APRIL 15TH CHANGE O DIRECTION IN MY LIFE

Buckle your seatbelts… change of direction coming.

From now on this blog Is just going to be about me today and where my last journey is taking me around A new corner. I can no longer type with both hands so I'm using a dictation app which is sort of goofy doesn't work weLL BUT BETTER THAN nothing please forgive typos and clunky formatting

If you would prefer ALL upbeat BETTER SCHOOCH ALONG there're a lot of others out there who are wonderful at that

But this is just my story :

I’m a left-handed artist who is now Learning to except complete loss of Left sidE. Yeah I'm still in the HEY THIS AINT FAIR PHASE. And my dear sister Karen SAID something to me the other day that really helped : she said it's okay to cry ITS OKAY TO CRY! And I said well that's good because I've been CRYING A LOT lately.

SO there you go the last gRAND adventure.

My heart is broken for so many people HURTING  around the world right now. PLEASE BE Aware now, THAT IF TALK OF GOD makeS YOU UN comfortable that's okay I understand BUT YOU ARE Still welcome here WITH open arms right now GOD is the only thing SOLID that I have to hold onTO.

GODs been so kind to me and Never rejected me but always been there for me NO MATTER HOW much I GOOF UP.

THIIS  is so hard on my sweetheart OF 43 years Jim. He is taking such good care of me AND DOES everything everything everyday LATE INTO MANY NITES. I am so blessed to Have been married to him all these years what a guy.

 A Couple of days ago HE WAS so tired, AND I said a prayer, God how can I love him betteR, he deserves better. And I was so surprised to instantly get a reply OH,I didn't hear a voice I'm not that crazy but I DID heAR an IDEA: I was reminded OF AN old hYMN CALLED Learning to lean…  the whole point OF THE IDEA IS TO LEARN TO  LEAN ON JESUS, NOT SO HARD ON MY JIM. IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE GOD WAS REALLY RIGHT THERE AS I SAID MY REQUEST , AND IT WAS SWEET THAT I GOT SUCH A FAST ANSWER 

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Learning to lean

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Sad, broken-hearted, at an alter I knelt

I found peace that was so serene

And all that He asks is a child like trust

And a heart that is learning to lean

Learning to lean

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Learning to lean

Learning to lean

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Finding more power than I've ever dreamed

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

I'm learning to lean on Jesus

Songwriters: Jeannie Vee Clattenburg

PLEASE, LORD LET ALL THE SCARED AND HURTING PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD KNOW THEY CAN LEAN INTO YOU, AND YOU WILL HOLD ALL O F US, ME TOO, AND FIND COMFORT AND HOPE.  

HUGS, 

RETTA

Jan 16th.... Celebrating and Learning

I can’t believe it’s been this long since I last posted. Oh well. 2019 was a rough year, health wise. But somehow (to my amazement and gratitude), I’ve finally passed the 200 lbs lost mark. 

206 to be exact. Highest weight 460. Current weight 254. Final goal 199.

Gee. That amazes even me. It took years, but I’m finally there. I was thinking today… at first I felt really proud of myself. Yet found there was also a sadness. If I had only done this sooner….You know, all those regrets.

 So please, kiddos, don’t do as I did. Do it sooner, not later. I need to just accept that disappointment over waiting so long, and then get on with being happy about the progress. What’s the cliche we throw around? Progress, not perfection. 

No Time to Monkey Around

by Retta

I discovered a lovely new artist on FB that I am following. Pat Butynski is her name. She is going through some rough times herself, but still makes wonderful art. She has this ability to be in touch with and honest with her feelings  (grief over losing her Mother last week, and her own heath issues).

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve really learned how to integrate the down times, and feel them, and still have the Joy. So I tend to focus on only the Joy, and try to ignore the hard stuff.

 But she writes beautifully of this. I’m listening Lord. Teach me.

