look BACKward. I need to keep looking forward, and keep my eyes on the goal. Someday I can bask in what I accomplished... AFTER I reach goal. But I just can't open the door to more squirrelly thinking. You'd think I would be past it...  but, there it is. Sometimes I even avoid looking at my weight loss ticker, since occasionally it triggers that same squirrelly response!

So yesterday I stuck to my schedule, with my eyes FORWARD. Did my Chair Boxing... lots of chores... got lots of stuff done. Today... Ditto that is the plan.

Oh, and today was the first of the month weigh day: 337. Only two pounds down. Sigh... that put me back down to where I was... last summer! It is so tempting to feel demoralized... but I am owning it. I did it. Therefore, I can change it. I will continue, and am determined to get this right. 

The reality is, squirrelly thinking comes at a price!

Down with squirrelly thinking and procrastination... up with gettin' stuff done!

From Dr Phil's book: "Your thoughts powerfully program you."

My verse for today: "I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

My quote for today: "Never quit. Don't ever, ever quit. Recognize that stopping now, regrouping to try a new approach isn't quitting. If you quit you'll regret it forever." --Rudy Ruettiger

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

=^..^=

DAY 564