Having seriously contemplated my own mortality lately I have noticed some things.
Now, when I think a nice thing about someone I am with, I want to I tell them.
Now, when I think of someone, I try to call them.
Now, I try to bite my tongue when tempted to be snippy, and instead appreciate and love my Sweetie. Let go of the unimportant, and cherish the important.
Now, I notice little joys around me. Like colors, flowers, cerulean blue skies, white puffy clouds, the way my Pup plays and laughs and barks with joy… for no reason other than the sheer joy of being alive.
Last Thursday I went to the hospital for a test. I’ve been there several times over the years. For various tests, or visiting others.
This time, I NOTICED that in the middle of the parking lot, was a beautiful little park!! Fir trees, Pines, Blue Spruce; tall blooming pink flowers, deep red large blossoms, lowly green ground cover, a large green lawn with wrought iron benches circling the lawn to sit under the tall shade tree, and shrubbery leaves turning into vivid fall colors.
And right there, amidst all the manicured loveliness: a small herd of Dandelion puffballs, defiantly waving in the breeze! I LOVED IT!
No matter what, they won’t be denied. They will bloom and not just survive, but THRIVE. I was cheering on those little plants that most folks call weeds. They chose to bloom where they were planted, in spite of what anyone else wanted. Yay for the Dandelions of the world. :-D
In the support group A Better Weigh that I joined a few months ago, often people share how awareness and feelings are different now that they aren’t numbed up with food. It took me awhile, but I think I get it now.
Before Recovery, food was the great “mood shifter”:
Bored? Eat
Mad? Eat
Lonely? Eat
Tired? Eat
Disappointed? Eat
Scared? Eat
Just… uneasy? Eat
The more intense the feelings, the more I ate. Until I was numb.
Food would dampen those feelings, allowing escape from uncomfortable sensations.
Now I am learning not to focus on weight loss. On another diet. I am learning to focus on Recovery. Recovery from that whole mis-use and abuse of food.
After starting Recovery, I am learning to really believe (not just head knowledge) that feelings won’t kill me. I must feel and deal. It’s a part of life, the ups and downs. And to not fear feelings and bury them under a mountain of food.
It’s scary sometimes. For me, at times the feelings seem stronger now. Like… my anger can feel like RAGE. Or, my sadness like horrible grief and regret. But the joys are also more clear and pure, and feel precious, and seem to touch me more deeply.
I’m wondering if this “food sobriety” is allowing me to notice those things now I have been missing. Methinks… yes.
Still on the Journey,
Retta
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