 Grabbing a cuppa sunshine - 6” x 8” mixed media rough sketch study 

by  Pat Butynski

https://www.instagram.com/patbutynskiarttalk/

 Later Gators,

Retta

Edited to add: I realized today (Sunday the 19th) that I wrote here I had "waited so long". Uh,,, no. I tried repeatedly all my life. Just with methods that didn't work for ME. So, let's just say I regret not having found MY way sooner. It's true. And I like that better. :-)

May 11th... Slower than Slow and Gratitude

It’s been going glacially slow for me these last months. Just when I get going, seemed like I hit another speed bump in the road. 

I feel like Tim Conway in this funny video. Everything is slow motion!!

38 seconds of Slo Mo Tim Conway

Still bouncing around 261. Still haven’t busted through to that fun goal of 200 lbs lost. Well, I suppose 199 lbs lost ain’t bad… ha ha, ya think?!

But it IS frustrating to be stuck again. Been hard lately.

• Had a sad, sad event. My big brother, Phil, passed away in February. I miss him so much. It catches me unawares at times, and hurts all over again.

• Had minor foot surgery. Ended my "get up and move more" plan.

• Had a bad fall that injured both shoulders. One is better, the other has a date with an xray soon.

• Had bad news for Joey. She was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Needs insulin twice a day. She is so small, and to check her blood glucose from the tiny veins in  her itty bitty ears is very stressful… for her and for me. We almost lost her, she got so emaciated before we got it under control. She is slowly getting her mojo back, gently and carefully.

• Had a minor stroke a couple of weeks ago. Affected vision, hearing and speech. Vision and hearing back to normal. Speech better, just a stutter occasionally when trying to say words now. 

But... I am truly thankful it was minor. My brain has a date with an MRI soon. I, too, am slowly getting my mojo back. Gently and carefully, too.

Joey, our girl Mini Schnauzer, 

laying against Jim's pillow, her

favorite place

My goodness! This is the first time I’ve put all the "drama" together in one list like this. Holy cow, no wonder I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat. Sean Anderson wrote in his blog today: 

This pain intolerance or intense pursuit of feeling "normal" again reminds me of the pattern I've had with emotions, stress, and food my entire life. Not wanting to feel uncomfortable or flat out refusing to feel uncomfortable or feeling any feelings if those feelings create resistance to feeling "okay," makes sense to me.My deeply ingrained pattern involves avoiding all conflict and accompanying feelings. Avoiding natural feelings of life stunts emotional growth. Avoiding the feels doesn't make 'em go away, it just sets 'em on simmer, below the surface--constantly bubbling up in everything we do. Feeling feelings and working through them instead of around them, changes things dramatically because it encourages real solutions instead of band-aids.” (please go here for the complete post) 

I sure can relate to what Sean wrote. Totally. I’m not gaining weight over all this, but it makes for some rocky feelings to process.

I have a verse I am trying to memorize thanks to all this drama. 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”   (Philippians 4:6,7)

I must admit, the hardest part for me is to avoid getting stuck in the problem, and to focus on that Thanksgiving part. But when I do… the Peace comes. And I so want more of that Peace. 

Joy Comes in the Morning

by Retta Stephenson

Continuing the Journey with a (most of the time) grateful heart,

Retta

Sept 16th... Wild Ride and Doing Great

A quick update to let the world know I'm still alive n kicking.












The surgery went just fine.
Was a wild ride for awhile, but I'm doing very well now.








I recently realized how close I am to cracking the "lost 200 lbs" mark, and I'm starting to get excited about that. I'm sitting at 271 right now, having started at 460. So only 11 more pounds to go for a fun number to achieve! Still mostly doing the ketogenic diet. Trying to move more, now that I don't have as much to haul around, ha ha.

It's been hard. And I still goof up now and then. But overall, things are going in the right direction. I'm so very thankful.

Still on the Journey,

Retta

=^..^=

Aug 30th Finally, Progress!!

