JUNE 19th Day of Rest & Favorite Photos... New Life!

Hello Journal & Friends,

Jim works at a small community hospital in Ashland, Oregon. All along one of the buildings, outside the patient windows, is a low block wall to provide a sound barrier from the parking lot, and some privacy. And inside that wall are little trees, lush greenery, flowers... a nice oasis for the patients to see.

Well, much to everyone's delight, there is now something else to see. Just a few days ago a doe came down from the nearby hills, and decided that the long secluded nook would make a safe haven in which to have her babies!! And she has stayed, and her little fawns are local celebrities! You see, she HAD TRIPLETS!! 

Here are the photos Jim took just a couple of days ago. He couldn't get a photo with all 3 babies together at once... Mama had them hidden among the foliage in different spots (all together now... Awwwww). So the pics you see below will not be of the same baby.

Everyone is protective of her and her babies, and no one gets close. There is plenty for her to eat in this little haven, and they are all safe in there.

I don't know why this touches me so much... maybe it's because inside those hospital windows, there might be such sorrow and pain going on. Yet right outside, the joy and hope of new life is gently going along, just doing it's best. The innocence of the fawns... the Mama deer trusting they will be safe there...

I hope you enjoy them as much as I have (can click any to enlarge).

At peace... under the protection of angels.

Enjoying the journey of these little creatures,

Loretta

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JUNE 14th Strawberries, Sharks & Tears of Joy

Hello Journal & Friends,

For some of you, being told you needed a Size 3X dress would bring on tears of horror!! 

But for me... I had tears of joy. Yesterday was Jim's day off, and we went shopping and goofing off together. I got all dressed up and tried on a new lavendar dress, to see if it fit yet. YES!! It was a 3X. 

I've been buying clothing occasionally on clearance, but always in sizes too small for me yet. And I got this one a couple of months ago. It's been 26 YEARS since I've been able to wear a 3X!! When I was 460 pounds, I could barely squeeze into the largest 6X's that the Lane Bryant catalog sold. So... this is extremely encouraging to me.

While we were at WalMart, I spurged on some silly party plates to eat my lunches on.

For lunch today Tinkerbell and I had a small piece of the sugar free pie we also bought there.

And we couldn't forget Joey! Here is her new squeaky toy, which she loves:

We also picked strawberries yesterday...our barrel planter is overflowing with ripe strawberries, finally. Yay!

You know how you work hard, and wait, and expect results from your efforts...yet sometimes those results are not always exactly what you expected?? Hmmmm...

It's been a whole month since I started my Secret September Challenge. Wow... and we have both benefited so much! We've hit and overcome that "wall", where the honeymoon phase is over and the routine sets in. 

We've discovered some weaknesses we each need to work on, and I've had some new realizations that I think are going to help me go forward and make progress.

One of them is that my perceptions are skewed. REALLY SKEWED. Remember, I started up there pretty high, at 460 pounds. And when you are that overweight so long, I think it messes with your head... at least it did for me. 

What *I* think is normal, is not. 

What *I* perceive as bigger or smaller, is not.

What *I* feel is more or is less, is not the same as other people.

A perfect example: my new lavendar dress. I am sooo excited to be "down" to a 3X. Yet most of you would be aghast if you found yourself in a 3X. It's all in the perceptions. 

And... I think that's been working against me. 

Both my Secret Challenge partner and I have been having trouble ratcheting down the calories. And I finally realized just recently it's because, TO ME, the 1600 I was aiming for SEEMED VERY SMALL. But that was because I was--without realizing it--comparing it to what I USED to eat.

What I USED to eat was abnormal, not normal. Okay... intellectually, that's obvious. But I'm talking here about feelings... senses... perceptions... emotional reactions, whatever you call it.

I was using an ABNORMAL YARDSTICK as my comparison. I need to change my perceptions. To compare to a healthy, normal, moderate amount. 

I have the same trouble with portion sizes. A "normal" portion seems mighty tiny when I am hungry!! Yet invariably afterwards I am satisfied. But beforehand, it didn't "look" like very much. Again, I was comparing to the amounts I USED to eat. Skewed perceptions.

