NOV 30th Finding The Courage To Face My Stuff

Good afternoon, Journal & Friends,

Jim is out the door to work, Joey is napping in her doggie bed, the Kitties are sleeping on my bed, and even though I have a mountain of chores to get caught up on (Jim was off work for 5 days) I just want to slow down and say "hello" to myself! To make myself check in and get real.

On Nov 17th I started a 1600 calorie per day experiment, along with my usual low carb plus gluten free. Last time I did this, I GAINED weight, got skeered, and backed off. But I didn't give it much of a try... only a week. This time, I decided to do it for a month no matter what, just to see. I planned not to count calories for Thanksgiving, just have a maintence day. But other than that each day was capped at 1600. Well, that was the plan.

Last night I was tired and hungry, and used that as my "justification" to eat an extra meal. Sigh... At first I was so disappointed and feeling defeated. Then I remembered... Out of the last 14 days, 13 of them have been on plan! Um... why not feel good about that?! Okay, so I accepted that I did NOT face my stuff last night, instead choosing to stuff my face. I'm moving on.

Last night I read the latest post by Chris...  AFTER I had overeaten for the night. Ugh... what timing. :-} It was right on the button. I "use" food as a drug, as an escape, and I sort of filed that under her "filling the void" category. And her post reminded me of something I'd been thinking about... that I am good at maintaining a weight along the way. 

I reach a range, and stay there a loooonnnnggg time. It's happened to me repeatedly along this journey, and as a result I've been at this for YEARS. I started at 460 and got stuck around 400. Then I got stuck around 375, then around 350. My lastest sticking range has been in the 330's.  I had hit around 325, lost it and bounced back into the 330's, where I've been fumbling around for a YEAR. Duh... I finally see the pattern! 

And I think I know why, too. It has to do with peeling away the layers of "stuff", as Chris alluded to in her post. And in order to let go and lose more weight, I have to face more stuff and not medicate it with food instead. Each new lower weight range means I have to stop running from whatever it is that pressures me to want to eat instead of think about it, and put it to rest. So... I resist. I cling to my drug and resist the pain of facing my stuff. I wanna stay in my comfort zone, whatever range that happens to be.

Well, I want to finish this journey. To see MORE progress. To have the joy and peace that comes from an authentic life. Not a phony "la la la, everything is fine because I am numb to it due to drugging the feelings with food" kind of life. 

I want to remember that while the outcome is not always within my control, my EFFORT level IS within my control. I can choose not to run from facing uncomfortable stuff. I can choose to make the time to think and face my feelings. I find it strange yet obvious now... that I can even use "living my best life now" as a convenient way to stay too busy to face my feelings. Aarrgh... I've been getting busier with art projects and while that is good and what I feel I am meant to do, I found that I would tell myself I am too busy to do the mental work of this journey... too busy to sit and think, to feel, to process WHY I want to eat. Yikes... I was using a good thing--my art projects--as an excuse to avoid looking in my mental mirror. :-}

Be sure to read the comments under Chris's post. There are some rich insights there to be gleaned. Deb described exactly how I use food, too. Helen talked about facing down our fears. Crumpled Moments wrote about how she was kept busy, without time to think, so when her kids got older and the house got quiet, that caught up with her. And there's more. Good stuff. I appreciate that we can learn from each other. I appreciate these people that are willing to honestly share their hearts with others. That takes guts.

From Dr Phil's book: "Be a part of the group who have the courage and determination to stay in the light."

My verse for today: "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths..."

My quote for today: "Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." --Andre Gide

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 835

NOV 25th Pink Friday

Good Afternoon Journal & Friends,

Yesterday was wonderful and peaceful, and today is not Black Friday for me... I'm in the Pink today! :-) 

It was a quiet day for MyGuy and me. We had the usual turkey meal, only with all on plan food, including a pumpkin-based dessert. I stayed low carb, sugar/gluten/grain-free, but didn't bother to count calories. I know I ate over my 1600, but didn't stress it. Today... back to business as usual. I like that... makes me feel almost "normal"... whatever that is!

For Friday Favorites I wanted to share a fun thing. Recently I had been jonesing for a hot dog, with a bun and all! Actually, a chili cheese dog, to be exact. So... I sent for this fun hot dog bun maker (I know, I know, it's a twinkie maker... but it makes great hot dog buns!!) :-D

And guess what?? It worked like a charm! Here they are:

I used a recipe for hamburger buns made with flaxseed meal which was sugar/gluten/grain-free, and it tasted very nice and the extras freeze well. 

And here are our chili dogs... we used nitrate free natural dogs and bean-free chili, and they were scrumptious:

I'll be honest... it does take a little more work to go sugar/gluten/grain-free, plus low carb. You can't just run right out and buy baked stuff. If I really want it, I have to find a recipe, make sure I have all the ingredients, and then bake it myself. But the book Wheat Belly by Dr William Davis gave me some renewed oomph to stay on track and not talk myself out of it.  