Just popping in to say hello. 

I am finally scheduled to have my surgery for endometrial cancer this Friday. At last! I’ll be glad to have it over with, and get on with the healing. It’s going to be Robotic assisted laparoscopic surgery. Smaller holes drilled into the tummy, faster healing time, so that’s cool. 

I’ve been working hard these last few months on weight loss and getting healthy for the surgery. I can gratefully say that for the first time in THIRTY THREE YEARS, I am in the 2’s!!!!! This last Monday I busted through the barrier and hit 297. Barely into the twosies, but if it has a 2 in the front… I’ll take it!!!!

Good news also about that leg wound that was being stubborn to heal. There were 2 wounds, and I started going to the Wound Clinic a YEAR ago. The littler one has finally closed up 2 weeks ago, and the bigger one is now only about 1 1/2 inch diameter. Huge progress. Yay!

One of these days I’ll get a new progress pic put up. Just not been a priority. I’ve not really had much to say. I’ve been watching a tv show that both irritates me (cuz I see my own flaws in the behavior of the people on it) and inspires me, called My 600 LB Life. And today the doctor on the show, Dr Nowzaradan said to a lady who was still in the “excuse phase”: 

She can SAY whatever she wants, but I’m interested in what she DOES.

Ouch. I think that is why I’ve been so quiet on my blog. What’s to say??? I just needed DO it, not jabber about it. (Edited to add: that's aimed at only ME, no one else. I needed to DO, not just talk about it. I think that since I was writing/talking about it, I somehow felt like I was DOING something. I finally got the message that they are not the same, ha ha!)

Anyway, that’s about it from smokey Oregon. Hugs to all,

Retta

Jan 12rd.... Not Dead Yet - Every Day is a Gift.

If you ever want to be humbled a bit, just go back and re-read something you wrote years ago. When things were a little easier. When you were still losing weight, albeit slowly.

Photo credit HERE

I did that today. Ugh. What I read was true, and I still agree with it. But... it felt shallow. Like written by a sincere newbie. Oh...... oops. That's what I was. :-}

So, I'll cut myself some slack, and just learn from true parts. It's HERE in case anyone has some time on their hands.

It's called "What's Wrong with Hard?". Good article. Except if you ask me today, after almost 2 years of one serious medical thing after another, and being totally exhausted over it all, I'd say:

Enough already!! I'm ready for a break!! I've had enough of Hard. Give me some Easy for a change!!

I read this line and found myself irritated: "I think that when something is hard, we have to perceive that WE ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO MEET THE CHALLENGE."

And I've felt so worn down, I realized when I read that sentence, that I was NOT thinking of myself that way.  I was NOT being thankful and appreciative. I was NOT leaning on the Lord for strength and patience and endurance.

I was just NOT... you name it, I was not.

I have another birthday looming on the horizon. For my birthday, I am going to do an internal inventory. And change those attitudes that need changing.

Every Day is a Gift. 

Photo credit HERE

With gratitude I still have another chance at this journey,

Retta

PS: around here in Southern Oregon are several farms that raise alpacas. So we are trying to find one with winter hours where we can see these adorable critters in person.

Sept 23rd... Knocked Down Again, Gettin' Up Again

Yesterday was tough. I felt beat up, beat down, and ready to “accept” that this was the way it was. This was it.

I felt like I was becoming a professional patient, with 2 to 4 medical appointments a week. It drained all my energy just to keep up, with nothing left over for my hopes and dreams. 

I asked someone about it, and they gave me logic. Well, when you get older, this is just the way it is… that kind of thinking. I felt defeated and in tears.

This morning a thought hit me: but what does God say about it??

I thought of verses that say things like “He will renew your youth like the eagle”. And “You will bear fruit even in old age”. But the doubts… oh the doubts. Was this for me? Even me? In spite of all my screw ups?

I opened my email this morning, and saw my Daily Promise, a newsletter I get with a verse for each day of the year. Of all 365 days, guess what I got THIS day??