I know this will take time... to get so used to a new thing that it becomes my New Normal. But that's what I'm working on. Visualizing, accepting, enjoying, embracing and celebrating a Healthy New Normal. 

From Dr Phil's book: "Having specific, carefully mapped out, vividly envisioned goals is an absolute requirement for success."

My verse for today: "...put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love."

My quote for today: "If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell." --Lance Armstrong

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 669

JUNE 6th Memories & Determination

Hidy Ho Journal & Friends,

I've been thinking about my June 1st weigh in number... 333.

That number, 333, brings back painful memories. About 25 years ago I was horrified to hit 333. It was a wake up call, and I went and joined an expensive hospital-based program, where we had to weigh in weekly and get our photo taken at the beginning. I still have that photo somewhere. I remember feeling so humilitated when it was taken.

I couldn't find the original photo, but this one was at about that same time. I remember tucking my t-shirt in, thinking I wanted it to be accurate, and be a reeaallly bad before pic. If you would have told me I would have GAINED 127 MORE pounds, no way would I have believed you. Why, I would NEVER let that happen... not to me. My point is, don't think it could never happen to YOU. I didn't plan it... I didn't want it. But I didn't CHANGE on the INside, so kept making the same mistakes over and over.

Anyway... the program turned out to be a bad experience... won't go into all of that. I bombed out and eventually re-gained what I had lost, adding more to it, getting up to my all time highest of 460 lbs. 

But I remember the feelings of when I had started that program... the shame, the fear, the desperation. At that time, I was looking outside myself for help. I believed I "needed" something else to help me... a program, someone to pump me up, someone to tell me I could do it, that there was hope, that it was possible. I had failed so. many. times. I didn't know I could do it myself. 

I'm not talking about doing it without God... He is my Rock and source of strength. I am just saying I was dependent upon OUTside motivation.... OUTside inspiration. 

Is it easier when others support and encourage you? Oh, you bet your sweet bippy it is! But it's not necessary. 

It's more fun with companions, but it's not necessary. 

It's easier when my husband isn't fighting me every step of the way, but it's not necessary.

But for too long, I didn't know all that. Now I know different. Now I know God has given me everything I need to make it. It's up  to ME to motivate myself, to believe in myself, to accept that He has equipped me with enough know how now that I can do this. 

It's all in my choices. And I have the freedom to choose long-term health over immediate escape from whatever perceived stresses would push me to soothe it with food. I am determined to get this. I am determined to never, ever quit. I am determined that this WILL be my time, my turn.

Are "programs" good? Some are, absolutely... they are tools for when we need them. But I was DEPENDENT upon some outside program or force to carry me. It took time, but I finally figured out what would work for ME, and cobbled together my OWN plan. I had to find the motivation from WITHIN to do this, regardless of what was or wasn't going on around me.

Do I do it right all time?? Ha ha ha ha... nope. But in the long run, I'm doing it right more often than not, and if I never ever ever give up, I will get there. 

How fast is up to me...the less I putz around, the faster I will get there.

Okay, pep talk to myself over for today, LOL!

From Dr Phil's book: Don't just wake up every morning and react to what happens... Be proactive by setting goals and making plans for their attainment."

My verse for today: "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge."

My quote for today: "People change for two reasons: They either learn so much they want to, or they hurt so bad they have to." --author unknown

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 661

JUNE 3rd Just Being Me

Hi Journal & Friends,

"That's me! That's exactly me!"

That is what I said the second I opened the package with my new tea mug in it. Last Friday I posted about my new favorite pretties (HERE) and explained that I was starting a tea cup collection, just for me. I was spending the money on something for myself, and not feeling guilty about it! Sure, I had planned to get most of them at used places, for little one of a kind tea cups.

But occasionally I "window shop" on Etsy.com, and last week I spotted a hand-built one-of-a-kind expresso mug. I was in love! It was soooo "me"! It was created by Alesa at Star Light Clay. 