Besides... think about it. Having to bake stuff myself is sort of an automatic way of reducing the amounts of it I eat! Too much work to eat it all the time, LOL! So when I DO have it, it's a nice change, and we really enjoy it.

From Dr Phil's book: "Weight is managed, not cured."

My verse for today: "May your unfailing love be my comfort..."

My quote for today: "First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." --Epictetus

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 830 

NOV 23rd Puppies, Leaves & Gratitude

Hello Journal & Friends,

Sending out a Happy Thanksgiving to all who are celebrating tomorrow! 

I'm feeling thankful for my husband and Sweetheart, Jim. 

For my sister, Karen, I can count as my dear Friend. 

For family and friends, both near and far.

For memories of Thanksgivings past when Momma was queen of the day, and the family gathered.

And a special thanks to all my interweb friends. You are special to me... I know I don't say it often enough, but I do thank the Lord for you!!

Here is Joey... she is thankful for a ginormous pile of fall leaves, LOL!! (can click to enlarge)

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 829

NOV 19th My Choice Today is LIFE

Howdy Journal & Friends,

The fire is back, baby!!

I just spent close to an hour hunting high and low for an article I had kept to back up the opinion I'm about to spout off... no such luck... couldn't find it... zippo.

So... take it or leave it. :-D This will be just one person's opinion (and you know what they say about opinions, right?) Here goes, a message going out into the ether, no one person in mind:

Stop it. 

Just. STOP. IT. 

Stop repeating, ad nauseam, those mythological "statistics" that tell how HAAARRRDDD it is to lose weight and KEEP it off. I am totally over it! I am exasperated. Irritated. TIRED OF READING ABOUT IT. 

CUZ IT AIN'T TRUE!!

Who was it that said if you tell a lie enough times, it will eventually be taken for truth? Hitler??

Anyway, for years and years people have quoted and requoted those old stats about how only 5% can lose weight and keep it off. Blah blah blah. And since all the Quoters are only quoting other quoters, no one bothers to go back to The Source of these damaging statistics that have influenced an entire generation of dieters into accepting the inevitability of regaining weight.

Enough already!!!

The study I read (yes, the one I can't seem to find right now) exposed those tired old statistics.

 They were base upon numbers reported from a weight loss clinic full of people who had chronic problems losing weight and keeping it off, who had already failed over and over... that's why they were there in the first place. 

Their statistics were not from a cross section of the general "weight loss dieters" population. That is why their study outcome was SKEWED, and not applicable to the general "average" population. 

Dang, I wish I could find that study! I KNOW most people need authorities with credentials after their name in order to accept it as the "gospel".

Anyway, with the usual headline and soundbite reporting, the original study was taken out of context over and over and over, until now all we hear are things like: most people fail at their weight loss attempts, and of those that do lose weight only 3 to 5% of them keep it off... etc etc etc.

STUFF A SOCK IN IT!!

I realize we all do this, me included. We repeat stuff we've "heard", trusting that it's true. Well, newsflash: this one is NOT true.

And I am tired of our whole weight loss community being continually bashed over the head with misinformation and LIES. 

Yes, LIES.

Lies that we accept and internalize.

Lies that influence our subconscious.

Lies that cause us to impose limits on ourselves.

Lies that make us cower in the face of what the "authorities" tell us is supposed to be true.

Lie that set us up to fail before we even get started.

Lies that become self-fulling prophecies.

Please note: I am not stooopid. I get it that we are individuals, and we each must work with the hand we've been dealt. Example: I am now 60. I am in a wheelchair. I live with a few medical conditions. So... I'm not gonna stupidly set a goal to run a half marathon. I need to find the best plan for ME as an individual, and give it my best and honest effort.

So while running a marathon will, for ME, be unrealistic, I CAN set as my goal to live a powerful, joyful and triumphant life.. the best one FOR ME that I possibly can achieve. And I believe God has a plan for me, if I'll just get with the program!

I may not control the outcome, but I certainly control my EFFORTS (thank you, Coach Dayne  for that). 

I'm not talking about pie in the sky, unrealistic expectations. I AM talking about refusing to let others steal our dreams. About not laying down and allowing statistics to walk all over us, as if we were victims with no choice.

Have you ever played around with archery?? We did when I was growing up. Compound bows, wrist guards, arrows, targets, the whole nine yards. And the one thing you learned right away was this:

 In order to hit the bullseye, 

you had to slightly AIM HIGHER than the bullseye.

 And the farther away your target, 

the higher you had to aim in order to hit the bullseye. 

So if we start out this weight loss trip with LOWERED expectations, we are totally setting ourselves up to NOT hit our goal. This is hard enough without sabotaging ourselves from the get go!!

Aim high. 

Kick fear to the curb. 

If I goof up... so what??!! 

Get up, dust off, learn from it, and get my rear in gear again.