“I will enrich your life and renew your youth like the eagle’s.”

That’s just too much coincidence for me to ignore!

Then, I happened to stumble on article (some link to another link to another link…) that had me in tears. The good kind. Here is one paragraph:

“Life will never be flawless. It will often slap us with humility and failures.

It’s a series of ups and downs. Getting smacks and punches are inevitable.

However, the desire of getting up should be stronger than those jabs.”

Link to whole article:

https://medium.com/the-mission/9-late-bloomer-success-stories-who-prove-its-never-too-late-to-achieve-your-dreams-b036688da6f

It tells about people who overcame adversity, even older people who achieved their dreams in spite of everything.

And it encouraged me. Greatly. If you need a shot in the arm of Encouragement today, I’d highly recommend carving out about 10 minutes to read and absorb this wonderful article.

"A Hope and a Future"

by Retta Stephenson 

This journey to health is not a straight line graph. Mine, at least, has had lots of ups and down. I'm so ready for some ups!

Continuing the journey,

Retta

June 18th Finally Feeling a Little Hope

Don't have a lot to say. Still struggling with the medication side effects.

It's finally warm here in Oregon, and I've been able to do pool exercises almost every day in my little backyard therapy pool. Just that change alone has been very encouraging. Our trees are in bloom and the bees, bumblebees and butterflies are fun to watch while I exercise.

Was cleaning out some old files, and found this prayer from a 17th century Nun. It really tickled me, so I thought I'd pass it on, in the off chance that I'm not the only one that can relate to it. ;-)

Lord, Thou knowest better than I know myself, that I am growing older 

and will someday be old. Keep me from the fatal habit of thinking I must

say something on every subject and every occasion. 

Release me from craving to straighten out everybody's affairs. 
Make me thoughtful but not moody; helpful but not bossy. 
With my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity not to use it all, 
but Thou knowest Lord that I want a few friends at the end. 

Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; 
give me wings to get to the point. Seal my lips from aches and pains. 
They are increasing, and love of rehearsing them is becoming sweeter 
as the years go by. I dare not ask for grace enough to enjoy the tales 
of others' pains, but help me to endure them with patience.

I dare not ask for improved memory, but for a growing humility and a 
sureness when my memory seems to clash with the memories of others. 
Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be mistaken.

Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not want to be a saint - 
some of them are so hard to live with - but a sour old person 
is one of the crowning works of the devil.

Give me the ability to see good things in unexpected places, 
and talents in unexpected people. 
And give me, O Lord, the grace to tell them so. 
Amen.

Still on the journey,

Retta

May 2nd Determined to Never Quit

Just a quick check in. Still alive an' kicking.  But also frustrated. Haven't figured out a work-around yet to the effects of this medication.

It's a hormone that suppresses tumor growth. But they warn you it... makes you gain weight. Say what?!!

I naively thought "Well, that won't happen to ME". All good intentions aside, it did. So now I'm back UP to where I was a year ago, at 337. 

I've decided not to play victim or make excuses. I'll keep experimenting, and looking for solutions. It will soon be warm enough here in Oregon to get my little outdoor therapy pool up and running. Maybe that will tip the balance in my favor, towards progress! One can hope. :-)

Hangin' in there,

Retta

=^..^=

Mar 22nd...One In A Million, Again!

Sometimes I think I need to go back and re-read my own posts! Like... a sentence from this post: 

In our own lives, this means "choosing to live your life intentionally and acting with purpose rather than mindlessly falling victim to whatever comes your way."

I just realized this morning that I have been doing exactly what that line says  NOT to do. Sheesh. It feels as though every time I get some traction going in this weight loss/health thing, along comes something to kick me to the curb.

How does that sound to my own ears?? Whine whine whine, excuse excuse excuse, victim victim victim.