If you think this post is all about a "thing", about materialism and buying stuff... then you will miss my point. I wanted... needed... to do something just for me. Something that was symbolic and special. This little mug set has meaning to me.

I've always loved cobalt blue, and this celadon blue is mighty close to that, and beautiful. 

And I love quirky "not made in a factory by a machine" stuff. You know... hand crafted by an artist stuff! And Alesa makes the most unusual and quirky pieces! Did you notice those little feet??

The stamped design was significant to me, too. I've always thought of the people in my life as having left their "mark" on me, their stamp upon my heart. I thought of Momma when I saw this, and my Dad, and other people I love, both living and gone. I love texture, and the stamp embellishments on this set are just up my alley... I adore them!

It is not perfect... neither am I. 

It has character... so do I.

It is unique... so am I.

It is quirky and whimsical... and I enjoy that, too!

I've been using this little mug all week, and it makes me think of the New Me that I am becoming. It makes me smile, and anticipate MORE changes, more new stuff... more adventures to come. Did I mention I really really like it??!! Thank you, Alesa, it's just perfect.

(Hey Mama, I needz a haircut!)

From Dr Phil's book: "What I want you to focus on is requiring more of yourself, starting right now."

My verse for today: "You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees."

My quote for today: "I didn't say it would be easy. I just said it would be the truth." Morpheus, from The Matrix

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 658

JUNE 1st Feelin' Spunky!

Hello Journal & Friends,

Time for Updates!  First... dun da dun dun... the Monthly Weigh in results: down 3 pounds.  Hmmm.... time to require more from myself, yes?!

And that brings me to the next update... on how my Secret September Challenge is going: GREAT! 

For the challenge, I've been focusing on 4 areas that needed addressing, and have been feeling encouraged over the results. I know without a doubt, that if I hadn't committed to checking in EACH day with my Secret Partner, I would have made excuses. 

I only had 4 things on my goals list:

-Go to bed at midnight

-Track calories, stay on plan

-Exercise daily

-Attitude input (Bible and one other)

The results? 

Well, with much reluctance and grumbling, I dragged myself to bed on time almost every night for the past 19 days, since this started. And the "late" nights were like 12:24am, or 12:05am, etc. I would grumble that I'm not sleepy yet... or I have to finish this or that... but I did it anyway. I'm hoping that someday it might even feel "normal", LOL! 

And I finally had something happen that I hadn't had in a couple of years: one day this week I was hit with a BURST OF ENERGY  for a few hours!! When it's been so long, you forget what it feels like. And now I want more! So... this going to bed at a consistent time will be a permanent thing. 

I had let calorie tracking get sloppy... but thanks to this challenge, I'm getting back into the swing of it, and didn't miss a day. The next thing in that department is to rachet them DOWN lower. :-O

The exercise... need to try harder here. I did do something almost every day... just not vigorously enough. Yesterday I dusted off my rebounder and used it, gently, for the first time in months. Feeling encouraged and motivated here.

Attitude? Finally got consistent with my "mental input". And it DID help. I think it's one of those things I tend to think I can skip if I am busy, and think I'll just catch it the next day. Funny... we don't think that with physical food! Oh, too busy to eat, I'll just eat some tomorrow instead. Uh huh... yet for some reason I think that way about spiritual and mental food! So, I'm glad I included this in my challenge.

Overall... I'm feeling encouraged, and challenged to up my efforts. I recently visited Princess Dieters blog, Two Years To Happy Weight After. She's lost 103 lbs so far, and her progress photos inspired me to require more from myself. 

My Secret Partner is doing well and still making progress, in spite of some set-backs due to illness. You know... we all have a story. We all have "life" happen to us, and we can use it as an excuse to give up, or we can just get back up and keep going... and never quit. 

I will never quit. This next leg of my Secret September Challenge, I am determined to increase my efforts... to see better results due to better choices. 

Next month I want to be so excited I can hardly stand it, as I report the results from my efforts. It's on!

From Dr Phil's book: "There is strength and power in support."

My verse for today: "You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in your word."

My quote for today: "People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success."  --Norman Vincent Peale

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 656