Am I feeling feisty? Uh... ya think?? ;-)

From Dr Phil's book: "Be kind when you can, but firm when you must. You alone are responsible for what you put in your mouth, and what you do to get in shape."

My verse for today: "O Lord, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."

My quote for today: "Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." --Les Brown

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 825

NOV 17th Today, Tomorrow & I am NOT a Victim

Hello Journal & Friends,

This morning as I unpacked a box some of the packing peanuts fell onto the floor... the kind that dissolve when exposed to moisture. Naturally, Joey was instantly on it like white on rice! She was just about to eat one, her mouth open and poised around it as I commanded firmly: LEAVE! 

She froze, then dropped it immediately and looked at me, confused. We were in the kitchen... isn't this where I get to eat the yummies you drop onto the floor?? But... she obeyed. I didn't know if eating them would choke her or not, but I wasn't taking any chances. 

See... this was a command we had taught her months ago, as a young puppy. And now, when danger was near, it saved her from potential harm.

Lessons from a Puppy # 10 

Have a safety plan in place 

BEFORE you need it 

Joey & Vevie
Nov 13th 2011

This is on my mind because a couple of days ago, I read something on a blog that was devastating to me. But thankfully, I already had a "safety plan" in place: When in extreme pain, don't make any big decisions! Wait.

Honestly, if I hadn't already made that decision, to WAIT when hit with an emotional tsunami, I am 100% certain I would've said SCREW IT! to this whole weight loss deal. Just being honest. It was that deeply upsetting. I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. What the blog said is a topic for another post. My post today is about my reaction. Which is my choice. And right now I'm feeling kind of protective and defiant about my right to CHOOSE. 

I will never sit back on my butt and say "oh well, it is what it is, there is nothing I can do about it."  I am NOT a victim. I may not have control over the OUTCOME, but I can darn well control my EFFORT. And that will surely help give me at least a better outcome than if I just passively give in to "logic and statistics". Did it ever occur to people that believing those weight loss "statistics" can become self-fulfilling prophecies??!!

For a lot of us who have been on this journey for what feels like forEVER, the feelings run deep. There is a lot of pain, even after years of working through stuff. There is a fragility we don't like to admit or face. There is a vulnerability that makes us leery about "helpful" tough love comments. There is a wall we put up to protect ourselves from even more hurt. We haven't got it all figured out, but we are still willing to take the risk and try.

Those of you with a blog know how hard it is at times to hang it all out there, like a target for the analysis and judgements of others. Yes, there are benefits or we wouldn't do it. But that doesn't make it easy.

Sometimes we have too much to say and the feelings are so raw and powerful... it just seems to trivialize and dishonor them to blog about them. I don't even know if that makes sense... it's just what I am feeling right now. 

Yesterday I caught the end of the movie Annie, and heard her sing "Tomorrow". And I got it. Today hurts too much. But I will make no big decisions. I'm not quitting. I'm just waiting for tomorrow. God's mercies are new every morning, and tomorrow promises to be better. 

From Dr Phil's book: "To be alive means to experience emotions, painful or otherwise."

My verse for today: "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge."

My quote for today: "If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell." --Lance Armstrong

Enjoy the Journey,

Loretta

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DAY 823

NOV 10th Yawn yawn, Grump grump, Choose choose...

Hi Journal & Friends,

It's about 2:00 pm here in Oregon, and I sit here still in my jammies. I'm on my second cup o' joe (unusual for me), and I still feel like this:

Well, quit yer b*tchin, and just go back to bed, you say. 

Good idea, I say. 

But... here is why I can't:

Joey and my noisy hubby are also the reasons I didn't get enough sleep... grump grump. ;-)

For the last week or so, it's been hard to put a post together. I have one I started... even took photos for it. But I ran out of steam. It just doesn't seem very important. Maybe tomorrow.

I suppose I'm still thinking about my friends death, and time and priorities. And I have to face the truth that I waste so much of this precious thing we have been given called Time.

I learned from Jack Sh*t that we don't always have to go around moaning and groaning and being so super serious. We can enjoy this journey, even as we learn. But... right now that seems hard to do. Maybe I just need a good nights sleep??  :-}

Tomorrow will be better, I'm sure. Come to think of it... today can better, too. I just remembered... Life is Now. 

Yesterday I was reading a library book called The Alchemist, and liked this sentence:  

"Life is the moment we are living right now." 

Funny how I seem to forget that I have a choice. :-}

From Dr Phil's book: "There is rarely a time in your life when all is at peace and balance. That's neither good nor bad; it is simply the ebb and flow of how life works."

My verse for today: "But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." 

My quote for today: "Happiness isn't something that depends on our surroundings. It's something we make inside ourselves."  --Corrie Ten Boom, survivor of Ravensbrook Concentration Camp during WWII, author of The Hiding Place

Enjoy the Journey (trying),

Loretta

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DAY 816