Yet, sometimes we don't hear ourselves! A little while ago I was on the phone talking to my sweet, empathic Sister. She said something that really stopped me, and helped me very much. She said it sounded like I was allowing excuses to stop me from making progress. Ouch! But she was right. I just hadn't been listening to what I was saying. I really appreciated that truthful reminder said in love.

So, I'm going back to basics... again. And what was the first line that I read???!! This sentence from Dr Marty Lerners free booklet:

"I would encourage anyone with an eating disorder, 

or any addiction for that matter, to measure progress 

in terms of how one is doing rather than how one 

may be feeling at a given time."

Wow, how could I have forgotten that?!

Doing? Lousy. Inconsistent. Poor choices.

Feeling? Frustrated. Discouraged. Angry.

Why? I looked at circumstances, and fell victim "to whatever comes your way", as it said above.

My title for this blog post came from something a doctor told me years ago right before a medical procedure. "Oh, it's safe. It's one in a million that anything ever goes wrong."

Uh huh. That day I was that one in a million.

Back to present day. Went in for what was to be my LAST dental surgery. I was so excited to be at the end of a long process. And so what happened??

Again, I was that one in a million. Aaarrrgghhh!

They sliced open the upper gum and peeled it back to work on my brand new shiny implants, to get ready for my permanent dentures. Part of the work involved placing a tiny "torque test" tool inside the implant, to test how strongly it was bonded to the bone. I've had this little test done many times before. No biggee.

Except, this time it was a biggee. The tiny tool broke off INSIDE my implant!!!! It felt like they were pick-axing to China as they desperately tried to get it out. No go... wouldn't budge.

So they sewed me back up with the broken part still inside me!! That was last week. No teeth, no dentures, no chewing. Waiting for the manufacturer to send a special "retrieval" tool, and then I get to go back and repeat the whole surgery all over again.

I'm not mad at the dental surgeon at all. He's very skilled, and has been great these last couple of years. And he's refusing to even charge me for this go around (and he told me that BEFORE the fiasco). 

It's just these thoughts of... "Come on, now what??!!!" And "I can't believe this happened to me!"

And so I pouted and ate and complained and allowed stinkin' thinkin' to make me discouraged. Funny thing is... I had forgotten that when I can't chew anything, and it's all mushy or liquid, I don't seem to ever feel satisfied. Never full. Never satiated. Always want MORE. So I ate more. Now I weigh more. Sigh....

My action plan?? Back to basics. No huge changes, other than my thinking. Just DOING what I should be doing.

SERF

S = spirituality

E = exercise

R = rest

F = food plan

Plain. Simple. Doable. I dunno... there is something comforting in a simple plan. So that's what I'm DOING now. 

And the cancer surgery?? Still waiting. It's actually taken, literally, months to get appointments with the various specialists I've been told to see. Ooh la la, they are so elite and elusive. 

In the meantime... I'm off to go SERFing. :-}

Still on the Journey,

Retta

Jan 11th... Learning to Love this Process

Today I read a fascinating article by writer James Clear. He told the story of a German philosophy professor who had moved to Japan in the 1920's to learn Kyudo, which is the Japanese martial art of archery. 

The German man, Eugen Herrigel, also eventually learned Zanshin: a state of relaxed alertness. 

"Zanshin is being constantly aware of your body, mind, and surroundings without stressing yourself. It is an effortless vigilance."

In our own lives, this means "choosing to live your life intentionally and acting with purpose rather than mindlessly falling victim to whatever comes your way."

I LOVED that I read this article this morning! I had just finished trying to hammer out a new, simplified daily schedule. I need more hours in the day! I have goals and dreams, yet need to fulfill the daily practical chores and commitments. And for health's sake, that must include time for Spirituality, Exercise, Rest and a healthy Food Plan.

Later in this article (which I hope you'll read in full HERE) James Clear writes: 

"The point is not to worry about hitting the target. The point is to fall in love with the boredom of doing the work  and embrace each piece of the process. The point is to take that moment of zanshin, that moment of complete awareness and focus, and carry it with you everywhere in life."

