Good afternoon, Journal & Friends,
Jim is out the door to work, Joey is napping in her doggie bed, the Kitties are sleeping on my bed, and even though I have a mountain of chores to get caught up on (Jim was off work for 5 days) I just want to slow down and say "hello" to myself! To make myself check in and get real.
On Nov 17th I started a 1600 calorie per day experiment, along with my usual low carb plus gluten free. Last time I did this, I GAINED weight, got skeered, and backed off. But I didn't give it much of a try... only a week. This time, I decided to do it for a month no matter what, just to see. I planned not to count calories for Thanksgiving, just have a maintence day. But other than that each day was capped at 1600. Well, that was the plan.
Last night I was tired and hungry, and used that as my "justification" to eat an extra meal. Sigh... At first I was so disappointed and feeling defeated. Then I remembered... Out of the last 14 days, 13 of them have been on plan! Um... why not feel good about that?! Okay, so I accepted that I did NOT face my stuff last night, instead choosing to stuff my face. I'm moving on.
Last night I read the latest post by Chris... AFTER I had overeaten for the night. Ugh... what timing. :-} It was right on the button. I "use" food as a drug, as an escape, and I sort of filed that under her "filling the void" category. And her post reminded me of something I'd been thinking about... that I am good at maintaining a weight along the way.
I reach a range, and stay there a loooonnnnggg time. It's happened to me repeatedly along this journey, and as a result I've been at this for YEARS. I started at 460 and got stuck around 400. Then I got stuck around 375, then around 350. My lastest sticking range has been in the 330's. I had hit around 325, lost it and bounced back into the 330's, where I've been fumbling around for a YEAR. Duh... I finally see the pattern!
And I think I know why, too. It has to do with peeling away the layers of "stuff", as Chris alluded to in her post. And in order to let go and lose more weight, I have to face more stuff and not medicate it with food instead. Each new lower weight range means I have to stop running from whatever it is that pressures me to want to eat instead of think about it, and put it to rest. So... I resist. I cling to my drug and resist the pain of facing my stuff. I wanna stay in my comfort zone, whatever range that happens to be.
Well, I want to finish this journey. To see MORE progress. To have the joy and peace that comes from an authentic life. Not a phony "la la la, everything is fine because I am numb to it due to drugging the feelings with food" kind of life.
I want to remember that while the outcome is not always within my control, my EFFORT level IS within my control. I can choose not to run from facing uncomfortable stuff. I can choose to make the time to think and face my feelings. I find it strange yet obvious now... that I can even use "living my best life now" as a convenient way to stay too busy to face my feelings. Aarrgh... I've been getting busier with art projects and while that is good and what I feel I am meant to do, I found that I would tell myself I am too busy to do the mental work of this journey... too busy to sit and think, to feel, to process WHY I want to eat. Yikes... I was using a good thing--my art projects--as an excuse to avoid looking in my mental mirror. :-}
Be sure to read the comments under Chris's post. There are some rich insights there to be gleaned. Deb described exactly how I use food, too. Helen talked about facing down our fears. Crumpled Moments wrote about how she was kept busy, without time to think, so when her kids got older and the house got quiet, that caught up with her. And there's more. Good stuff. I appreciate that we can learn from each other. I appreciate these people that are willing to honestly share their hearts with others. That takes guts.
From Dr Phil's book: "Be a part of the group who have the courage and determination to stay in the light."
My verse for today: "Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths..."
My quote for today: "Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." --Andre Gide
Enjoy the Journey,