For me, I would re-word one part this way: To fall in love with the process. His sentence about that struck me hard. I absolutely LOVE the process of imagining, planning, researching and creating a new painting. Love it!

Yet, have I applied that to the PROCESS of getting healthy?? Uh, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I usually have the final goal in mind! As in... lose this weight, get all health-i-fied, and get on with the rest of my life!

In fact I was just complaining this very morning to MyGuy that I needed to simplify. It's just getting too darn complicated! 

In addition to tracking calories, I was trying to keep up with grams of protein, carbs and fat; exercise; supplements; prescriptions; doctors appointments; support group meetings; and now per the doctors, the micrograms of Vitamin K in every bite, and to eat those same micrograms each day. Yeesh!! Tooooo much!

Ummmm.... I need to change my attitude.

I plan to re-read this article, and see how I can do that. How I can apply "effortless vigilance" - Zanshin -  to this process of gaining Health.

My book quote for today: "People don't fall off track because they do the wrong exercises at the gym. They fall off track because they stop going, just for a day or two, and then never go back. I've worked on this with thousands of patients, and it's the habit and routine of exercise that leads to success." --Younger Next Year for Women, by Crowley & Lodge

My verse for today: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!" from Isaiah 43

Enjoy the journey... which I finally realize means to fall in love with the process!!!!

Retta

=^..^=

Dec 22nd Ending the Year with Hope & Peace

So many changes, so much to feel thankful about. 

Very busy, like everyone else. :-)

I'm feeling encouraged and hopeful. Lots to think about, lots to learn, lots to do.

Do.

That's the key. Consistently do.

I'm still working on my SERF practices. That stands for Spiritual, Exercise, Rest, and Food Plan. Simple, yes, but easy for me to remember.

In case anyone missed it, I wanted to offer a Christmas present to ya'll: 

a free e-book from Dr Marty Lerner (link below). 

It's the one that I feel God used to show me some pieces to the puzzle that I had been missing. It's not just a bunch of theory. Anyone on this journey to health very long has had it up to HERE with theory, yes?!

It's action oriented. Short. Practical. Sure... work on the Whys all you want. But in the meantime, DO. That's the book in a nutshell. In fact, in his 30-ish years of running an addiction clinic (Milestones in Recovery), Dr Lerner has been convinced that until we get our behinds fully into DO mode, we will be side-tracked and stuck forever in the WHY mode. That we will have the cart before the horse. 

So his solution: DO. Then once rolling in the right direction, we can work on the other stuff.

Highly recommended. Here is the link to the free ebook, no strings attached. 

Merry Christmas!

My book quote for today: "You make a daily choice in how the rest of your life goes, and it can be great. The rules are straightforward: exercise hard and you will grow younger. Care about other people and you will grow happier. Build a life that you think means something and you will grow richer." --Crowley and Lodge, Younger Next Year for Women

My verse for today: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

My quote for today:"Be like the bird who, pausing in her flight on limb too slight, feel it give way beneath her, yet sings, knowing she hath wings." --Victor Hugo

Retta

=^..^=

Nov 10th Surgery All Over.... NOT!!!

Hi guys. I’m alive and kicking. But struggling to have a good attitude. It has been a grueling 3 days, and an emotional roller coaster. Honestly, I just want to cry.

My surgery was canceled. I am home now. I was ON THE OPERATING TABLE, they were getting to put me under. I was all set to either wake up to see the face of Jesus, or wake up to see my Sweetie’s face. Either way would have been a good thing.

Then, I went into AFib. That is a heart on overdrive, like a runaway train. It hit 170 before they got meds into me; brought down to the 130’s, then 120’s, but wouldn’t go lower.

They did an ekg, tried sedatives, etc etc. Wouldn’t budge for hours. Obviously, the operation was canceled. I was sent home to take meds and “get better”. Come back when it’s “safer”.

Well gee… it’s not like this is elective cosmetic surgery!! It's for cancer. Which is progressive!!

I’ve been all over the map emotionally; mostly down. I thought this “diet” was over. I thought the surgery would be over. I thought the pressure to perform, weight wise, was over. 

I was so confused, frustrated, angry and depressed. The anger, which I had to face that I had, was because of all the mistakes that were made. Like… my records from THREE different docs down here were never faxed up north, and it took hours to find them. The cardiologist who saw me after the event never bothered to look at my medical records, and prescribed a med for me that would have been harmful to me. Duh! I had to catch it myself, and call my regular provider once I was home to get it changed.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the screw ups. Suffice to say, this "good little girl" actually does NOT feel bad for having anger over the mess ups. That is one positive. 

But the bottomline… I feel exhausted. Emotionally, physically, even spiritually. I need me some serious Recovery time. As in extended vacation time. From life. From stress. From disappointments. 

I called my Pastor this evening, and since he himself went thru cancer surgery last year, he understood the situation. Basically, he said I may never know WHY my surgery was “interupped” at the last minute. But I am to focus on the positives. And that is this: if the AFib had hit DURING surgery, the doctors had said I would either be dead, or had a stroke or heart attack. 

Period. 

This is real life. This is how it is. At one point, I even felt like saying "Oh screw it", and just eat and eat and eat and eat....

As I looked at the vending machine full of candy at the hospital (!!) I said to my hubby "Oh, I'd give anything for some M&M's!!

And he asked: "Even your life?"

Riiiggghhhtttt. I quickly moved myself far away from said vending machine.

So... the journey to wellness continues. Life goes on. And I want to regain an attitude of gratitude. Not there yet... but it's getting closer.

Life is precious. Life is short. Love one another.

Retta

Nov 6th Gratitude, Service & Surgery

Still studying the book from Dr Marty Lerner I talked about in this post. 

It's short, more of a booklet. But packed with years of experience and wisdom. I've been stuck on this sentence in Chapter 3:

"The true nature of the problem, especially with respect to addictions has to do with almost total self-absorption and self-consciousness."

And: "...most of our struggles have to do with repetitive and obsessive self-centered thoughts".

I used to call it navel watching... remembering the old cartoon of the guy sitting and staring at his own belly button. And I've actually wondered at times if continuing long term with my blog was navel watching! Or, as Dr Lerner more eloquently puts it: self-absorption and self-consciousness.

Four statues of satyrs in the Louvre, depicting omphaloskepsis - navel gazing -  as an aid to meditation

I mean... I know all the "how it got started in my life" stuff. I've made peace with it. It's not about blame. Rather, it's about understanding. 

I've found a way of eating that is healthy and I can do for life: low carb, sugar free.

Now I am left with just one thing, according to Dr Lerner: DO IT. Do the next right thing. Focus on recovery, not weight loss. And the weight loss will follow as I DO the right things. What's left to talk about??

Shortly after I read this page in Dr Lerner's book about all this self-absorption, I read a blog post from Sean Anderson. In passing at the end, he mentioned Gratitude and Service. And those words lit up in neon for me! 

Gratitude and Service. I had used this phrase for years as a reminder: Love God, love others. It's truth, yet somehow it seemed a little bit lofty or esoteric. But if you put feet to it, action to it... it turns into Gratitude and Service!

Now it's no longer just "I am grateful to God for....". Me, me, me. I, I, I.... Yes, I am totally grateful, and want to be aware and express that gratitude. But now it doesn't stop with ME. As in that self-absorption and self-centered thoughts. (Now please don't go and misinterpret that; having a gratitude journal is life changing, and highly recommended!!!! I'm talking about MY hang-ups here).

But for me, now adding Service to the equation takes my thoughts beyond myself, and the arrows are not stuck constantly INWARD. I want to learn to get them to aim OUTward. I can ask myself how I can be of Service? Is there a gift I have been given that can be used as a blessing to others? To be of Service?

The day before all these thoughts hit me, I read something about Benjamin Franklin. He began each day with this question: "What good shall I do this day?" 

And he ended the day with "What good have I done this day?" He obviously had a heart to be of Service.

So... that's what I have been studying. That's where my journey is taking me. Some of it can feel uncomfortable. But I feel good about the direction.

Still on the journey,

Retta

A Big PS: I didn't want to make a huge post about medical stuff, making it into a big deal. But thought it would not be very courteous to just disappear without explanation. I'm not God. I can't predict the future, or when it's my turn to die and go to Heaven. But I was recently diagnosed with Endometrial Cancer. It's still only Stage 1; the prognosis is excellent, and my surgery is on Wednesday, Nov 9th. 

The doctors are still fretting over my weight. It does not count how much I have lost; it counts what I am NOW to them. I was 310 this morning, and that still puts me in the high risk category. But quite a few things have been happening in my favor the last couple of months that make me feel like God is looking out for me, and encouraging and reassuring me. So... I am hopeful. If you are so inclined, I would appreciate prayers. Thanks ya'll, and see you in a few weeks! =^..^=

A Kitty for Nancy 

Sept 19th Dandelions and A New Focus

Having seriously contemplated my own mortality lately I have noticed some things.

Now, when I think a nice thing about someone I am with, I want to I tell them.

Now, when I think of someone, I try to call them.

Now, I try to bite my tongue when tempted to be snippy, and instead appreciate and love my Sweetie. Let go of the unimportant, and cherish the important.

Now, I notice little joys around me. Like colors, flowers, cerulean blue skies, white puffy clouds, the way my Pup plays and laughs and barks with joy… for no reason other than the sheer joy of being alive.

Last Thursday I went to the hospital for a test. I’ve been there several times over the years. For various tests, or visiting others. 

This time, I NOTICED that in the middle of the parking lot, was a beautiful little park!! Fir trees, Pines, Blue Spruce; tall blooming pink flowers, deep red large blossoms, lowly green ground cover, a large green lawn with wrought iron benches circling the lawn to sit under the tall shade tree, and shrubbery leaves turning into vivid fall colors. 

And right there, amidst all the manicured loveliness: a small herd of Dandelion puffballs, defiantly waving in the breeze! I LOVED IT!

No matter what, they won’t be denied. They will bloom and not just survive, but THRIVE. I was cheering on those little plants that most folks call weeds. They chose to bloom where they were planted, in spite of what anyone else wanted. Yay for the Dandelions of the world. :-D

In the support group A Better Weigh that I joined a few months ago, often people share how awareness and feelings are different now that they aren’t numbed up with food. It took me awhile, but I think I get it now.

Before Recovery, food was the great “mood shifter”:

Bored? Eat

Mad? Eat

Lonely? Eat

Tired? Eat

Disappointed? Eat

Scared? Eat

Just… uneasy? Eat

The more intense the feelings, the more I ate. Until I was numb.

Food would dampen those feelings, allowing escape from uncomfortable sensations.

Now I am learning not to focus on weight loss. On another diet. I am learning to focus on Recovery. Recovery from that whole mis-use and abuse of food.

After starting Recovery, I am learning to really believe (not just head knowledge) that feelings won’t kill me. I must feel and deal. It’s a part of life, the ups and downs. And to not fear feelings and bury them under a mountain of food. 

It’s scary sometimes. For me, at times the feelings seem stronger now. Like… my anger can feel like RAGE. Or, my sadness like horrible grief and regret. But the joys are also more clear and pure, and feel precious, and seem to touch me more deeply.

I’m wondering if this “food sobriety” is allowing me to notice those things now I have been missing. Methinks… yes.

Still on the Journey,

Retta
=^..^=